To agree with this article on flaking

[ByGreenBiscuit]

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jan/07/flaking-out-of-social-plans

specifically, agreeing with the bit that says flaking is so much more common now, and with the people that say flaking is something we should take more seriously and do less of, that we have all started fetishising introversion a bit too much (I say this as someone who does this a lot themselves) and also that it is self-destructive and erodes our friendships.

I've been pretty much housebound the last couple of years due to caring responsibilities and I can't tell you how much I love and grateful I am for my friends who make the effort to come round regularly and stay in touch in whatever ways they can. I had a big birthday during this that was made special by them dropping in and doing all kinds of thoughtful things, knowing the situation. I was in tears by the end of the day due to this and one day I hope to be able to be there for them as much when needed. \I do try as much as I can now.

It boils down to that really, effort. If you care about people you make them feel loved and important and if you want friends, you need to show care, thought and appreciation.

It is very very rare for me to flake. I hate people who cancel at the last minute (unless ill) as I know how disappointing it is when you are looking forward to a night out and people start dropping like flies. I do distance myself from the serial offenders. It is definitely worse now you can just text to say I'm not coming instead of calling or whatever. Anyway I agree OP it is a real shame that people are becoming so incredibly unsocialable. I am very much an introvert but I love to socialise (as long as I have time alone afterwards!). I don't understand why it is so trendy to be a misery guts with no friends now! Our social connections are so important for our health and well being.

Yes zero efforts now. Think people got lazy happy sit in. If you suggest dates nobody replies. Two friends dont drive so that restricts things too. Sometimes I just think can I be assed its such hard work!

If it's "being flaky is annoying, no shit sherlock" okay but tbh most of the things the writer cites as factors in the article (and people have noted on this thread) are very recent phenomena - the influence of Covid, fetishization of being an introvert/staying home, the increased importance of the individual v collective/collaborative society, increase in anxiety, WFH making it more normal to go days without leaving the house, being able to message someone to cancel rather than actually having to ring them and hear their disappointment, etc etc.

Sorry, there's nothing new under the sun. I didn't recognise anything "new" there. Because I'm old and what goes around comes around.

the races one?
completely different scenario.

Being flakey is committing to something and then dropping out. You can't be flakey if you never said you were going to an event in the first place! I would never be "hurt" if someone said (a polite) no to an event I organised, only if they said yes and then didn't come. And you've got no idea what they might be doing instead of said event. Not spending a whole day with other people doesn't automatically mean sitting on the couch!

There's nothing wrong with saying no to something, for any reason. It's saying yes and then changing your mind, for anything except a very good reason, and even then only occasionally, that makes someone flakey/rude.

No, not the races one, I just saw that and it's different because the OP is vegan and morally objects to horse racing.

The one I mentioned is about a day trip to Disneyland Paris. I mean, I wouldn't be desperate to do it either, but there are so many people saying they wouldn't be able to cope without alone time to recharge, etc. Put your own oxygen mask on first and all that jazz.

It's literally a once in a lifetime event/invitation, recharge the next day!

you've seen Covid 19 multiple times before in your long existence? okay....

It's a fact, not just my opinion, that text messaging has not been in existence for the majority of human history, so it's not as if I'm making up that it's made it much easier to cancel than when you had to ring someone, or, (depending on exactly how 'old' you are), not even have that option and commit to meeting someone or accept they would be pretty annoyed at having waited around for you to not turn up.

you still haven't clarified what it is you're actually trying to say?

oh, yeah, I saw that one too. I still think it's a bit pathetic to be 'hurt' if someone rejects an invitation though.

My DH is like that. I have such respect for him: he is an utterly reliable friend / volunteer

My DH is a real introvert BUT he is not a flaker. He declines quite a few invites to work parties and such, as he is peopled out by the end of the day. But if he says he will be somewhere, he will be there.

You picked a good one

That is so unhealthy!

LovelyChickens
I completely agree about the fetishisation of introversion. It is almost fashionable to say on SM about how you hate people, hate leaving home, prefer dogs to humans, despise parties etc; it has started to make me roll my eyes really.

There's a thread about wanting a job working from home ft (of course!) where they won't have to speak to anyone. I mean, wtf? This simply wasn't an option - or a widespread option - pre- Covid. So extending 100% wfh to also not leaving home at all, flaking on arrangements.. it's a fast-moving and worrying social trend

You can see why lots are lonely and nobody wanting to do anything. Crap at times. I bring my magazine to cafes now just less stress than wondering will people flake

To be fair on the WFH front, I love the fact that my social battery isn't drained by work, so I can use it on my friends instead.

