HELP! Children’s birthday party invites!

[Twittwoofiftytwo]

Okay so I’m aware that I sound like a terrible person. My five-year-old daughter‘s birthday is next month and we are having a party in a hall so capacity isn’t limited.

She recently started reception in September since then she’s had a couple of issues with five children in her class that have special educational needs. When I say issues she’s been pushed off a climbing frame and had her lips split open, she’s been punched, she’s been spat at she’s been sent home weekly pretty much with injuries.

She doesn’t want these children at her birthday party but I feel very bad inviting the whole class except five of them. What would you do in this scenario? Am I being unreasonable in inviting everyone except a handful of children?

what would you do? Would you tell the parents of the children you aren’t inviting???

Of course you can not invite them. These children harmed your child. Advocate for her.

And she'll get in to trouble?

I removed my daughter from reception class after one half term and moved schools because of a few children (one main protagonist) who regularly and deliberately hurt her (significant bruising at times). It hugely impacted her mental health.

Whar your daughter is suffering sounds similar and terrible. Put everything in writing to school and label all correspondence with safeguarding. Request copies of all incidents (make sure they are logging it). Child on child abuse is a safeguarding issue for the school (regardless of the perpetrators circumstances). Inclusivity shouldn’t trump child safety.

if there’s any option of moving, check out the alternative schools so you have a back up. She needs to know that abuse is not right and never and excuse.

Sending all my support to you

Don't just exclude the SEN kids without speaking to the parents first. Not all SEN kids are the same. Mine never gets invited to parties and I'm tired of being upset about it especially as his twin brother gets invited to loads. People don't bother to ask about his needs they just assume he'll cause trouble or won't cope. Talk to the parents please as maybe there is a way around this. Kids remember being left out. I'm sorry your son has been hurt by SEN kids, it's a huge problem at times and a struggle for SEN and mainstream schools. Thank you for being understanding there and I sincerely hope things improve for your son at this school as it's awful he's had so many injuries. My Autistic son has speech delay and social skill development delay but never hurts anyone but still gets excluded from parties and events. It's horrible for him especially when I take his brother to a party and he has to come with me and watch drop off and pick up with everyone stating and some people asking why his brother isn't coming in while parents hosting look the other way as I say he wasn't invited.

It's her party and she shouldn't have to suffer abuse at it. She shouldn't have to suffer it at school either and I would be going in for a very serious conversation with the head. Parents cannot expect their child to be included if they cause serious physical injury to other children, whether or not it is the fault of the aggressor child.

I wouldn't invite anyone that hurt my child.

If there were 5 children "hurting" just my child in reception I'd have queried my own child's behaviour towards them to cause it. Especially if they were SEN and it was as frequent as you're saying!

I hate to be the one to tell
you this, but with over excited 4 and 5 year old children in a church hall birthday party, there will be bumps, scrapes, collisions, squabbles and pushes all over the place. Even with the non-SEND children.

Lol. No. If she invites everyone except the "trouble kids" everyone will know and noone will ever forget. She will be That Mother until the end of time.

Don't do it.

I’d never invite children who were hurting my dd, SEN or not. If that means a few kids are excluded from her party then so be it, they shouldn’t have hurt her.

@Twittwoofiftytwo I wouldn't have any problem NOT inviting the five children that have previously assaulted your daughter. No matter their age, it's not acceptable to hit another child. And if they or their parents don't like that, tough! They need to learn.

My son was attacked regularly at school, coming home with a black eye, bruises, wet clothes etc. the school and the parents did nothing! It got so bad we ended up removing him and home educating.

I'm sure all these parents saying ooh you can't exclude the kids, I bet they'd have a different view if it was their child being attacked!

And what does it teach your child if you invited them? That's it's OK for other people to hurt you?

Listen to your child OP, they're telling you they don't want them there for very good reason and you'll never stop the attacks at school if you allow this

I wouldn't invite them.

Never have I invited or been forced to invite someone who hit me to my party.

As others have said I'd be more worried about sending my child into to school everyday to face the situation you describe! No way would I allow them to face that threat of violence everyday and be worrying about a stupid party. What do you say when she comes home with another injury? " It's ok because they won't be coming to your party for a couple of hours but you still have to spend the rest of your time with them"?
This is child abuse that you and the school are allowing to happen and 4 year old should not have to face it.

You won't be not inviting them because of thier needs, you'll be not inviting them because they treat your kid badly

Just invite who you want. My girl is in reception and I have no idea who has been invited to what parties and which she has not been invited to. It really does not matter.

That may be the case, but it's not how it will look 🤷‍♀️

By inviting these 'nasty' children you are sending our signals that it is ok to behave that way and other children should just put up with it.
Personally, I would even have such a big party.....why can't you keep it small and intimate and invite just a few of her special friends and send some small cakes to school for her class on a separate day.
This would also eliminate the need for extra supervision at the original venue, unless of course you feel comfortable looking after so many children.

How do you know it’s not kids with SEN? Of course it isn’t always but that doesn’t mean it isn’t in OPs situation. It’s not being ignorant or stupid to describe a situation that’s actually happening.

It's not the children's fault they behave this way, this is an issue with the staff working with the children and the school. You cannot exclude SEN children that is horrible.
You need to be having a serious sit down with school about the injuries your child is getting, but I would definitely invite all the class or change how many you're inviting and just invite the kids she's made friends with.
You need to speak to your daughter and explain these children's needs and how they behave isn't because they aren't nice children, it's because their brain works differently etc. and that it's the adults responsibility to help themselves children stay calm and behave nicely.

This.
If you can’t behave yourself you miss nice things (or should) and people won’t like you

Your plan of half the class is good.
Unless you know the parents and know that they would watch their child, I definitely wouldn't invite a child to a party who is likely to hurt other children. My son was terrified of a then undiagnosed child in reception, and much as I was sympathetic, I would not have invited him to a birthday party - why should my four year old have to suffer that, especially at their own party? X

I did this years ago with one child out of a class of 30. I don’t believe the child in question had SEN, but he was really horrible to my daughter and she explicitly asked me not to invite him. So I didn’t. I put her first because she is my daughter.

The mother of the child in question, despite my attempts to reach out before the party and since, has never spoken to me. It’s been 6 years. Her son and my daughter are now at the same secondary school. Still she refuses to make eye contact with me.

But I’m glad I made that choice for my daughter - what messages would that have given had I invited him against her wishes?

I’ve excluded 5 or 6 children for capacity reasons. so I think it’s fine. You can’t invite everyone. We’ve had a party with a max of 20 kids before there is 26 in the class so I told her to pick her top 20. Kids need to learn they can’t be invited to every party. If you were excluding one child then fair enough but you’re not. You’re excluding 5 kids who hurt your child. Absolutely fine IMO

Don't listen to people who insist you have to invite children to your daughters birthday party who have physically attacked her be they SEN or otherwise especially as your daughter has said she doesn't want them there! You don't have to do this, invite whomever your child wants to invite to HER birthday party, its her special day, otherwise you are showing your daughter that you don't listen or respect her feelings, showing her that you don't have her back against these children that have attacked her, showing her that her wants, needs, feelings matter less than these other children who she doesn't want there because she doesn't want to be attacked again especially on her own special day! As an adult i wouldn't invite someone to a party of mine who has attacked me and whom i'm scared of so why in gods name are we pushing this on our kids to do! It needs to stop, for one bloody day of the year yes you can be "selfish" if you want to call it that and invite whomever you and your daughter want there, and not invite those she does not. On this one occasion you need to put your daughter first and sod what any one else may think