Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

I'm afraid you might only be deepening the separation anxiety by continuing to go collect her. I know this sounds backwards but you are positively reinforcing the anxiety so she's being somethings wrong I need to go home and your arrival is agreeing with this.

I'd be doing a few things - I'd be doing what I can at home to help with the work in small snippets each day. I'd also lessen the time in school for now and build it up again over time and I would aim not to collect early.

Importantly, I'd also work on the attachment piece at home. Is theraplay an option for you? This can be helpful with separation anxiety. Wishing you the very best.
(Primary teacher and play therapist)

We have all the books, she has missed a lot out. The issue is it being in another language. She can already read and write in English as we’ve done it at home over the years

You’ve answered your own question. She’s the second youngest. Pull her out and repeat the year. Give her another year of getting the language to 100%. You’ve given her an impossible task: loads of missed class and a language and social barrier. You are reinforcing the anxiety by picking her up. She has the worst of both worlds. If you keep going, you will have a child with zero confide dd and resilience.

You really need a robust plan with the school. Crying is not an excuse for mummy to come and pick you u - this needs agreement from both sides.
She needs school support to help her feel safe and welcome at school and they need to develop a plan to help her catch up with the work she's missed, otherwise it's a vicious circle and she'll keep finding it all too hard. I'd suggest she has a period of maybe a couple of hours in a morning, then until lunchtime, then stay for lunch but come home afterwards (similar to the way many schools do when kids first start), but the days she finishes early the school helps you with activities to do to help her catch up.

Then I’d focus on working with a therapist who works with trauma.

Ignore the posters on here saying she’s manipulating you. She’s clearly needs some extra support at the moment.

Can you stay with her for short periods at school to build her confidence as other PP’s have suggested? Then slowly withdraw over time as her confidence returns?

Are her friends in school? Would you be able to ask one of the parents to drop her off with their children and she gets to play with them to lower her anxiety and go into school with her friends instead of you dropping her off? Might take her mind off it

How is her numeracy? Do you speak the local language well?

It isn't her birth month that's the issue. Loads of summer babies don't have any issues academically or socially. Many are way ahead of autumn born children. Something is causing this little girl anxiety and it's nothing to do with her birthday.

If you are concerned this may be linked to trauma and anxiety, which is understandable, I’d try working with the school to develop a graded exposure/transition plan. I had to do this with one of mine when there was a lot of anxiety about moving to a new school, and he was refusing to stay there. He was a similar age to your daughter at the time. As part of the graded exposure/transition, I did spend time in the classroom/at the school, but the important thing was that my presence/support was gradually removed from the school environment. We worked toward achievable and clear goals each day. By the end of week 4 of the plan, we were dropping him at the gate and picking him up from the turning circle. We didn’t even need to step foot in the school anymore. The plan gave everyone structure and guidance, and felt trauma informed and safe enough for DS. And to give a sense of how far he came, Day 1 he spent 90 minutes at school refusing to even enter the classroom. It wasn’t until later in week 1 where he would even go into the classroom with me. Some of the daily steps were focused on transitioning from him sitting on my lap in the classroom, to sitting next to me, to then sitting at his desk with me near him, and then with me being allowed to sit in the corner and do my own work. I just give those examples to show it was actually a real slog in that 4 weeks, and it wasn’t like he was a child who found it easy. The key thing was that he actually made progress everyday. At some points it felt like we would never get there and I’d still be sitting next to him when he started high school, but really, 4 weeks was nothing in the scheme of things for the result we got… and yes, there were some rewards involved for him when he completed more challenging steps!

This is so tough for her and she's so little still. What's your feeling on the teacher and the school's handling of it? What do you do yourself when she speaks to you about it?

If there is the option of starting Year 1 again in Sept 25, I would do that. And spend the next 8 months gradually going back to pre-school/some kind of kindergarten environment if available.

Unless you have had a child with EBSA, it’s really hard to put yourself in the position of that parent.

I’m glad someone posted the link to “not fine in school”, we found them really helpful.

Having come out the other side I would advise: don’t make it a battle, don’t trick them into going, have a process where they can leave if they need to (and pick them up every time), make sure they don’t feel “wrong” or “in trouble” for wanting to leave.

The anxiety can come from feeling “stuck” in a situation that makes them anxious - having the ability to leave, with very little fuss, can be enough.

I got it terribly wrong, and we had years of problems.

Deferring sounds like a good idea if she is unwell and very young for her year. If you are a teacher, you will know that being one of the eldest in a year is advantageous.If you can’t, perhaps you could build up school attendance with a reduced timetable to start.

It seems like you have 3?separate issues - separation anxiety, learning in her second language and she is behind academically. Struggling to keep up with her peers is going to destroy her self esteem and exacerbate the separation anxiety. If the schoolwork is stressing her and she isn’t fluent in the language, she’s going to find the need for her mum even stronger. It’s not just anxiety about being away from mum, she has strong reasons to feel anxious and isolated in the classroom if she can’t cope with the lessons or understand the language as well as the other DC.

I would get professional help with her separation anxiety. There are lots of online resources too.

If you defer and are concerned about socialisation, can she go back to pre school? Can you sign her up for some fun activities and classes and homeschool until next year? Being away from you for a shorter time doing something fun that she enjoys will build up her confidence when it comes to tackling the separation anxiety.

Whatever you decide to do, I would be working on getting her up to speed with her schoolwork at home before she goes back to school and getting her some language support.

(Don't pick her up. Ask school not to phone fo you.)
This suggestion is a good one, I agree....