Introversion is very much a "what gives you energy" thing to me. I love socialising and am good at it, it just tires me rather than energizes me. I also work in IT, so my colleagues give almost zero energy to socialising.

Exactly. You do get out of friendships what you put in. And there are many different ways to show that you are a friend. Sometimes I am tired and don’t always want to make the effort. But I keep my engagements and check in on friends who are struggling. Perhaps if ever I need their support one day I will get that back. I think social relationships are really important.

My parents are elderly now. When I see them, and others of their generation, the happiest ones are not the ones with children and grandchildren. The most content are the ones who still have a social life of some sort and can still engage with their own peers and meet up with friends or even just have long chats on the phone. Friends are important, however much MN says the opposite.

Rest.

Is 'rest' always a priority on every given day then? Even when there's a friends birthday and she would like you to be part of her celebrations?

you've seen Covid 19 multiple times before in your long existence? okay....

If you want to be pernickety, then you are saying that everything is new under the sun.

The Disaster Recovery Plans I wrote in 2014 seemed to fare pretty well when COVID popped up. Almost as if they weren't predicated on any single specific event.

I repeat: giving something a different name - or using the same name and pretending it's something different - is a fucktonne older than me.

Let's sing our disagreements shall we ?

It's a turnaround jump shot
It's everybody jump start
Every generation throw a hero up the pop charts

Nowt wrong wi' a jigsaw

But I do agree that there's a cohort of people who almost seem to fetishise almost a form of victimhood, never mind introversion. Can't bear any slightly unpleasant emotion or feeling, can't do anything they find slightly difficult, insist that they always come first to "protect" themselves, have absolutely no resilience and heaven forfend they'd put themselves out for anyone else, no matter how near or dear to them. They just couldn't possibly be expected to put themselves through the trauma/horror/stress of anything like this.

Throw in stuff like "sleep-maxxing" (where the concept is to optimise one's sleep so that you're always fully rested, but ends up with people living their lives round sleep) and "self care" it seems like life is being lived...for what? To be rested and cocooned but never actually do anything.

In fairness, at least some of that is because it's a deeply joyless sounding trip by coach to Disneyland Paris, starting at 6 am and ending at midnight, which can't involve much time in the actual park. I'd be perfectly happy with a long day in company, despite being quite introverted (I'd recharge the day after), but I'd be underwhelmed by being stuck on a bus for hours and hours longer than the activity the trip is purportedly for.

Sorry, Brenda, aka @BrightYellowDaffodil -- I honour your jigsaw-making, honestly! And I absolutely agree with the rest of your post. There's a fetishisation of inertia.

I'm a massive introvert and I never, ever flake. However I am careful when booking stuff. I try to never book things two days in a row and to only agree if it's something I am fully committed to doing it. It's fine to say no to people and it's fine to say maybe, can I tell you on the day as not sure what else I've got on.

we have all started fetishising introversion

This. The sort of behaviour which 20 or 30 years ago was evidence of being crap or disorganised is now celebrated as "introversion". Either it gets wrapped up with lots of self-congratulatory psycho guff about "needing to recharge" or, worse still, is now the preserve of the professional "people haters" or the people who don't know anyone except "my little family" (but love shouting about it on social media)

People have started using "self-care" as the ultimate get out of jail free card to basically avoid having to do anything which they don't really want to do.

Yes sometimes going out in the rainy dark and getting a tube isn't what you feel like in January after a tough week at work. You do it for your friends (if you value them) or you will eventually lose them. If you're genuinely sick or struggling no one will hold it against you but the idea that its fine to just sit scratching your arse and looking at your phone for three hours because "self care" or "introversion" is childish.

Agree with this. I have a friend who is increasingly saying she can’t talk about certain subjects as she finds it ‘triggering’ - fine, if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s like walking through a field of land mines having a conversation there are so many. It’s tiresome and tbh comes across as quite controlling. I do think some people just need to suck it up and stop avoiding any difficult feelings - we can’t live in bloody cotton wool all our lives.

Yes this. Also an introvert and have learned through experience not to book social events two days in a row. Once or twice a week is well enough for me!