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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should provide childcare during my medical appointment?

251 replies

Pogeatsalltheburgers · 06/01/2025 20:48

I have a minor medical procedure tomorrow. It was the only date and time they had, due to someone else's cancellation. They gave me the appointment this afternoon so no time to plan. It's not a complete emergency but the problem could get worse if left. So I did not want to refuse the appointment.
I have a 9mo baby.
AIBU to think my DH should take a couple of hours off work to hold the baby whilst I have the procedure?
Unfortunately i have no one else who can help.
My DH works in the community in this area so drives around for work.
I know he'd make it work if the appointment was his but he's saying to me 'that's not enough notice, I might not be able to do it' etc and got quite cross with me.
From my perspective he could easily sort things out so he could be there to help me. He's whinging on about how he will have to finish late if he does it and it's made me quite angry tbh...
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to rearrange his work day to be there for a couple of hours? I will not be able to have the procedure done if no one can hold the baby.

OP posts:
ttcat37 · 07/01/2025 03:48

Codlingmoths · 07/01/2025 02:05

I didn’t say cancerous as it’s probably not. So not an emergency. She doesn’t say what it is- it might not be an emergency but it might relieve pain. It might be fitting a pessary for a prolapse to give her back better quality of life. These are non emergency appts that a marriage should very much prioritise. Preventative healthcare is the best healthcare. My dermatologist appts are not an emergency, but I could take a sudden opening or book the next available appt which will be 5 months away, and my dh would support me to take an opening if it came up,as my skin condition will worsen while I wait. It is very common to have non emergency conditions that worsen with delayed treatment.

Show quote history

What about a psychiatrist appointment? Would your psychiatrist cancelling with less than 24 hrs notice make your medical condition worse?

flyingfar · 07/01/2025 04:09

ttcat37 · 07/01/2025 03:48

What about a psychiatrist appointment? Would your psychiatrist cancelling with less than 24 hrs notice make your medical condition worse?

Show quote history

OP has explained that there will not be patients having appointments cancelled.

nodramaplz · 07/01/2025 04:36

He's got two choices.
Either take couple of hours now, off a lot more later if you miss the appointment and things get worse.

Supperlite · 07/01/2025 07:09

Pogeatsalltheburgers · 06/01/2025 23:47

I have to get some sleep now (in case anyone accuses me of slinking off 🤣)

I have texted the babysitter we use for our older children so hopefully she is available.
My husband has said he will try and sort it if not.

Thankyou for all the helpful replies.
There have been some extreme replies too...
My DH is a good man and he does have a stressful job which obviously he has to take very seriously. So I do understand it's hard for him.
From my perspective I just want to get this out of the way though.
Here's hoping we have a solution.
Obviously if it's too busy for him and he can't make time, and the babysitter isnt available, then I'll just have to cancel my appointment. But he has told me he will try and help.

OP, everyone has a stressful job. My DH and I have stressful jobs with long hours and high responsibility. But family comes first and when we forget that we get a sharp talking to by way of reminder. Your DH has his priorities totally wrong if he cant even manage an hour of his day to help his DW and DD, particularly as it actually sounds like his job is very flexible! He needs a sense check, I am afraid. Good luck with your procedure today.

Cupofcoffeee · 07/01/2025 07:34

Pogeatsalltheburgers · 06/01/2025 21:18

He is a psychiatrist but he should be able to arrange his day to fit this in. It's just he will then have to spend the evening working at home too.
Granted there is more pressure in this job than there might be in others. Because yes it's important he sees the patients he has to in a certain time frame... but he does have some say in the exact timings of that.
I'm only asking for him to have the baby for a couple of hours. He will be in the area anyway.
I do understand that it's more stressful than some other jobs. When he has to ask to take time off there will be guilt and pressure. There's a heavy case load and any unexpected time out he takes just makes the job harder as it won't be taken up by someone else.. he will have to somehow do it at another time.
So I do understand why he is stressed but I still think he should just do this so I can get this procedure over with.

He's a doctor so it won't be easy for him to take time off work without advanced notice. Would your family be helpful (in future) if you moved closer to where they live? Hopefully the babysitter you've contacted is available.

SnoopysHoose · 07/01/2025 07:46

The removal of something, maybe a wart, skin tag etc ?
Tbh I really think it's all a bit dramatic, the baby can be in the pram no need for them to be 'held', many mums have to do this.

