Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

Also how can they expect her to be in school when they keep making you pick her up?

Is it full time school, do all the children go home for lunch? What is it she is behind on? If you were working she could not be sent home so readily.

We’re not in the uk, there is the second language to consider also. She speaks the language, but not fluently. There is no carpet time in Year 1 where I am, they sit at desks doing writing

Or you explore the reasons behind such extreme anxiety which may nclude neurodevelopmetal developmental differences or trauma

Until you see the devastating results of the 'hard-line approach' on an undiagnosed
ND child, or child living with trauma (or both) you won't be aware of how damaging such an approach can be.

And even if there is no ND, a small step, flexible approach can still be the most effective way to tackle anxiety. The full on, rigid approach can create distrust and raise anxiety further, even for NT children. It may even add trauma to the mix!

Professionals dont treat an adult with an anxiety such as fear of spiders by shutting them in a room with spiders. They use a gradual process. Why would this little girl not be treated similarly?

None of us can know the underlying factors in this instance so no one can advise with categorical certainty.

Is there a good SEN system? Obviously with her missing the first term she is going to feel rather out of her depth ... which will likely likely trigger her anxiety - making it a viscous circle. Can she get SEN support to catch up?

Or is it better that she goes back to the 5 year old nursery class to get used to the separation and starts year 1 again in September?

I took from your original post that home education was illegal, just because of your "Legally I have to have her in school" comment but then you go on to say that there is a home schooling option but are worried about socialisation.

My advice, I'm a home educator, your daughter sounds like home education is EXACTLY what she needs. I wouldn't worry about the socialisation aspect right now, as your daughter needs time right now to deal with and get over her anxieties.

You said in your OP "was very anxious and wants to stay with me", then in another comment go on to say, "I worry it won’t be good for her just staying with me for another 6 months until the summer holidays (even though she says that’s what she wants)
Really don’t know what’s the best for her"

You need to stop. And LISTEN TO HER.

What is best for her is her staying with you. That's what she needs to get better. She's telling you that, and you're not listening to her.

I see this so many times, and when the parents finally pull their children out of school to home educate them, the positive difference in the children is amazing (obviously it takes some time first).

Please listen to your daughter, give her what she needs. Deregister her and keep her home with you to help her get better. Seeing her friends on weekends is plenty for now.

That and the fact that I assume you're not an actual teacher?

I think this would be the route I'd take. Especially as she's young for year. We deferred our dd who would have started at very nearly 6 and been literally the youngest in year as her birthday is on the cut-off date, and she didn't have the health situation to contend with. It's worked out fine - she's not even the oldest in her class, as others older than her were deferred too.

Start her again in September. A repeated year won’t hurt her long term.

I'm not aware of countries that require home educators to be qualified teachers.

Would love to know which ones do (genuinely)?

But at what point do you stop allowing her to manipulate you? At the moment she knows that she can get out of school by crying.

So go just for an hour or so, and then pick up at an agreed time. Then extend to Breaktime, then before lunch time, then at end of lunchtime, then end of school day? Over a couple of months or whatever it takes? Look at how their school day is structured as to the best times to come and go.

Having read other replies, maybe join her for the first week or so (if school agree) slowly withdrawing - "I just need a wee, wait here and I'll be back in a moment", or "I just need to get a drink, back in a moment" or "I need to speak to teacher, back in 5" etc. Maybe offer to listen to the other kids reading or something, so you are in the school / room but not focused on your daughter.

It will be hard for you as well as challenging for her - but you either do something or nothing. Nothing would be you and her at home together refusing to enter the world because it's too scary out there. Personally I don't think that is an option.

Oh, and read with your daughter every day at home. Reading is so so important, you cant do anything if you can't read the questions etc. Best way to start to help her catch up.

I would definitely have the conversation with the school about the possibility of her returning to the pre-school and repeating the current year starting in September/August as one of the older ones. This makes sense given that she has had time out for illness and is young for her group anyway, and many countries are a lot more flexible on this sort of repeating/deferring than lots of schools in the UK.

However, if that is refused then some tough love is needed here. She is calling ALL the shots - she knows that any slight issue in school she just needs to cry and mum comes running to take her home. She is far too little to understand what is best for her and you need to step up and break this pattern. Agree with others that running away from situations whic make you anxious is never the right approach. School needs to work with both of you on managing her feelings.

A successful solution to this will likely involve a phased (re-)introduction of DD to school. The difficulty is that not being there full time will mean DD may not be up to speed with everything and this feeds into her anxiety. Could you arrange specific sessions when she will attend and (without necessarily expecting the teacher to provide a full bespoke set of work for her to do at home) find out what the class will be doing during those sessions so that you can work with her to help her engage with the work?

Also, given that you're currently having to be available for full-time childcare anyway, could you discuss being more involved at school for a transitional period? I wonder if part of a possible solution could be, rather than going to the school when your daughter is distressed and removing her, you aim to be there to reassure her before she gets to that stage and - once she's calm - take her back to class.

Is there a volunteering role you could take on in and around the school like reading with children (whether in DD's class or in other classes) so that you could be closer at hand to nip issues in the bud?

You could discuss a graduated set of approaches some or all of which might be useful (and acceptable to the school and teacher), e.g., sitting with DD; sitting at the back of the room; assisting other pupils in the room but not focused on DD; being outside the classroom so she knows you're on hand; being somewhere around the school in case she gets upset and she can see you at break time for a catch-up.

Some of the replies here are very harsh....
Suprises me how as adults we expect our employees to understand if we need time off work due to mental health struggles or stress, and a phased return after etc, yet children are expected to just get on with it and attend school even if they are unable to emotionally cope with it.

What does you daughter say the reason for her being so upset there is OP? Would a change of school help or is it solely based around anxiety/trauma from the illness? If it is, it sounds like she needs to be taken out of school for awhile and have some therapy to help her move past those difficluties before returning.
If you don't get to the root cause and deal with that, and instead just clamp down and push her too hard with going to school (where she clearly isn't comfortable) she is likely to just continue feeling more pressure and like her feelings or emotional needs aren't being understood or heard.

Are you able to access an educational psychologist due to her illness?

They probably don't, but I wonder at the assumption anyone is capable of teaching.

It's worrying

If the root of this is a psychological/ mental health condition, then you really need to speak to a professional about how to address this, not mumsnet.

You will get generic advice on here and for most healthy/ neurotypical children, the advice would be to not pick them up.

If she is mentally unwell then you need to make a plan with a team of professionals on how to ease her into school life.

To be fair the poor girl genuinely sounds like she's really struggling. It doesn't sound like manipulation at all. Mental health is not a form of manipulation.

Distress isn't necessarily manipulation.

How is she allowed to show that she's not able to manage what it being asked of her?

Me too - I would definitley given her birthday try this approach and get her back into pre school

did she manage pre school before she was ill and is this more familiar to her

i have had a very school anxious child (for different reasons) and patience and time are key but also two way trust - he trusts me now that we go at a rate that suits him but he needs to build up and try. we did a very slow slow approach as well

@monkeysox Yet I find it worrying that you appear to know so little about home education yet find it ok to make such comments.

Home education does not mean "teaching", it is about facilitating their education.

I'm a home educator, I'm also a former teacher as it happens, and what we do is nothing like teaching - at all.

Don't you think it strange though that people who think home educators should be qualified to teach don't trust that the education they received from schools was enough to parent and educate their own children?

I actually am. However my preference is for her to be at school as I worry about socialisation and her confidence. I don’t want to do this if it’s not the right thing or will make her worse

Good post

are the school actually doing anything helpful to support her? Doesn’t sound like it.

How about asking them to move her down a year group.