HELP! Children’s birthday party invites!

[Twittwoofiftytwo]

Okay so I’m aware that I sound like a terrible person. My five-year-old daughter‘s birthday is next month and we are having a party in a hall so capacity isn’t limited.

She recently started reception in September since then she’s had a couple of issues with five children in her class that have special educational needs. When I say issues she’s been pushed off a climbing frame and had her lips split open, she’s been punched, she’s been spat at she’s been sent home weekly pretty much with injuries.

She doesn’t want these children at her birthday party but I feel very bad inviting the whole class except five of them. What would you do in this scenario? Am I being unreasonable in inviting everyone except a handful of children?

what would you do? Would you tell the parents of the children you aren’t inviting???

I hope 'half the class' will not end up meaning all the girls bar two, for eg

No way would I invite kids who have hurt my child. It would give her a terrible message that you’re not protecting her. And it would give them the message that they can do what they want to your DD without repercussions. Excluding one would look pretty bad but fair enough to exclude 5 I reckon.

I think the party is the least of your problems. Something is going wrong at the school if this is allowed to happen.

*Jollygirlouted *

your situation sounds sad and I feel for your son but it’s really not relevant to the OP.
I certainly would not want my child to exclude someone with Sen just because they were different but that’s not the same as excluding someone because they are violent (particularly if the violence has been directed towards the birthday child) x

I have ALWAYS invited the whole class, but interestingly, SEN, and non-SEN. My dc were punched by the so-called 'normal' children, and plotted against, and pushed.

As a parent of 5DC,2 of my children are autistic of course you don't have to invite everyone.

I think it's really important that from a young age that you're child knows you have their back!Take it from someone who's mum invited someone that I really didn't get on with to one of my birthday party's and he ruined the party for everyone including me the birthday girl who spent alot of the time in tears because of what he was doing.

Luckily both of my DC that are autistic have never been violent to anyone else but if any of my DC had hurt another child there's no way I'd expect them to be invited to that child's party.

As adults we wouldn't invite someone out that had hurt us so why the hell do we expect so much more from children?!

I’ve got to ask.. there’s 5 kids when SEN and all five of them have hurt your child but no one else has? I’m a little sceptical as the chances of that being the case is unusual. If this is a real post, I think you need to be liaising with school - party isn’t the issue, your child needs to feel safe on a daily basis and the children with extra needs need far more support.

I would invite half the class instead of just excluding a few.

However on another note - are you serious when you say your daughter has been sent home weekly due to injuries from other children? If so, the school sounds horrific and like it’s a safeguarding issue rather than a SEN issue! Have you spoken to school about this and what action are they taking to protect your daughter?

No you shouldn't; she'll get in trouble.

Go ballistic at the school if they aren't safeguarding her, but don't tell her to do this.

I really get that people are passionate about protecting their children but I absolutely agree that we need to teach understanding rather than shunning/ division. I would read the excellent message from @Putthekettleon73 very carefully. It's always fine to have your rights when you're in a 'I'm alright Jack' position, but that can change when you least expect it. Then you are seeking goodwill from people you've previously shown no compassion towards, or empathised with. Absolutely at 5 years old and to an extent all through school there will be children struggling to regulate, for whatever reason. They may not be able to speak well and do communicate physically. The more we can connect with them, the higher chance we'll have of them choosing to turn themselves around. If we constantly reinforce feelings of worthlessness and shame, the worse their behaviour will get.

I would be honest with the parents and ask them stay and monitor; if they're offended then that's their choice but you are putting out the hand of understanding and compassion, which is so important for the parents as much as the child.

It's society - yes we need rules and boundaries, but if we exclude and marginalise then societal problems will increase, as 'scumbags' (as they always seem to be called on neighbourhood apps) will not feel any fidelity to those they are targeting. It's kind of Harry and Wormtail. It might make all the difference one day.

It's also not fair on ops innocent dd to be hit regularly.

If that's really the issue, why is OP fannying around worrying about birthday parties and not the everyday school issues? Either she's exaggerating or she's ignoring the real problem

Then ask the parents to stay and make sure you have adult backup - which you need for kids of that age

BTW I'm not implying children with SEN become problems to society! Young offenders are more than 50% likely to have communication or literacy issues, meaning they've probably struggled at school and that may have manifested itself in behavioural problems.

Invite who your child wants to invite. Simple! I’m fed up of parents bringing up their children to become righteous little brats. They need to learn disappointment this is how they will strive later on in life.
you can’t exclude all 5 if they have SEN ( but you’ve previously said only 2 have)
it’s your daughters party and she’s going to have kids there who have hurt her in the past.

As an adult would you invite people to your party who have hit you/punched you in the past?

seriously fed up of too goofy parents nowadays.

( my 3 yr old hasn’t been invited to one of her best friends party’s at nursery recently….. does she care? No. Do I? No! )

Why not just invite her friends or the people she mainly plays with. Inviting the whole class except for the 5 children in the class with special education needs just looks mean

So you think the parent should accept the possibility of her child being hurt just so she doesn’t offend someone with SEN? Sorry but that is ludicrous!
I accept it’s not the child’s fault but I would insist on the child’s parent being there too, to deal with any issues.
The thought of my child having her party ruined because of a child with special needs turns my stomach! Sad though it may be, children with SENs will be treated differently, just as a child with a facial deformity or mobility issues will be.
People need to adapt, and definitely a parent should be there. Why ruin an innocent child’s party? That’s equality gone mad!

Yeah it’s absolutely fine. Your kid can’t be invited to every party. If you’re not good friends with the birthday child don’t expect an invite. That’s absolutely the message I give to my children. Excluding 1 not ok. Excluding more than 1 for whatever reason. Fine

Ahh victim blaming...starts young!

Why? What is this obsession with the class being split by sex?

This post has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that 2 of the children are SEN….( but you’ve previously get the righteous parents piping up as soon as they see that word)

This is about inviting the people your child wants at the party.
Let her invite who she wants, but I will dat be ready if she doesn’t get invited to parties either. Teach her that is just life and it’s ok.

Invite who you want she has been physically harmed by these children so yes you can exclude them whether they are SEN or not, everyone E saying you can’t needs to give their heads a wobble, funnily enough SEN children also need to learn you can’t just hurt people. It would be worse if it was one or two but it’s 5 people - it is what it is.

The OP has admitted that she misled everyone in the original post - as I suspected it’s not 5 children with SEN hitting her child, story was completely implausible in terms of probability. And of course it’s not okay for anyone to hit another child - if the story was true she would be speaking to school and demanding changes there, rather than party planning on mumsnet.

It would obviously be very rude and very poor manners to invite everyone but exclude the other children.

personally I would be looking at another school for my children if this was happening but I would not disinvite children.

Wtf no you can’t do that

These are reception age children, so most are still 4 years old. The school environment is still very new to them, and I can't see that OP knows whether these incidents were deliberate.
Starting off school life excluding others seems to smack of not giving chances.
Also the parents would all stay at a party for children of this age.