To think my son’s girlfriend’s dad is vile?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My son and his gf are both 20 and have been together on and off for four years. During that time, they have split up twice. On both occasions, the split happened because they both got drunk, got off with other people, and didn’t tell each other. In other words, there was cheating on both sides.

They always end up getting back together, because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited, prefer each other to anybody else, and have a great time together.

Most recently, they got back together in October, decided that their previous transgressions were a sign that they were just young and not quite ready - but now they are older they want to make a proper commitment to each other, be faithful and stay together.

My view is: who knows whether that will work or not, but I’m certainly rooting for them and I hope they’re very happy together. My son’s girlfriend’s fathers view, however, is that my son is ‘a cheating weasel’ - and so between October and now, my son has not been allowed in his house (where the girlfriend lives). This means that my son and his girlfriend spend most of their time in my house, where they are both absolutely welcome. I cook the girlfriend endless meals, look after her when she’s ill, take her out for dinner when the whole family is going out. My attitude is that anyone my children love is welcome in home (within reason, obviously – I wouldn’t welcome a serial killer!!) and if my son holds no grudge for previous cheating (which would be a bit rich since he did the same!) then I certainly don’t either. It’s his home too and therefore up to him.

I honestly cannot understand how his girlfriend’s dad isn’t totally ashamed of himself, maintaining this position of not allowing my son in his house, when he knows we’ve welcomed his daughter back with open arms. I also cannot understand how the girlfriend’s mother can go along with this terrible policy. I’ve decided that if my son and his girlfriend ever split up, I’m going to write her parents a letter and tell them exactly what I think of them. I’ve also decided that neither her father or her mother are welcome in my house - not that this should ever be an issue!

Am I being unreasonable or is their behaviour abhorrent?

Where I am ( Scotland ) this is a perfectly normal way of describing what took place.

I was going to say that. It's a regional phrase. And I'm quite posh.

Agree (I'm also from Scotland)

I'm from Kent and "getting off with someone" just meant snogging. Is it the same in Scotland?

I think some people use "get off" in the American sense of having an orgasm/sex.

Look on the bright side, @vegtrug.

She could have said "pure nipped" other people. 😀

Over involved much? These are two young adults. Back off a bit.

Talk about splitting hairs…

What a fiasco, I hope the pair of them have learned it's not always a great idea to tell your parents everything. Prime example here. Sounds like they both have pretty low standards in terms of a relationship.
Parents need to butt out, this will end in its own time.

Both sets of parents need to stay out of it. 🤷‍♀️

I am begging you with all my being. Do not write a letter. Do not do anything. Its none of your business.

Re your second question. There's three sides to every story

His
Hers
The Truth

Neither you nor her parents are likely getting the full, accurate version of events.

I’m sorry but you all sound insane ! They are 20 and adults are they not. I think you all really need to stop.

I agree. I would not be encouraging that relationship in any way.

Thanks for responses, everyone! Here’s my thinking, and some points of information.

1. I’ve been over-invested! True. Will back right off and leave them to it!
2. I won’t write any letters to anyone. Agree, that would be bonkers.
3. Disagree strongly that it’s ’the dad’s business who’s allowed in his house’. It’s his adult daughter’s home too, just as much as it’s his. She should therefore be allowed to invite round anyone she wants to welcome into her home, otherwise she’s not being treated as an equal in her own home, assuming they’re non-dangerous and non-criminal. Her dad doesn’t have to socialise with them. But not to allow guests his daughter wants (and loves) is tyrannical, patriarchal bullshit. It’s not her home if she can’t have her boyfriend in it. If her dad cared about her, he’d see this. No, not my business - but absolutely my right to have an opinion.
4. my son and his gf often cook for us all too - and I do too. We all take turns cooking, and whoever’s in the house gets fed.
5. I strongly disagree that the fact they both snogged other people and broke up means something bad about either them or their relationship. Nonsense! They were v young and committed too soon, before they were ready. Now they’ve both realised they love each other and feel ready. No idea if it’ll work this time, but some of the replies are way too quick to label their chances as slim and their behaviour and relationship as ‘toxic’. People make mistakes, learn and grow.

It would probably take me longer to forgive. But ultimately, yes, I would respect my DD’s choice. And maybe spit in his tea.

Re: 3. Nope. She's an adult still living in her parent's house that I'm guessing he pays for. He's allowed rules and boundaries. If she disagrees with those, she should move out.

Of course it’s her Dads house even if she pays rent it’s still his house. If she is unhappy she can move out.

The daughter owns the house with her father?

What’s the gf like as she may not have told her parents the truth about her cheating on your son and I think you need to step back from being so invested as they are young x

If she dislikes her dads rules then she can get her own place. Unless she's paying the bills, she isn't going to be an equal with which rules are or aren't allowed.

This - or are just bored with the drama of it all. OP writing a letter would not exactly help un-dramatise the situation either.

Perfectly normal phrase when I was growing up in SE London, too, but "getting off with" didn't necessarily (or usually) mean having sex with someone, more getting pissed and snogging / groping.

That's really not my perspective, or a universal one. DH and I set the rules for our household, including about guests, and pay and run it too. Obviously we take our sons (aged 19 and 10) into account too, and invite their views, opinions and theories, but it's our decision, not 19 yr old's. I'd be both puzzled and annoyed if DS1 invited anyone to stay overnight without asking (not telling) us first, but he never has done.
This isn't patriarchy, it's DH-and-me together, not DH laying down the law.
I grew up with a similar pattern - my parents wouldn't have been remotely happy at anyone turning up for meals, evenings over overnight without advance discussion, for any of their children. Some of my friends' homes were different, and my best mate's mother was never bothered if there were two extra random people around at dinner time, but many families don't work like that. It's neither vile nor patriarchal, just different.

"because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited" How can they be if they cheated on each other? This is one example of how toxic relationships start. The daughter's father is right.

I doubt your sons GF gave her dad the full story of her cheating, even if she did they're only 20, could be split up in 6 months, I wouldn't get invested

did they just snog other ppl?