To think my son’s girlfriend’s dad is vile?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My son and his gf are both 20 and have been together on and off for four years. During that time, they have split up twice. On both occasions, the split happened because they both got drunk, got off with other people, and didn’t tell each other. In other words, there was cheating on both sides.

They always end up getting back together, because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited, prefer each other to anybody else, and have a great time together.

Most recently, they got back together in October, decided that their previous transgressions were a sign that they were just young and not quite ready - but now they are older they want to make a proper commitment to each other, be faithful and stay together.

My view is: who knows whether that will work or not, but I’m certainly rooting for them and I hope they’re very happy together. My son’s girlfriend’s fathers view, however, is that my son is ‘a cheating weasel’ - and so between October and now, my son has not been allowed in his house (where the girlfriend lives). This means that my son and his girlfriend spend most of their time in my house, where they are both absolutely welcome. I cook the girlfriend endless meals, look after her when she’s ill, take her out for dinner when the whole family is going out. My attitude is that anyone my children love is welcome in home (within reason, obviously – I wouldn’t welcome a serial killer!!) and if my son holds no grudge for previous cheating (which would be a bit rich since he did the same!) then I certainly don’t either. It’s his home too and therefore up to him.

I honestly cannot understand how his girlfriend’s dad isn’t totally ashamed of himself, maintaining this position of not allowing my son in his house, when he knows we’ve welcomed his daughter back with open arms. I also cannot understand how the girlfriend’s mother can go along with this terrible policy. I’ve decided that if my son and his girlfriend ever split up, I’m going to write her parents a letter and tell them exactly what I think of them. I’ve also decided that neither her father or her mother are welcome in my house - not that this should ever be an issue!

Am I being unreasonable or is their behaviour abhorrent?

You need to mind your own business. Your son is 20 not 12.

As for would I ban the cheating boy/girlfriend? No, I wouldn't. My home is also my children's home and it is up to them to choose whether to forgive.

My job is to keep my sticky beak out, mouth closed and to support and listen whatever decisions they make.

I was going to say this, you don’t need to feed her, or look after her when she’s ill, and she doesn’t need to be at your house all the time-it’s not fair on other family members

Vile and abhorrent are too strong of a word that says more about you than it does him.

he doesn’t like your son, it is fine to not allow him in the house. Odds are that they will end up cheating on each other again soon and breaking up again.

Yes, OP write a letter to her parents. Maybe you could go round there and camp outside their house until they see sense and start welcoming your son with open arms - could that work? @SallyMcCarthy

Really though, it's entirely his loss. Sad for the daughter though. However, your son will be forever entangled with this person, even in this limited capacity. That will always be lurking on the periphery. My DB fell out with his in-laws and refused to speak to them because, like your DS's potential father in law, he couldn't put his big boy pants on and keep his gob shut. This created an untenable situation though because SIL was very involved in her parents lives. They DB and SIL split up in the end, for several reasons, DB being an awkward sod and her being a bit batshit tbh. Nevertheless, I doubt the animosity between them helped the relationship. He'll either grow up and act like an adult or he won't but there isn't anything you can do about it.

It’s nice to be liked OP so I understand why you are acting the way you are. But you are past the point where you need to ‘parent’ your son so I would take a big step back. You will veer into overbearing pretty quickly

You are way too involved in your adult child's life. Back off. Let him make his own decisions. He's 20. He's likely to have several more girlfriends before settling down.

I just wonder what you are trying to prove OP, and to whom you are trying to prove it.

That you are somehow the better parent

That you are more woke than her parents

That you are more open minded

That you have a more forgiving nature

That your sons happiness means more to you than their daughters happiness means to them

To be honest it sounds like an awful, toxic relationship and I wouldn't want my child (of either sex!!) to carry it on regardless of how many times they "forgive" each other.

I think it might be time for YOU to grow up and implement some rules and boundaries in your own home. Why are you cooking for her and nursing her when she's ill FFS? She should be at home when she's ill, not marinating your house with her germs.

How much time does she spend in your house? If she basically lives there then she/they needs to contribute to bills. If not, invent a rule of 3 over nights per week max. Perhaps some distance between the two of them will help them grow up a bit and see a different perspective on things.

Which is exactly the problem.

It's not up to the parents to be deciding what a 20 year old should or shouldn't be doing or to be encouraging or discouraging their relationships.