JimHalpertsWife · 07/01/2025 07:49

SnoopysHoose · 07/01/2025 07:46

The removal of something, maybe a wart, skin tag etc ?
Tbh I really think it's all a bit dramatic, the baby can be in the pram no need for them to be 'held', many mums have to do this.

Always mums having to do this. You literally never hear of dad's having to take their baby to medical appointments or shush them in a stroller while they get their hair cut or worry about them screaming during eye tests. It's only ever women who do or are expected to do this.

Similarly you never hear of a woman who point blank refuses to adjust her work for a couple of hours once a year to "look after" her own child. It's never "she has a really important job so can't do it". It's expected, and if she ever did decline, would be judged harshly for it.

Cupofcoffeee · 07/01/2025 07:51

SnoopysHoose · 07/01/2025 07:46

The removal of something, maybe a wart, skin tag etc ?
Tbh I really think it's all a bit dramatic, the baby can be in the pram no need for them to be 'held', many mums have to do this.

Unless it's a gynaecology appointment and she's having something removed eg fibroid. If it's cosmetic then I think op can wait. If it's a gynaecology appointment then I understand why she would take up a last minute appointment.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 07/01/2025 08:03

Pogeatsalltheburgers · 06/01/2025 21:29

Well it's during his workday. I wouldn't normally think of him looking after the kids as childcare.. but this would be him taking time out of his workday to do me a favour.

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It's still parenting though, not childcare! It's NEVER 'doing you a favour'.

SnoopysHoose · 07/01/2025 08:07

@JimHalpertsWife
My point is the OP has herself said 'I can't hold baby he needs to hold her' again baby can be in the pram, it's a massive unneccessary drama for what sounds like 5/10 minutes to 'hold a baby'

DoloresODonovan · 07/01/2025 08:51

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/01/2025 01:43

Whatever happened to work ethic?

If OP is responsible for childcare while her spouse brings home the majority of the income, it's up to her to manage. She's not having cardiac surgery, she's having a mole removed, or similar.

Babysitters exist for this reason. The casual way some people are saying a licensed professional HCP can just drop work certainly explains a lot about today's work force.

@BettyBardMacDonald - yes indeed

SnoopysHoose · 07/01/2025 08:55

@BettyBardMacDonald
The thing on MN seems to be 'I had a BABY' cannot possibly manage on their own (millions do) it needs 2 ppl to put a bay to bed/bath, all life should cease; no hobbies, no nights out, every spare minute is 'family time' no wonder so many marriages end with all this bleating and whinging.

Codlingmoths · 07/01/2025 08:58

ttcat37 · 07/01/2025 03:48

What about a psychiatrist appointment? Would your psychiatrist cancelling with less than 24 hrs notice make your medical condition worse?

Show quote history

They are human- I’m not dim enough not to realise the doctors aren’t human! My obstetrician was obviously not guaranteed available when I go into labour, is this not obvious? His most serious duty is to his wife and children. His job won’t be there for him when he’s old, his patients and his managers won’t be a daily support if her condition worsens. I’ve had calls rescheduling appts that are being cancelled on the day, hasn’t everyone??

Whoarethoseguys · 07/01/2025 09:08

supersonicginandtonic · 06/01/2025 21:01

What's his job? My partner or myself would not be able to take leave at such short notice unless it was an absolute emergency.

It is an emergency she is having an operation. She can't have the operation unless her husband is there for the baby whole the operation takes place. If she doesn't have the operation yet conditions will worsen.
Employees have to give people time off in these circumstances

Timetochillnow · 07/01/2025 09:12

PeterPipersPepper · 06/01/2025 22:53

I’m so surprised at the majority of these responses! I would not expect my husband to do this for me - in the particular circumstances outlined by the OP - and neither would I expect to do it for him. I would expect that we would find an appointment that was more convenient. It is not an emergency and your husband is essential to his patients.

Totally agree with this. Sounds lucky to be offered a cancellation but as it’s not urgent wait for a booked appointment so plans can be made.

OP how does he normally react to changes to his schedules?

Codlingmoths · 07/01/2025 09:13

SnoopysHoose · 07/01/2025 07:46

The removal of something, maybe a wart, skin tag etc ?
Tbh I really think it's all a bit dramatic, the baby can be in the pram no need for them to be 'held', many mums have to do this.

