HELP! Children’s birthday party invites!

[Twittwoofiftytwo]

Okay so I’m aware that I sound like a terrible person. My five-year-old daughter‘s birthday is next month and we are having a party in a hall so capacity isn’t limited.

She recently started reception in September since then she’s had a couple of issues with five children in her class that have special educational needs. When I say issues she’s been pushed off a climbing frame and had her lips split open, she’s been punched, she’s been spat at she’s been sent home weekly pretty much with injuries.

She doesn’t want these children at her birthday party but I feel very bad inviting the whole class except five of them. What would you do in this scenario? Am I being unreasonable in inviting everyone except a handful of children?

what would you do? Would you tell the parents of the children you aren’t inviting???

Your poor DD. Why would you invite the kids who have hurt her?! It's her birthday, she shouldn't have to worry about getting attacked at her party too, it's bad enough when she's at school. I can't believe people are saying you should invite them. Crazy!

You absolutely can leave them out.
Your child's birthday party should be fun and enjoyable for them, not feeling nervous and worried they'll get hurt. It's not about being diplomatic and trying not to offend the kids that have hurt her.

I would absolutely exclude them. When asked why by parents and school - tell them what you said here : your daughters been physically and rather disgustingly assaulted by these kids and protecting her well-being is more important than protecting their feelings.

Perhaps it will be a good opportunity for the parents and educators in this circle to explain how being a malicious little 💩 has consequences and they should do better.

The feelings of the 5 parents and 5 children is irrelevant. What is important is how you want your daughter to feel.

First of all I very much doubt your child is coming home with such injuries and you haven't been kicking off for a meeting

Now to your post

Yes your an A55 hat for not inviting 5 kids with SEN, You clearly know enough about these little children to label them with special needs and all you are doing is encouraging your kid to single out those who are different and be a bully heraelf

I will be in this situation soon and can tell you I will absolutely not be inviting the two little …. that have been hurting my reception age DD. She has been pushed over and given a kicking, she’s been poked in the eye, she has been punched in the face - meetings with the school have been met with no improvements.

I have seen these boys (cousins) be awful at other kids’ parties and the parents don’t care. One of the mums had the gall to get up in the face of another mum who didn’t invite due to behaviour issues and bullying!

Yes these boys allegedly have SEN (as does DD who is autistic) but being SEN doesn’t mean they are also not violent little toerags from horrible families. They will be excluded and I don’t care. I will not voluntarily put my child around kids who are violent, and for what? Because some people say “that’s the way it must be done”?

What are we doing in teaching a young girl that if a boy physically assaults her she still has to be conciliatory and nice to him and invite him to spend time with her? She has a right to feel safe and also to learn that protecting her physical safety matters more than hurting someone’s feelings.

SEN may explain why those children are behaving in that way and but you are not excluding them because they have SEN but because they have been violent to your child and she understandably doesn’t want to spend time with them now.

Invite more limited numbers so those kids aren’t the only ones excluded, but let your daughter spend her birthday without being scared someone is going to stamp on her face and split her lip (these are not small injuries). Sure those things are unlikely to occur at the party, but your daughter isn’t to know that.

I hope you are kicking up a hell of a fuss at
school and asking how they plan to safeguard your child.

I agree. If any child assaults mine in school I will be straight there making sure it doesn’t happen again. No child deserves to be assaulted, school is not the place for violence and it should not be tolerated.

Of course you can exclude them, SEN or not, any kid who hurts mine will not be attending her party. Or are we teaching little girls they have to put up and shut up?

There were 2 boys in my DDs reception class who were awful, hitting, swearing, throwing toys, one actually cut her hair with scissors, they were not invited to her party and I would have happily explained my reasons why should the parents have asked (but they didn’t).

I've always taught my DS to hit children back and ideally harder. It's totally ok for children (or anybody else) to defend themselves from attack. Thankfully the most he's ever had to do is a firm shove. Didn't get into trouble because he wasn't the initial aggressor.