They might be young but they are adults and it is not for their parents to be making their decisions. The path you took might look different to the path they take, because they destination they are aiming for might be different. You might be 100% sure they are taking a wrong turn, but that is for them to work out.

I have some friends who met at 14, and now in their early 30s have paid off their entire mortgage and are happy homebodies, both working part-time whilst raising a lovely little family. They may not have looked like they were having fun when they were completing Masters qualifications and working 60+ hours a week in their 20s, but they are getting the pay off for that now.

Another friend lives an incredibly creative single life, jetting around the world designing costumes and sets for pantomimes, happily child-free and with a hundred projects going on at any one time.

They both took completely different routes because they wanted to get to completely different places.

Are you angry that somebody doesn’t like your son or are you resentful that they are always at yours and you feel obliged to feed them etc ?
Or is this about you cheating /forgiving cheating in your relationship(s) and thinking that cheaters should be forgiven?

They're 20 now and have broken up several times due to cheating. Presumably these events took place before they both turned 20 so they would have been teenagers.

Firstly, do you know for an absolute certainty this happened? Were you there to witness it, or were you told by your son or his gf?

Secondly, it seems a bit strange for them to apologise to their daughter's on/off 20 year old boyfriend. I mean, I could understand if they were living together or had kids but this seems pretty intense.

Thirdly, I think you need to get this in perspective. Your son and his gf are only 20 years old. They're still very young and their behaviour reflects that. You are taking this whole thing waay too seriously for your own good, or theirs.

There may be other reasons that they dislike your son, or think he’s bad for their daughter. They may have also disapproved of her cheating, but ultimately she’s their daughter, they love her and it makes sense they want her to be with someone who doesn’t cheat on her (yes I know she did the same- but perhaps this is a sign to them this relationship is just not right for either of them). Of course, it’s up to the adults here to decide that- but it’s the father’s choice who he does and doesn’t let into his house.

I agree that the father isn’t doing himself or his daughter any favours here, OP. But your reaction is very extreme. Describing him as “vile” and talking about his “terrible policy” and “abhorrent behaviour” - you’re making him sound like an abuser.

I’m glad to see you’ve abandoned the letter idea, but the fact that you were even thinking about having your “Ha! I’ll show HIM!” moment if your son and his girlfriend split suggests you’re not rooting for them as much as you think. Otherwise why start planning for a split that hasn’t happened yet? Also, if they’ve already been on and off once, they could be again - and you’d feel a complete fool if you wrote that letter only for them to reunite a few weeks later.

I would still give the side eye to the boys who bullied my eldest ten years ago so I probably wouldn't want someone who had caused my child distress in the house.

I also wouldn't want the drama around my other children.

And I would want to keep my distance from it myself.

I think it's fine for parents to decide who is welcome in their home or not.

We get about 90 minutes to ourselves on weekday evenings. I would want to protect the whole family's peace.

Cheating is cheating, however old you are!

I wouldn't ban the boyfriend from my house in this situation but I wouldn't be overly encouraging and supporting the relationship either. They've both cheated on each other twice and split up twice. I don't think that bodes well.

You've said yourself they'd rather be with each other than anyone else but given the history, it sounds like they are both casting around to see what the other options are and sooner or later one of them will find someone else they prefer.

You are way over involved.

I would be unlikely to offer everything you have to a cheating partner of my DC if I'm honest. I would be unlikely to ban them from my home but I would not be particularly warm towards them. I would also be hoping that my DC left the person.

As a parent to a DD, I would be more concerned about her being with a cheat than my DS long-term. If a female ends up getting cheated on following marriage or DC then she is often in a more vulnerable position than a male. They probably think that their DD can do better and hope that she will date more men before settling down.

Send them a food bill.

"got off with"

Eugh. What a horrible way to speak about your own child....

All parents are way too invested in this relationship – your son's girlfriend's parents apologised to him for her cheating?! Everyone needs to back the hell off here!

I hear what you’re saying. It’s unfair isn’t it? You’ve allowed her back in and yet they can’t. Don’t give it too much energy. I’d rather my son be at mine away from the mean parents anyway.

A cheating partner wouldn't be made welcome in my house no.

Where I am ( Scotland ) this is a perfectly normal way of describing what took place.