HELP! Children’s birthday party invites!

[Twittwoofiftytwo]

Okay so I’m aware that I sound like a terrible person. My five-year-old daughter‘s birthday is next month and we are having a party in a hall so capacity isn’t limited.

She recently started reception in September since then she’s had a couple of issues with five children in her class that have special educational needs. When I say issues she’s been pushed off a climbing frame and had her lips split open, she’s been punched, she’s been spat at she’s been sent home weekly pretty much with injuries.

She doesn’t want these children at her birthday party but I feel very bad inviting the whole class except five of them. What would you do in this scenario? Am I being unreasonable in inviting everyone except a handful of children?

what would you do? Would you tell the parents of the children you aren’t inviting???

While nobody should have to invite someone they don't like to their party you can't just exclude the 5 SEN kids (wonder how you know this anyway?). It would be a really shitty thing to do.
Its all class, all 1 sex or half the class (or similar)

Of course you can't exclude them. You either have half the class, or all of them. You could ask all the parents to stay which might help.

You simply can’t exclude five kids with SEN if every other child in the class is going.

I’m assuming all children will be accompanied by a caregiver so maybe it’s a chance to get to know the kids and their parents?

I'd cancel the party before i'd exclude 5 children from a class of 4/5 year olds.

For me it would be whole class or a couple of friends and a smaller get together. Parents usually stay and supervise at that age.

What SEN do these children have ? How do you know what thier SEN is ? And is it really all 5.

Hoping this is a goady post, as an SEN parent… we know our children are different already, without the added exclusions.

Hmm. I definitely wouldn’t be inviting children who injure my child, that’s for sure. Because why would I expose my child to that, and also because it’s a headache if someone decides to confront you about it. But I agree you’d need to not-invite more children too. Does she have friends/cousins etc outside of school you can invite to bump up the numbers? If so I’d then do half the class or whatever, plus the outside children.

Don’t worry too much though as by year 1 or 2 there are no more class parties and parties go on around you all the time with just a handful of kids. People don’t even realise they’re not invited.

No you can't. I can understand that you won't want to invite children who have hurt her to a birthday party.

Have a much smaller party. You should invite less than half of the class if you want to only invite some children.

Sorry I wasn’t clear. She doesn’t want to invite five children but only two of them have SEN which I know because they have teaching assistants one to one in class.

You’re obviously all right I know really I can’t not invite them but I just don’t want children that are known to have viokent outbursts and be quite disruptive to disrupt her party as unfair as that might be of me.

I wouldn't be inviting children who hurt my child. I'd go with half to slightly more of the class but ask your child who they want to come as there might be children outside the class that they might prefer to ask . It's then not a class party. Yanbu.

I do understand where you are coming from, but you can't do that.

As pp have said, you invite half, all of one sex or all.

I'd expect all,parents to stay for a Reception party, and kids to be adequately supervised. I wouldn't shy away from asking a parent kindly "please can you keep an eye on xxx, he's seems to be getting a little over excited" should you need to.

What's happening to your DD is terrible and school need to work on their supervision, but you can bet anything those kids' parents are ha in a far worse time.

You can’t not invite five of them that’s mean they all get into fallings out, fights etc at that age.
You should tell her to hit them back next time they hurt her though.

She isn’t including them because they have SEN. She wants to exclude them because they shoved her over and split her lip open and would probably ruin the party anyway.

You can’t only exclude 5. Those parents and children will know.

We have only ever invited max half the class and reasoned that with his cousins, family friends and football team friends this is more than enough. We obviously accept he won’t be invited to everyone’s party either!

WTF. My kids have never been beaten up/split lips/spat on etc at school (or anywhere). Terrible standard to accept!

It would be very unfair to your daughter to expect her to invite children to her birthday party who have physically hurt her! And not setting a good example morally.
No adult would ever have someone who had physically harmed them at their birthday party, so no child should have to either.

HOWEVER....the behaviours of these children will be happening either due to SEN or hurt caused by trauma, so to obviously exclude them would be very unfair aswell.

The only solution here would be to do a smaller party with just some of the class (half or less) maybe some from another class in the same year group if there is one?

In a similar situation I invited the whole class and the violent kid came (and his violent little brother) and his mum stayed with him and it was absolutely fine, all the kids had fun. I made sure there was plenty of room for running around and activities to keep everyone busy.

In the end no one will know who was or wasn't invited except you as some might have been sick, no show etc

Just pick ten to invite - that's plenty.

I wouldn't invite any child who had been violent to DDs to their parties. DD2 has SEN, and I have invited kids with SEN to their parties.

Thank you all. I am going with half the class (she can pick) and then family and friends’ children. Seems the best way!

I don't think it's reasonable to exclude the children who have SEN. it's hardly their fault also.

OP my son hurt kids in reception and preschool, before diagnosis, before we really knew. I was mortified every time it happened. It doesn't happen anymore but I'll never forget the feeling of him being left out of parties, playdates etc.

My son is 11 now and in specialist education and so much better and regulating his feelings.

I bumped into the mum of the lad who left out my son 7 years ago at a preschool party..I felt pure venom at her I'm sorry to say. She goes to the same fitness class as me now. Her son, now 11 is struggling and has emotional outbursts at school and is closed to being excluded. She asked me for advice! You never know how life works out and when you need friends and support. I think kindness can go a long way.

I really, really valued the mums who were kind enough to include my child as it was isolating enough being the parent of the different child with struggles. At a party I would always stay with my child and watch him like a hawk.

It's difficult because your priority will always be your little one but if you do decide not to avoid these kids please be discrete.

I don't think you're being unreasonable and I wouldn't hesitate to only invite the children who my child wanted at their party

I've always insisted that my DD invite a child who had been hitting her and who has since been diagnosed.

It's not like an adult being violent. It's kids who under an awful lot of stress who have not yet learned how to regulate themselves. I've tried to explain this to DD and why we can't leave her out. Anyway they and now older and have calmed down a lot in this regard and actually she's been a lot more included generally with the girls.

Her mum used to stay with her at parties. She knew she needed a bit of support.

Definitely exclude them. Why should your daughter have to invite kids who are violent towards her to her birthday party? Poor kid

This. No way I would be forcing my kid to dread her party and probably have it spoiled by a kid who smacks her about and hurts her just to be politically correct.