HELP! Children’s birthday party invites!

[Twittwoofiftytwo]

Okay so I’m aware that I sound like a terrible person. My five-year-old daughter‘s birthday is next month and we are having a party in a hall so capacity isn’t limited.

She recently started reception in September since then she’s had a couple of issues with five children in her class that have special educational needs. When I say issues she’s been pushed off a climbing frame and had her lips split open, she’s been punched, she’s been spat at she’s been sent home weekly pretty much with injuries.

She doesn’t want these children at her birthday party but I feel very bad inviting the whole class except five of them. What would you do in this scenario? Am I being unreasonable in inviting everyone except a handful of children?

what would you do? Would you tell the parents of the children you aren’t inviting???

You can be all PC and invite them if you want.

Or you can be honest and say ‘why the hell would you invite a child who hurts yours’ - actions have consequences, SEN or not.

Inviting half the class - so leaving out potential friends, kids who won’t reciprocate and how will you feel explaining that to your child that they’re not invited?

Why can't she not invite 5 kids that are basically bullying her daughter??? I wouldn't be worried about looking unreasonable for not inviting kids that hit and push my daughter, what's the stigma. I wouldn't invite someone to my party if I didn't like them, why should your daughter have to spend time with kids she doesn't like on a day that's about her??? Who cares if the parents don't like the fact their kids not been invited, there's a reason for it.

Never understood whole class parties. They don't seem to be a thing here.
Invite who you want. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I too would exclude 5 children who were hurting mine.

OP, think of it this way. If one of those 5 kids gave your daughter an invite today to a party that they were having, would you/she say yes or no to going? If no, then don't invite them to her party.

Also, from a mum who has been on the other side of this, the parents may well not know it's your daughter in particular that their child has hurt. The school will just say it's a child in their class and not give a name.

I know you've decided on a smaller party, but I wouldn't hesitate to omit children who were routinely violent to my child.

Mn has so many posters who struggle socially and project this onto their children that it's ridiculously over-sensitive to 'exclusions' and perceived 'cliques' on school contexts, which means translates into a weird over-emphasis on some slightly crazed algorithm where it's either two special friends to an activity or whole class parties from which no one can be excluded on pain of death.

The problem isn't the children it's the lack of adequate supervision given by school to allow your child to be hurt.

Children behave differently in different circumstances and with a parent attending will hopefully be supervised better.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not invite children who have hurt and upset your daughter. I don't see why she should have to spend her birthday with these children. My daughter is in Reception and has been hurt by one child and is genuinely scared of her and it's really affected her experience of school, I can't see why I would invite this child to my daughter's birthday, at the end of the day I've got to put my daughter's happiness first.

Don't invite them and they can learn that actions have consequences.

Probably going to get flamed for this, but I actually think socially isolating a four or five year old who is only a term out of nursery isn't helpful, and that's why I would still invite them all.

By year 1 I wouldn't, but I don't think it's fair to write a child off based on behaviour during their first Reception term and a period of huge upheaval.

They're 4 or just turned 5.... They won't know that what happened at school 16 weeks ago means then can't go to a party....

Whole class is fairly standard for reception and year 1. You get to know the parents and kids friendships are very fluid at that age.

You might invite Sophie, Tyler, Jarrod and Millie on the 1st, and and by the 28th / party day, their best friends are Katie, Poppy, Aston and Nigel...

I wouldn't exclude just 1 kid as that's really mean but 5 is fine! It's a fifth or sixth of the class. Also how would the parents even know? I don't keep a tab on what class parties are going on.

respect Her wishes and absolutely don’t invite violent kids, SEN or otherwise.

You’ve decided on the right thing OP. You can’t teach your child that she deserves not to be hurt by other people at the same time as inviting people who hurt her to her own birthday.

one of my children has SN and wasn’t often invited to birthday parties, not because he was violent but because he just didn’t play with other children well and preferred to be alone. He wasn’t bothered about party invitations at all, so there’s no need to imagine that it will automatically be upsetting for children not to be invited. Sometimes they don’t want to go anyway. It broke my heart of course, but I’m an adult, and no child should have to compromise on their birthday party because of the feelings of an unrelated adult.

I work in a primary school with a higher than average percentage of children with SEND. Your DD seems to have experienced an unusually high incidence of injury in her first term at school. It is absolutely not normal for a child her age, in any setting, to come home with injuries inflicted by other children on a weekly basis. Either there is some exaggeration going on here or the school is failing in their duty of care. This may be due to poor behaviour management, lack of supervision or not meeting the regulation/sensory needs of children with SEN, or a combination of all three. In your shoes I would focus on this rather than worrying about the party. At this age parents usually stay for parties so would be able to supervise the children, the risk of any incidents would be minimal compared to school by the sound of it!

Parents of children with sen who have hit another child are usually mortified about this and worry about when it comes to socialising and knowing their child is unlikely to be invited to parties.

I think you are right to now ask fewer class mates, but otherwise asking all of the class, including the rougher ones, would actually be ok as parents usually stay, especially if they know their child might be triggered and it gives the child a good chance to be seen as a friend rather than that child with sen.

Frankly I would not invite kids that had hit my child to her birthday party.
If asked why you answer truthfully. I wonder what we are teaching our kids if we insist on inviting children that have hit our kids to their party?

Of course its your child's party, she doesn't have to invite people she doesn't want. However it is mean to exclude just a few children, especially if they can't help their behaviour. I think going with a few good friends is the way forward. In my only experience with just one son (year 7 now) it's only for the first maybe 2-3 years that they would really want a class party anyway, by Y3 activities become hugely important and mostly the kids ditch wanting the whole class for the chance to do an activity that would be dangerous, impossible or prohibitively expensive for the whole class. The last couple of years we did swimming at a local splash pool (which was 3 adults and 7 kids) no way of funding, transporting or safely supervising more, and trampolining which was a few more, but again not funding or supervising the full class.

Why not try viewing this through a different lens.

If she is really getting hurt so frequently then the school is not safeguarding appropriately. And in terms of the children with SEN they are bit being adequately supported.

Use this as a chance to get to know their parents and them before you make your judgements. Reach out to the parents of the children with SEN and see if there are any accommodations you could make. It may help their behaviour I.e. getting to go to the party 5min before the start to get familiar, having a quiet space for calm down available, trying to cater for any food aversions etc.

Absolutely this

Two days back at school and today one boy stamped on her face. It’s clear there’s a much deeper problem here with supervision and support for children that have violent tendencies. So after all that, I’m hoping to move her school before her birthday anyway

That does not give them excuse to physically hurt and frighten another child. The schools supervision is woeful if this is happening weekly. Perhaps mainstream education is not for them if they are putting other children at risk and ruining the educational experience for them.

Most schools say that if the invites are given out in school then you have to invite the whole class, otherwise you have to do it outside of school. I personally think life is to short to surround yourself with people you don't like , and this includes children's feelings too.

I would be having serious words with the school...blame the school for safeguarding rather than children who obvs aren't being supported properly. I would prob invite and take this as an opportunity to educate about self advocacy and boundaries.

I think invite say 20 out of 30.