To think DH should provide childcare during my medical appointment?

[Pogeatsalltheburgers]

I have a minor medical procedure tomorrow. It was the only date and time they had, due to someone else's cancellation. They gave me the appointment this afternoon so no time to plan. It's not a complete emergency but the problem could get worse if left. So I did not want to refuse the appointment.
I have a 9mo baby.
AIBU to think my DH should take a couple of hours off work to hold the baby whilst I have the procedure?
Unfortunately i have no one else who can help.
My DH works in the community in this area so drives around for work.
I know he'd make it work if the appointment was his but he's saying to me 'that's not enough notice, I might not be able to do it' etc and got quite cross with me.
From my perspective he could easily sort things out so he could be there to help me. He's whinging on about how he will have to finish late if he does it and it's made me quite angry tbh...
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to rearrange his work day to be there for a couple of hours? I will not be able to have the procedure done if no one can hold the baby.

@Codlingmoths
What a ridiculous comment, as per PP does she abandon her lifesaving job to hold a baby for her DP to have a 5 min procedure?
What a self centred selfish attitude, we've had babies for millennia and never needed the level of attention you see demanded now.
All these women demanding their DH serves their every demand/whim clearly have never imagined being a single parent!

I'm really surprised by these responses. It is totally not unreasonable to ask him to come to this clinic for half an hour. Many hospitals etc here will not allow babies/children at appointments never mind during any procedure....so you might want to check.
I'd be more concerned by his inflexibility, you presumably have several children so don't they need picked up from school occasionally or taken to appointments? Does every single thing fall to you ? Because that is really unfair and unsustainable. It is surely time he reevaluates his time and tries to create even a little flexibility. He seems to want to give 100% to job but a lot less to family. Everyone is utterly irreplaceable at work.

What a self centred selfish attitude, we've had babies for millennia and never needed the level of attention you see demanded now

Men have also been having babies for millenia. It's just now, they are expected to actually be a parent too. Radical I know

And yet if you couldn't get to work one day, or had to go home early, they'd manage. Someone else would have to resuscitate wouldn't they?

Just to update:
I had it done. DH managed to get there. All fine.
I did try our babysitter but she wasn't available and she let me know early this morning.
DH did not have to cancel any appointments as they arrange his schedule with him at the start of the day. Rarely he does have advance arrangements but he did not have any today. All it means is he's taken an hour or so out of work so will have to catch up later making his working day longer.
Thanks for everyone's advice.
I think he was just stressed at the sudden nature of the appointment and having to arrange his day around it with a heavy workload. He was completely fine about it today and apologised for getting agitated yesterday.

Leave the house before he leaves for work. He’ll have no choice then.

Ah bugger just seen update, glad all well

Good update. And now he has done it, if it ever arises again, this can be used as an example of how it worked for you.

Just to clarify his job role does not work like that. He will hardly ever have appointments that are booked more than 24hrs in advance.. mostly he will see people on the day they are taken on or if there needs to be a review or discharge but sometimes he doesn't need to see the person at all face to face. Appointments will always be attended by RMNs and he would join them if needed. So there is a lot of flexibility for him.. but also a lot of work.
No one will have had their appointment cancelled for him to attend my appointment. Even if he had said he would attend an appointment in advance (which is not yhe case today), and he did not end up attending, the appointment would still go ahead without him and hed just have to join another one. It just means more work for him to get through.

I would never have asked him if it was the case that I knew he'd have to let patients down. I also work for the NHS.

Exactly this! I’d be re thinking my marriage if my DH was like this!

as you can see, he has indeed ‘abandoned’ his job for an hour or two to be needed care for his child. No one died. All appts were managed. Some of us are unsurprised. Some others on this thread are probably disappointed no one died based on how vituperatively they’ve attacked the idea that a man leave his healthcare job for a couple of hours for his wife and child.

i expect single parents have it very very hard. If I had to act like a single parent while married then I would be single as what is the fucking point of a husband if you have to stagger through life like they don’t exist?

women always needed support, it was just expected that the mum aunt sister friend neighbour gave it. The op would have left their baby with a neighbour and gone. Society doesn’t work like that nowadays and that support expectation falls more on the partner, aided by laws on personal leave. You can start another thread if you really want to understand more about how things have changed since the 1600s but clearly there are women out there still happy to clap other women in the stocks and throw rotten tomatoes at them for daring to expect something of their husband so that hasn’t changed in a half millennium unfortunately.

If he runs through his schedule for the day before he even starts seeing patients, he could say to his colleagues "I am unavailable from 8am to noon today so you'll have to schedule patients for another day"
He doesn't or shouldn't have to work later in the day to catch up. He just postpones whatever meetings/appointments people have to another day.

