To think DH should provide childcare during my medical appointment?

[Pogeatsalltheburgers]

I have a minor medical procedure tomorrow. It was the only date and time they had, due to someone else's cancellation. They gave me the appointment this afternoon so no time to plan. It's not a complete emergency but the problem could get worse if left. So I did not want to refuse the appointment.
I have a 9mo baby.
AIBU to think my DH should take a couple of hours off work to hold the baby whilst I have the procedure?
Unfortunately i have no one else who can help.
My DH works in the community in this area so drives around for work.
I know he'd make it work if the appointment was his but he's saying to me 'that's not enough notice, I might not be able to do it' etc and got quite cross with me.
From my perspective he could easily sort things out so he could be there to help me. He's whinging on about how he will have to finish late if he does it and it's made me quite angry tbh...
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to rearrange his work day to be there for a couple of hours? I will not be able to have the procedure done if no one can hold the baby.

Oh dear. Of course he should take time off to look after his child if the normal child care (ie you) has fallen through for a good reason. This is a good reason and his contract will allow it. I hope he sees sense. Good luck tomorrow.

OP said it could become one if not treated. Then he'll have zero notice that he needs to look after his child, instead of time to let people know and rearrange like he has now. Does she have to wait till she's being blue lighted to hospital to get him to help?

Yanbu but it is not childcare

Exactly. If the OP had, for instance, been admitted to hospital with a heart attack, he would have no choice but to cover. But this sounds like she leapt at having a non urgent appointment brought forward into a cancellation slot, without considering childcare. That's not an emergency to cancel patients for.

OP also said it'd mean he'd have to work from home in the evening to catch up. That doesn't sound like it's patient appointments or operations to me, unless psychiatric appointments are now done on Teams/Zoom in the evenings. It sounds like other work tasks he can displace until later in the day, after standard working hours. He's just whining about it because he's used to always being able to put the job first and OP being human is getting in the way of that.

I was feeling umbrage at him and sympathy for you until I read this. Come on, the baby is nine months old. No harm will come to it being watched by a sitter for a few hours.

My god, I was babysitting newborns, at night, at age 14, when their parents went out to the pub. And that was pre cellphone days, in the 1970s. Sometimes both a newborn and toddler to feed and get to bed. Surely you can find someone who can hold the baby for a couple of hours without traumatising it!

What is it these days with parents' phobias of babysitters? I don't even remember if we knew the names of the girls/young women who sat with us when we were small, and our parents were the protective type! And then as I entered my teens, I'd get calls from strangers in the neighbourhood who heard about me via word of mouth, and off I'd go to watch their babies.

It's healthier for your child if he/she has a relationship with others, rather than just mother and father, by this age. Why, it must be nearly walking!

And I'll tell him to go halves on paying her if she is!!

So, hang on. He’s the higher earner, you work PT to take care of the kids and - somehow - looking after his own child while you have a medical procedure is a ‘favour’ he’d be doing ‘for you’…but your finances aren’t even joint?

Erm, WTF?!

I understand what you mean but this isn't really how his job works. He doesn't have booked appointments. Timings are discussed at the beginning of the day. He will have a list of assessments, medication reviews, discharges etc.. it's up to the team to decide together how that's structured. Things will come in during the day that may take priority and cause everything to be moved about constantly. There will be people he has to see in person and people he doesn't.
No one will be sat sadly waiting for him at 3pm. He won't be seeing any patient alone. It's more he would tag along to a visit arranged by other staff if he needed to see a patient face to face. So there's a lot of flexibility with the timings of that.
The RMNs will be the ones mostly interacting with patients.

It's stressful for him because it increases his workload and prolongs his working day, if he takes an hour or so out at any point.. but no patients are going to be sat there waiting for him that's not how it works.

I guess my issue is that other professions are socially allowed to want decent work-life balance, but then some have this expectation that HCP are to put patients before everyone and everything else (I'm not an HCP nor anything similar).

If OP turns it down, is she likely to wait a couple weeks for next available appointment, or another 6 months? how much worse will it get in that time? Is it v painful, or making life harder?

Do you not have a friend who can come to the appointment with you and hold your baby? Someone else who also has a baby and could sit in the hospital cafe with theirs and your baby? I would happily do this for a friend.

I haven't slunk away! I have 3 children one of whom is a baby.. I can't sit on mumsnet 24/7!

If you can't rely on him in a situation like this, he is not your partner, not your friends, not a good husband and not a good person.

Everyone has the right to emergency leave to cover a family situation like this. It is not difficult. The only reason for him not to do it is if he is an arsehole.

I couldn't imagine staying married to such an awful person.

I have to get some sleep now (in case anyone accuses me of slinking off 🤣)

I have texted the babysitter we use for our older children so hopefully she is available.
My husband has said he will try and sort it if not.