I can’t get uvb therapy at the dermatologists with a baby. The first few sessions when you start again you are literally in the machine for 20 or 30 seconds, and you are in no way affected health wise, but they wouldn’t do it if I had a baby with me. I can see that being the case for many procedures as when they are more invasive/surgical than my treatment , no matter how minor, you can never quite know how the patient will go, as well as it isn’t the health care practitioners job to look after the baby during the procedure. Funny people think it might be the ops hcp job to look after the baby for a few minutes but the hcp husband and baby’s father shouldn’t have to.

Whoarethoseguys · 07/01/2025 09:22

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/01/2025 01:43

Whatever happened to work ethic?

If OP is responsible for childcare while her spouse brings home the majority of the income, it's up to her to manage. She's not having cardiac surgery, she's having a mole removed, or similar.

Babysitters exist for this reason. The casual way some people are saying a licensed professional HCP can just drop work certainly explains a lot about today's work force.

As OP has explained several times it is not dropping work. It is rearranging his day which will be annoying for him but it's possible. No patients will be waiting for him and no appointments will be missed. He has a responsibility to his wife and children as well as to his job and he can do borh
If OP doesn't have the procedure now the issue may become more serious. It is in her interests and the interests of the NHS for the procedure to take place now.

LookItsMeAgain · 07/01/2025 09:29

@Pogeatsalltheburgers - you wrote "He's acting like this is all some nonsense.. and it's off the back of him having to change his hours to fit in with me going back to work after maternity leave. So he's being angry about 'taking the piss with his job'"

The answer that you need to repeat back to him "No, this is what it means to be a parent. You know? I'm the mother, you're the father - we're the parents. I know I'm definitely doing my bit so exactly what is it that you're doing to be the parent here??"

Put the ball squarely back in his court. He cannot shirk his responsibility. He could take a Force Majeure day off as he would be the only person available at short noticed to look after his child while you have your medical treatment.

LookItsMeAgain · 07/01/2025 09:38

He's a psychiatrist and he doesn't understand how by him not stepping up and rescheduling appointments would be upsetting to his ill wife???

He's just a prince amongst men isn't he!!!

JimHalpertsWife · 07/01/2025 10:03

SnoopysHoose · 07/01/2025 08:07

@JimHalpertsWife
My point is the OP has herself said 'I can't hold baby he needs to hold her' again baby can be in the pram, it's a massive unneccessary drama for what sounds like 5/10 minutes to 'hold a baby'

Depends what the procedure is. If its gynea (eg taking a sample of some questionable cells), can you even imagine being able to relax enough with a baby under your watch in order for the cervix to be compliant?

JimHalpertsWife · 07/01/2025 10:04

I guarantee any women he works with who have children or caring responsibilities will have had to rearrange their day at short notice for their kids.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/01/2025 10:09

JimHalpertsWife · 07/01/2025 10:04

I guarantee any women he works with who have children or caring responsibilities will have had to rearrange their day at short notice for their kids.

Absolutely. Even those on exactly the same level.

We have such lower expectations for fathers than for mothers, the op herself seems to genuinely think her dh is the best you can expect.

All we can do as a society is to raise our children, daughters to expect their spouse to contribute equally, and sons to do so.

MissTrip82 · 07/01/2025 10:17

Codlingmoths · 07/01/2025 08:58

They are human- I’m not dim enough not to realise the doctors aren’t human! My obstetrician was obviously not guaranteed available when I go into labour, is this not obvious? His most serious duty is to his wife and children. His job won’t be there for him when he’s old, his patients and his managers won’t be a daily support if her condition worsens. I’ve had calls rescheduling appts that are being cancelled on the day, hasn’t everyone??

Show quote history

I resuscitate people for a living. I guess my job won’t be there for me when I’m old…..but there are people who will get to be old with their families because I turned up.

We both do the same job and neither could take leave for this. The day your kid is helicoptered to my hospital is the day you understand why.

cooldarkroom · 07/01/2025 10:25

He'd need to find time even if it was next month.
What does he want to happen, for your health problem to get worse ?

So basically Suck it up Dude

ChristmasKelpie · 07/01/2025 10:30

Childcare is a Nursery or childminder, he is the baby's Father and needs to look after his child. This is a pattern for the rest of your life together, he see's his child as women's work and i bet he is the same with housework. Good luck, you will need it.