He very much doesn't see you as an equal partner in this relationship even when he does move stuff around to accommodate your medical appointments. What on earth would he do if you had an appointment in one location and your child was ill and had another appointment at the same time in a different location/hospital/treatment centre? He is going to have to change how he sees you, his child, and his work and whether they are all given an equal footing or if family comes before work, irrespective of how inconvenient it might be at the time.

I'm still saying that he hasn't emerged from this situation smelling of roses...more like what you put on the roses to help them grow.

Interesting, as what I see is quite the opposite: women asking if it's reasonable for their partner and their kids' father to do such and such, and being told 'noooo! He is a MAN and therefore his BIG MAN JOB must come ahead of everything, or do you want to be homeless on the streets?' even where it's some bloke wfh doing digital marketing and she just wants him to commit to coming off the pc for 7pm one night.

He needs to have a sea-shift change in his attitude. My DH works for the NHs so I get it re the 'guilt' but there will always, but always, be more work, it's never 'done', and he's on a hiding to nothing (or rather, to complete burn out) if he keeps up this mentality that work always always comes first and he can never expect any flexibility from work when it doesn't work the other way around. You're a family, and yes work is very important, but his health, your health, and your family's health is vastly more important. Life happens, and sometimes it happens within one's working hours. That's what emergency dependent's leave is for. By the same token, you could be ill - ie really properly ill in bed and equally unable to look after your baby and he would have to take time off work at little to no notice for that - that's just life and if it means working later in the evening, again, that's just life for many jobs.

Oh and just for perspective, I recently spent a day in A&E. I wasn't in any serious danger or anything like that, but I was in some pain (controlled by painkillers) - nothing seriously ominous from a worrying perspective (ie we knew what I'd done, I'd slipped over so just a case of waiting for the scans as to whether anything fractured or just massively bruised and swollen, knew there wasn't going to be anything more concerning than that) - my DH didn't hesitate for a second, as far as he was concerned he was taking the whole day off just to sit with me, get me snacks and magazines, just generally support me. I didn't actually require this (and so wouldn't have asked him to take the whole day off albeit I did need driving), he was just being kind and supportive because he loves me, we're a team, it's what you do!

It's good that he apologised for being a dickhead, but I'd be having a serious chat with him. The only way that was his initial response was if he is fundamentally sexist and doesn't think he bears equal responsibility for his children as you do.

I genuinely don't think he thought about it like that. I think he just had a knee jerk stressed response. He hasn't been in his role long and had to work very hard to get there. There's a lot going on for him at the moment and has been the past few years.
None of that excuses him being angry when I initially asked him. But I don't think it's a case of him being sexist. He did apologise.
His job does take priority as its what keeps a roof over our heads. It's not sexist to acknowledge that. I was a SAHM for 8 years before I got my current job. This baby was not planned (altho very much welcomed and loved) and i had returned to work as my youngest had started nursery. I like my job and did not want to leave so I am returning this time and he will have to step up with childcare. He has already had to ask for some accommodation at work due to that. Just as he has moved into this new role which he fought for. So it's a big change and very stressful. We werent really set up well to be dealing with a baby at this stage in our lives. It was a shock. I do have sympathy for him. I only earn a fraction of what he does and although my job is important to me personally, I understand if push comes to shove, it's his we have to prioritise. He's always been supportive of me. But he was wrong to react as he did in the moment so I'm glad he apologised and turned up for me.

@Whoarethoseguys what I'm saying is that in some jobs you can't take time off unless an absolute emergency. What the OP described would not be classed as an absolute emergency. It's an appointment that could be booked in advance and planned for.
If my partner had a parole hearing he cannot take time off, same as if I was in court for my job role.

I wouldn’t expect to see the same obstetrician for my appointments as I would for giving birth, for obvious reasons. I think it’s a nice idea to think everyone can drop their work commitments when their spouse clicks their fingers but in the real world sometimes work is more important. It really depends on what the work is and what the medical procedure is.

Of course he should take time off work to look after his own child whilst you are at an appointment.

I recently had an injury, my partner had to leave work early that day and has had to cut his days short 3 times for my follow up appointments. That is just life when you have children!

He's not providing child care he's being a parent

I think if I had a busy day planned at work and then hubby announced he suddenly had an appointment I think my first instinct would be to be a bit pissed off that he hadnt thought to checkin first. Of course I would do it, without hesitation but I would have appreciated a ‘look I’ve been offered an appointment for tomorrow I’m keen to take it etce etc’ if you did this then fair enough.

Never ceases to amaze quite how bloody useless some men are.
Good luck with your op 🌺

Yeap,

Men can struggle to fit in the « care for partner », he absolutely can except if on shift and manager has no one else?

Good luck 🌺

He is NOT doing you a favour, looking after his own child!! Of course he needs to rearrange his work schedule for child care!