Thankyou for all the helpful replies.
There have been some extreme replies too...
My DH is a good man and he does have a stressful job which obviously he has to take very seriously. So I do understand it's hard for him.
From my perspective I just want to get this out of the way though.
Here's hoping we have a solution.
Obviously if it's too busy for him and he can't make time, and the babysitter isnt available, then I'll just have to cancel my appointment. But he has told me he will try and help.

I agree he should be more concerned, but if I were a fulltime HCP married to a part-time worker who couldn't figure out a way to get a near-toddler cared for for a couple of hours during the work day, I'd be a bit grumpy, too.

There should be plans in place for child sitting before the need arises. It's not as though they need someone to care for the child for the weekend, it's two hours. There are nurseries, nannies for hire, church groups that could probably recommend someone, neighbours, etc etc.

Honestly, in this case, I'd just do what I suggested previously with having baby in a buggy. The worst case is she cries during the appointment, but take things for her, some toys etc, even a snack or something to occupy her so that you can focus on the procedure.

ETA just seen your latest update, don't be cancelling it!! Just take baby!

You’re still characterising this as ‘help’ and it’s freaking me out. Looking after his child so that you can have a medical procedure is not him ‘helping’ you.

FGS OP don't be such a doormat!
He needs to step up and take the baby. This is a medical procedure, not a nail appointment!
And reassess your relationship! He can't be that marvellous.

Ynbu

You are already getting to and from the appointment yourself, without a car. Not saying it will be easy for him to fit in at short notice, but sometimes life takes over and has go be accommodated for. It is part of being a parent and takes both parents to work as a team to support each other.

Several years ago we were due to have a cardiac appointment with out daughter. We had both booked time off work (parking isn't great at the hospital and it meant one could take her in whilst the other found a space of we needed to). We had picked our daughter up from school.

Got to the appointment to find it had been cancelled. The consultant's wife had gone into labour early, so he started paternity leave earlier than expected. They had left a message on our home answer machine, but we had left by then.

I wouldn't have expected anything different- he had patients scheduled for that day, but other events took over, that were more of a priority for him. Yes, we were impacted by it, others would have been too, but it couldn't be helped.

Jeez, don't cancel it!! Unless are you planning to guilt trip him for months/years ago so he'll provide you with endless diamonds/money/a massive work attitude change 😈

To be honest I would be getting up before him and taking the car and leaving the baby with him in this case! Then I’d go and sit in a coffee shop until the appointment.

It’s his child and he’s not doing you a favour. It’s called parenting.

Ah OP I hope it goes well tomorrow. I don’t think anyone is wrong here and can see both sides.

To those playing along…

1. On the OP’s comments I’m sure he’s fine taking ting the time if could be planned out a little further. It will likely be a pain in the ass to work out last minute which explains the annoyance
2. ‘He does sound like he’s a little over conscientious about work but also understandable considering his line of work
3. it was last minute! Sorry but not everyone can drop work at the last minute.
4. Yes, it is best the OP gets in and takes care of whatever it is now when she has the chance. But let’s be real, if the OP had something going on that made this not ideal she wouldn’t have taken the appointment either.

I’ve been on both sides of something similar… I know my DH can’t easily take time off at the last minute and he’s surprised me with his dr appointments that he needs me to go with. It’s not easy in certain jobs. (Yes I may have one of those very important man jobs even though I’m not a man).

Everybody has to drop work last minute at some point in their lives. By refusing to do it for his wife his saying she is less important than him. Which does not make for a healthy loving marriage. I have an important job too- wirh 3 dc dh and i have to support each other to take time off when needed. none of our dc have ever been thoughtful enough to give us 48 hours notice for an illness or accident.

Whatever happened to work ethic?

If OP is responsible for childcare while her spouse brings home the majority of the income, it's up to her to manage. She's not having cardiac surgery, she's having a mole removed, or similar.

Babysitters exist for this reason. The casual way some people are saying a licensed professional HCP can just drop work certainly explains a lot about today's work force.

I didn’t say cancerous as it’s probably not. So not an emergency. She doesn’t say what it is- it might not be an emergency but it might relieve pain. It might be fitting a pessary for a prolapse to give her back better quality of life. These are non emergency appts that a marriage should very much prioritise. Preventative healthcare is the best healthcare. My dermatologist appts are not an emergency, but I could take a sudden opening or book the next available appt which will be 5 months away, and my dh would support me to take an opening if it came up,as my skin condition will worsen while I wait. It is very common to have non emergency conditions that worsen with delayed treatment.

She’s said that won’t happen. It won’t be more convenient any other work day of his, she said if she doesn’t take this next time one comes up they’ll call and say we have an appt tomorrow or the day after in the same way as this time and he can start humphing and groaning again. So I guess she has to wait until it’s cancer to justify going, according to a lot of posters here.