Yes absolutely, I'm not going to teach my kid to just stand there and take it if another kid is assaulting her, I am most definitely telling her to hit back. Why should she have to accept getting hurt, it's not ok and it's fine for kids to defend themselves against an attack if they need to. What a ridiculous idea that children have to accept being attacked because of others needs.

Yep! 100%

I will probably get flamed for this but seeing as I've been in your position, I will comment.

Don't invite the kid who hurts your kid regardless of their SEN status.

My DS is 11, we've had this since nursery. When the autistic kid gets the hump over whatever, he makes a bee line for my son and hurts him. They were friends but now they have to be kept apart just to keep the peace because this kid is violent. My son has been stabbed, bitten, hit, punched, kicked, shouted and screamed at. Having SENs is not an excuse for being an arsehole, many people live with SEN without violent outburst and considering he goes round telling kids "I have autism, you have to do as I say!" I'm thinking his outbursts are more to do with being a brat rather than his actual autism but I'm beyond caring about this child, I just want him away from son.

I've had shitty fb posts about me, threatening messages from the parents, the school have now told the parents to not contact us. My son really doesn't want to go to school sometimes because of this child being out of control.

Don't invite the kid who hurts your kid! Simple.

When my daughter was about 7, she was frequently thumped by a child in her school. No amount of complaining to the school worked and the abuse continued. Although not in favour of violence, I decided that she had to stand up for herself and told her to hit her back when it happened again. The next day, she came home triumphant. ‘I did it!’ she said. I asked her what the other girl had done. ‘Nothing’, was her reply. ‘But she looked as though she was going to!’

OP it’s up to your daughter who she invites, it’s her party. I would fully support either of my children not wanting to invite any child who had injured them so often and so appallingly, and would happily assert this if need be to their parents. I’m teaching my children boundaries, and that physical violence is not acceptable. It’s bad enough children have to put up with it at school, let alone on their special day. I hope your daughter enjoys her party with friends she feels comfortable with and who treat her well.

Absolutely only invite those your daughter wants. It is her special day and by forcing her to invite people who have hurt and upset her you are saying her feeling matter less than theirs and that it is ok to be abusive if you have additional needs. It is not. Your daughter has the right to feel safe and protected and if the school cannot manage violent children who hurt others or the children can not understand that it is not ok then they need to be placed in a more appropriate setting. Change the party to a smaller one at home then at lest you can say you are restricted by numbers. Personally I would let daughter decide what and where and who comes and tough maybe those excluded will learn a valuable lesson. All kids in a mainstream school should be capable of learning and knowing hitting and hitting and pushing is not acceptable and if approached by a parent I would tell them you are sorry but their kid hurt yours and her birthday party should be somewhere she feels safe and happy not scared and worried she will be hurt because these kids have been invited. Sod that. My child’s needs and safety will always be my number one priority and if that offends anyone that’s not my problem.

Parent of a child with SEN and one without SEN.

I am glad you are removing your child from the school. I wouldn't be sending her in at all with that level of violence frankly. It can do untold damage, not just physically.

You don't have to invite anyone who hurts your DD to her party. I made the mistake of making my daughter invite all the girls from her class for her 5th birthday. The child she didn't want to invite made her cry. I still feel bad about that.

If my child with SEN hurt anyone (I hope they don't and try to make sure they are supervised well enough to make sure of this) then that's fine if they don't get invited somewhere.

I wouldn't invite children who have hurt my child, especially if she has clearly expressed that she doesn’t want them there. At the same time, I wouldn’t punish other children she enjoys spending time with just to avoid upsetting those who have hurt her. Not everyone invited will attend anyway—some may be sick, have other commitments, etc. I will ensure that the invites are given with discretion.

Just don't send the invites into school to be handed out there!

But why!!? If you don’t like them, you don’t like them! Don’t think ‘I’m not inviting them because they have SEN’, do think ‘I’m not inviting them because they have bullied my child’. Why would you invite a bully to your child’s party? What message does it send to your kid that it’s ok to have the bully over because YOU feel bad? Nooo

I think excluding five is okay for that reason. If it were just one or two then that would be worse.

Also they're not going to know how many people you invited