HELP! Children’s birthday party invites!

[Twittwoofiftytwo]

Okay so I’m aware that I sound like a terrible person. My five-year-old daughter‘s birthday is next month and we are having a party in a hall so capacity isn’t limited.

She recently started reception in September since then she’s had a couple of issues with five children in her class that have special educational needs. When I say issues she’s been pushed off a climbing frame and had her lips split open, she’s been punched, she’s been spat at she’s been sent home weekly pretty much with injuries.

She doesn’t want these children at her birthday party but I feel very bad inviting the whole class except five of them. What would you do in this scenario? Am I being unreasonable in inviting everyone except a handful of children?

what would you do? Would you tell the parents of the children you aren’t inviting???

I used to invite the tricky kids to my children's parties for the reason I did not want them to be left out. On one occasion one girl refused to join in with the inside entertainer and snuck out to go on the bouncing castle. Of course I followed her to make sure she was OK....and she was upside with her eyes closed and her head back looking like she had broken her neck! I was calling and calling her name in a panic and running towards her when she suddenly jumped up and laughed and said she had tricked me into thinking she had hurt herself. Great. Little did she know my best friend and I were in a car accident as young adults and my friend did break her neck and ended up a quadriplegic so I was so worried about this child.
And since that day I have never invited children who my child does not want at their party. I have realised children who don't want to play nicely with my children are not suddenly going to be playing nicely at a party. And I say that as someone who is neurodiverse and so are both my kids. If your daughter is not friends with these kids you are not obliged to entertain them.

My advice would be to change the venue instead - then you can restrict to numbers and I'd say a maximum of 10 kids. Anything more than that if there aren't supervisors etc. can really get messy and unruly.

Either invite less children or make it clear adults are expected to stay. I would think they would anyway at that age but it’s worth being clear! You can’t exclude five children.

There's one school of thought that says invite a number of guests equal to the child's age.

5 year old gets five guests, and so on.

If you use this rule of thumb you can narrow down to her favorite kids and who could fault it?

It’s your kid. Do what they want.

Perhaps don’t invite the whole class if you wish to exclude the 5 with sen

as a parent to a sen child he seldom got invites and I understood why, we even got deinvited once which broke his heart

i always used to stay with him when he was invited just in case

not saying you should invite the sen kids it’s up to you at the end of the day

One of my kids has SEN and I would never have left them at that age at a party. Most parents wouldn’t leave any kids at that age unless they had asked you first or sent them with another parent.

Can you send the invite /a reminder with wording that makes it clear you expect the parents to stay?

Enjoy and make sure you have wine for afters!!!

I wouldn't be inviting children that my own child doesn't want at their OWN party. Fuck that.

I think you're overthinking it. My 5yo is in reception and wasn't invited to a birthday party a few weeks ago, his best friend was invited which is how I know the child in his class was having a birthday party. I've got no idea if it was a whole class party or not (the venue is one that would have had capacity for a whole class) do I care? No because my child doesn't care, he doesn't play much with the child in question. How are people so over invested that that know who's having what party and can hold the grudge against parents for the next 10 years? I don't even know the names of all the reception children yet, never mind the parents. Inviting 25 out of a class of 30 seems OK to me, it's not like all kids will be going so a child isn't singled out. In terms of the violence your child is being subjected to, I'd be demanding answers and safeguarding policies, you expect a bit of pushing/ shoving etc but what you've listed is totally unacceptable, no child should be experiencing that

i’d invite the whole class. at her age, she is much too young to actually know that she dislikes someone - throughout that year i am certain she will go through several “best friends”. i know she was hurt but the reason isn’t the child with the disability or extra needs, it is the fault of the teachers who didn’t pay attention. i wouldn’t penalise those kids and wouldn’t want to be the mother who rules out children with special needs. also you should push your daughter to move past these incidents and not define her future friendships based on that, especially since these were accidents. this is a perfect learning opportunity for your child.

I think they're bigger issues here. I'd be marching into the school to the Head to ask what they're doing to protect our daughter if she's having injuries constantly. I have a DS with SEN and if he was injuring the class all the time, then I wouldn't expect him to be invited. Yes I'd be crushed of course, but I totally understand. And it's more than the SEN kids anyway from your post, so the school has a massive issue there if reception children are hurting each other. What on earth is going on!!!

No, we’re moving schools but that takes time. There’s nothing else I can do but wait for a space at a local school

This is a great point. So many people on here saying cut out the kids who are SEND, or even just a bit different.
They're 4 or 5 for goodness sake, give them a chance.

No, it's cutting out kids who have physically hurt the OP's child. SEND or not, they don't get a special pass to be abusive.

The point is they're all 4 or 5, how many perfectly fine members of society have never done anything wrong?

The point is, why should a young child have to invite kids they don't like to their party?

The point is, why should some kids getting away with hitting, pushing and still expect to be rewarded by going to parties of the kids that they are hurting?

I don't buy the "they're 4 or 5". I have a 4 year old and he knows what is right and what is wrong and how to behave. As his parent, I wouldn't be taking him to the party of a kid he's been horrible to either. Responsible parenting, it's not hard.

It doesn’t matter if they know. They are being excluded for a good reason (violent behavior towards the birthday child). It’s perhaps a good thing they know the reason, and this little girl should not have to dread her party in order to be PC.

There is a difference between ‘never doing something wrong’ and giving someone a split lip.
My kid misbehaves sometimes as all kids do but he can never split someone’s lip or stamped on someone’s face.

Nigel? 😄

by the sounds of it your daughter is scared of these kids if she is coming home dailyt with injuries as a result of these kids bullying her I don't understand why they should be invited to a party of the person they have injured and frightened just because of sen actions have consequences regardless of ability or disability

so if sen needs it perfectly fine to injure and frighten another child and expect to be rewarded no sorry don't buy that

I’m sorry but this is beyond reasonable now. A child having their face stamped on WTAF!!!!!! No way would my child be going into that school until it was dealt with in what ever way appropriate. You poor little one needs protecting x

You make me want to put my head through a mincer. Yes, they all get in to fights and fallings out at ANY age but telling them to hit someone back? You think that’s acceptable?

FYI - my SEN 7 year old could easily wipe the floor with a much bigger child should the fancy take them HOWEVER if they did hit someone in the first place, they absolutely wouldn’t understand why another child had hit them, let alone hit them back. It’s not terrible parenting, or lack of boundaries - it’s just how some SEN children voice their frustrations.

now wind your neck in you absolute fool.

Do you think they realise they are frightening another child? Do you think they are doing it on purpose? Do you think they find birthday parties a reward?

WOW. Just wow.

You’re the one with your neck out. If a child can’t control themselves or understand that hurting another is wrong then they are a danger and should not be allowed to continue attending a school.