To think DH should provide childcare during my medical appointment?

[Pogeatsalltheburgers]

I have a minor medical procedure tomorrow. It was the only date and time they had, due to someone else's cancellation. They gave me the appointment this afternoon so no time to plan. It's not a complete emergency but the problem could get worse if left. So I did not want to refuse the appointment.
I have a 9mo baby.
AIBU to think my DH should take a couple of hours off work to hold the baby whilst I have the procedure?
Unfortunately i have no one else who can help.
My DH works in the community in this area so drives around for work.
I know he'd make it work if the appointment was his but he's saying to me 'that's not enough notice, I might not be able to do it' etc and got quite cross with me.
From my perspective he could easily sort things out so he could be there to help me. He's whinging on about how he will have to finish late if he does it and it's made me quite angry tbh...
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to rearrange his work day to be there for a couple of hours? I will not be able to have the procedure done if no one can hold the baby.

Depends on his job. Some jobs people could literally die if you just don't turn up. Others, no big deal.

Unfortunately i can't just drop the baby at his work because he will be driving about all day.. there is an office but it's 30 mins in the wrong direction for my medical appointment and I'll be on public transport as he has the car for work!
So no chance of that.
I just want him to stop by at the place I'm having the appointment, to hold the baby whilst the procedure is done. Then he can go on his merry way again.
He covers this whole area anyway.
He will have a schedule but he has some say in that so could make effort to arrange things so he's there for me.

Wow I didn't even realise it was just a "pop in and hold the baby"

YANBU

he's being a dick.

It's hard to say without knowing exact details of his job and how urgent your surgery is.
I assume if it was planned and he had notice of the date then he would be less angry about it.
I think that it has been sprung on him and he now has to take time off, cancel other appointments (guessing here as I don't know the job) is quite inconvenient along with having to explain it to his boss. Not all companies are good at giving time off, especially short notice unless it really is life or death.
It sounds great that you got lucky with someone cancelling their op, but this does make it hard to make arrangements if things can't be dropped instantly.

Tell him to book and pay for an emergency nanny if he feels unable to care for his own child.

If your baby was at nursery and had an excludable illness, you'd both find yourselves taking time off with very little notice - sometimes work and parenting clash and it can't be avoided.

Ask him what's more important, his wife and mother of his child's health, or his work? As mentioned above, there will be times when he isnt given the grace of notice.

He's got one opportunity to show you his priorities and if he chooses work you know your place and I'd be mirroring by his example.

None of his household tasks getting done by me in the near future. You want your washing done? better call at the laundry while on your route. Want some dinner? better call at the supermarket while on route. Petty, yes.

He is a psychiatrist but he should be able to arrange his day to fit this in. It's just he will then have to spend the evening working at home too.
Granted there is more pressure in this job than there might be in others. Because yes it's important he sees the patients he has to in a certain time frame... but he does have some say in the exact timings of that.
I'm only asking for him to have the baby for a couple of hours. He will be in the area anyway.
I do understand that it's more stressful than some other jobs. When he has to ask to take time off there will be guilt and pressure. There's a heavy case load and any unexpected time out he takes just makes the job harder as it won't be taken up by someone else.. he will have to somehow do it at another time.
So I do understand why he is stressed but I still think he should just do this so I can get this procedure over with.

It’s a one off ffs he needs to get a grip. I would do it if I lived next door to you it’s not a big deal.

I would if it were one of the older children, but our baby is only 9months and has never been left with anyone but either of us before.
Sadly we do not have any family nearby

The bar is so low for men. If you think this is even an acceptable situation, you need to give your head a wobble.
It's his child. You aren't asking for childcare, you're expecting him to parent his child. I'm embarrassed for him that he thinks it's ok to treat his wife and mother of his child this way, like an inconvenience or problem.

Then why are referring to it as childcare? It's parenting.

Well it's during his workday. I wouldn't normally think of him looking after the kids as childcare.. but this would be him taking time out of his workday to do me a favour.

Do you a favour??!!

I think he needs to be reminded of his priorities (especially ironic given his role in the NHS): his wife as a patient, then his patients. Also, health first, then job, then the rest.

He’s got it upside down and back to front, like many, many men who can’t think beyond themselves. I understand being inconvenienced at short notice: tell him to write a strongly worded letter to the trust he works for.

YANBU, he's being a dick. But as he's being so difficult, is there anyway you can just have baby in a buggy with you at the appointment? I used to take my children with me to medical appointments, and the Dr. would just pull the curtain so they couldn't watch. Although, I appreciate, depending on the procedure, this may not be possible.

If someone asked me to rearrange my community based job last minute for a non-vital reason it would be a massive headache. I often don’t have the flex in my week to be able to rebook appointments so it would then impact me for days/weeks. I actually do understand where he’s coming from, especially if he has an unsympathetic boss and/or a poorly staffed team.

Ask him to fund private care (if available) for your condition. That way there may be a wider range of appointment times available within a reasonable timescale and he might not have to take time out of work.

Can't the baby sit or sleep in a buggy, why does it need holding?

Just because it's a "minor procedure", does not mean it's "non-vital".

The fact of the matter is, this is his wife and child, and clearly he doesn't seem to care as much as he should about them.

Lady, he is NOT “doing you a favour”!! Please get this into your head. You are his wife, mother of his children. Unless you’re having lip filler or cosmetic Botox, you need this medical procedure. That’s life.

Are you doing him a favour by being on maternity leave? Did you do him a favour by being pregnant and birthing his children? What is this “favour” nonsense?? It’s not a lift to the gym you’re asking for, or for him to take your dry cleaning in for you!

It would be fine with an older child i think..
Or maybe if she falls asleep in the buggy..
But I'd be worried to rely on that

Your health comes first. On repeat. What the hell.

I had this 20 years ago with my young children and dh. I had to put my foot down op and insist health and well being comes before all else, and unless he could commit to that then I would not remain in the marriage. It is a dealbreaker to have this support. Especially if you don’t have family help.

It is not optional.
The world will still turn if he puts you first for once.

Enabling you to access necessary medical treatment is not "doing you a favour."

If your child was too ill to go to nursery or school so you had to take the day off work to look after them, would you consider yourself to be doing childcare? For your own children? I doubt it.

@DonningMyHardHat exactly this. Unexpected time off causes so much stress trying to catch up doesn't it?

So would he rather this be left to get worse & have to have actual days off work further down the line rather than literally just hold his baby for a couple of hours?

Fuck me!

I reckon a stranger off the street would be more use.