And you go to school for a good hour of every morning.
You can then discuss in detail about her class and work and really act like you are having fun there too.

Allow about amonth of enjoying the experience with her.
Do some related home work every night to help her catch up on work she feels behind in. Boost her self esteem.
Don't accept the option of staying home. You ARE a school girl now.

I work in a primary school and have had persistently absent children struggling with anxiety return to school successfully. It required a lot of daily discussion with pupil, parents, teacher, SENDCo and Head. Most children came to school either earlier or later than the usual timetable, as the start of the school day can trigger a flight/fight/panic response. Once in school, some children had independent working areas/calm zones that were the only option when the classroom environment was still overwhelming. They were able to invite peers to play or work, which allowed them to develop social skills and increase security with other children. Sometimes they worked on a reduced timetable and any changes to the school day had to be considered because they could be incredibly traumatic. Rather than collection straight away, could the school suggest a fixed time period? That way there is an opportunity for de-escalation at school, but also you can demonstrate your committment to collection when she needs it?

It's such an emotionally devastating situation for everyone involved OP. I really hope you are able to resolve her anxiety over time.

What sort of work have you been doing with her at home? My instinct would be to negotiate with the school so that she does a reduced timetable, say mornings only, home for lunch, and that you also discuss with the school what work you can do with her at home to get her back on track academically. I would definitely want to see her in school every day, the sooner she gets into a consistent routine of school the more confident she will become that she can cope, both with leaving you and with the learning.

Is there a reason why you won't say what her illness was? Reading between the lines, it seems likely there was no physical illness, and she has been suffering from separation anxiety all along.
I agree with others that you're probably best holding her back a year (if that's allowed) and starting her again in September. But you'll have to stick with it rather than keeping her at home again, or you'll be back to Square 1 again.

the more she goes to school the better her language skills will be. So you need to concentrate on how to get her into school. We are also in a different country and speak ML@H so i know how difficult that can be. Trust me - as they get older it gets easier (to the point they don't want to speak English anymore, but that is for the future)

2nd youngest? make a formal request that she start again in September. And until then see if she can attend regularly.

But. What do the school say? have you or they spoken to educational psychologists? They may say that you have to take a firmer line - such as "i will come in 20 minutes" or that you don't go right away and give her and the school a chance to calm down and try again. You may want to work with professionals on building her resiliance. I know it is a big buzzword here - but we are seeing it now with Gen Alpha - so many of them cannot cope with the slightest setback or criticism. You can't let this go on for too long.

I can hugely sympathise with you. My daughter is much older than yours (15) but she's struggled with being in school since pre-Covid, getting progressively worse in the last 2/3 years. There are occasions on which she 'tries it on' and there are occasions when she genuinely can't cope. I've learned to tell the difference over the years. It's always heart wrenching when she's crying. Her pastoral support lead is incredible though and always makes time and space for her to feel her anxiety.

My advice would be to try and establish a good rapport with the school and if she is overwhelmed then allow her to be removed from lessons to a safe space where she feels happier. This does not mean she comes home, or they ask you to intervene, but that she can come out of the stressful environment of the classroom until she feels able to go back in. That way she knows she has to be in school between 9 and 3 (for example) but that there is no pressure to stay in the classroom if it isn't working for her right then.

What illness has she had?

Hi OP,

I’m not sure where you are based, but I am a psychologist and this is the sort of thing we might help with. I think it sounds as though you and the school need a bit of help to get her feeling ready to go back.

Be careful about who/where you are getting advice from. A lot of what I’ve read here is not what we would recommend for school refusal. Generally (especially with little ones who are terrified) we would aim for a nurturing approach with work from both you and the school. They need to make changes to support her whilst she is there and you need to work hard together using a very gradual/ phased approach. The anxiety also needs to be addressed, and she probably needs a bit of help to catch up with the work before she is re-integrated. I think you need someone working with you and the school to guide you through this. In terms of nurture and security though I would initially be thinking about what makes her feel safe and how that can be in school with her. Plus books like the invisible string, drawing hearts on you and her wrist as a ‘communication’ button. Not with the goal of getting her back in so much, but to help her feel secure for now.

It’s great that she is managing half days. You need to think with someone about which particular lessons/ times are better or worse. For instance, if she likes play time maybe she could start joining for the afternoon break (I know it’ll be very short, but like I said this is going to be hard work).

I would be considering home schooling as a very last resort at the point where it was decided that this was really in her best interests.

Have you asked about the aspects of school work with which she is struggling? Is she able to socialise with some of the children in her class to have a "best friend"?
Feelings of inadequacy compared to the other children must be adding to the problem.
It's heartbreaking to see your child upset, but she needs to be in school and she needs to settle there.
Is her teacher helping her with catching up? Is she vigilant that other children are including your daughter in activities?
You and the school need to work together in this otherwise you are both failing her in the long run

Would an international or British based school suit her more, as in her native language?

I don’t know what else you have on, but can you just be near the school all day for a few weeks? So if she’s upset you can be there in ten minutes to reassure you are accessible in case of emergency, but then leave again.

This is a bit pander-y, but if you think the solution to her anxiety is reassurance that you are there in case of a problem this should demonstrate to her that you are, but also reinforce that she has to be in school and is safe there and kicking off doesn’t get what she wants.

Also can you get her into counselling? My sister at that age was obsessed that my mum was going to die if she wasn’t with her, and no amount of reassuring was ever going to fix that.

Sorry, brain encephalitis/Pans