Fulula the CF who would not go home!!

[AllareNOTwelcome]

Please please make me feel better for being such a doormat this weekend!!

Yesterday my friend Fulula* (NR name obvs!) came over at 10am with her 2DC as planned for a post Xmas play date/catchup, now I will admit she has form for not really understanding boundaries but in fairness I’ve kind of put that down to me being less easy going shall we say, I’m a bit of an introvert and so I like to know when things start and end.

She came at 10am and did not leave until 7pm - SEVEN PM!! I just couldn’t get Fulula to F*ck off!!! All hints and even statements such as ‘oh I suppose you’ll need to make a move soon to get dinner started’ she just brushed off with yeh I know, but actually we don’t have any plans for dinner so we can stay of you want 😂

I should have made it clear when planning I suppose but I just never expected her to stay for 9 hours, I was screaming inside - the dinner comment above was made at 5pm and I felt it was too rude to just say - No, no I don’t want you to stay for dinner!

Kids all had a great time though, but I will never have her round again, ever. It was just way too much and Im really down on myself today for just letting it happen.

Has anyone ever had this happen with CFs just completely overstaying, and if so how did you manage it - I’m early 40s and should not be such a people pleaser still surely!

Set expectations up front if you do it again! “Come for 10am. I’m busy from 3pm so that will give the kids a good 5 hours”

My SIL does this so I only meet her out of the house no where near my home!

With my friends we just say "right, you need to leave now, I need to do this, that or the other" No one minds or gets offended as we all do it. I'll also ask if they want me to leave if
I've been there a while.

This is on you too, OP. You can’t change other people’s behaviour, but there was nothing whatsoever preventing you saying ‘Ok, X, we’ve got plans now — lovely to see you’.

I think you could have responded better when she said about staying for dinner by responding with actually I only have enough for us, didn't realise you were intended on staying so long, so thanks for coming over but I better get started on our dinner and best you make a move now.

In future definitely give a time frame or meet at hers/somewhere public.

Set expectations for sure, but on the day be prepared to say something like 'OK everyone, we need to start packing up now. It's been really lovely, let's do it again'.
If you get a response about them not needing to leave yet you just say that you need to get on with other things now, but it has been lovely having them over. Rinse and repeat.

Practice for next time:

Maybe at around 3 or 4…

“Right, this has been so lovely, but I have some things to get on with this afternoon. I’m afraid I have to ask you to leave if that’s ok”

I have a family member like this and it really puts me off seeing them.

I try to either meet them somewhere public or engineer the date to ensure a “hard stop” time, ie make sure they or I have something else to get to.

I had a friend who came round for coffee at 10.00 and finally and reluctantly left after 2.30 by which time it was patently clear that I was not offering lunch. The upshot is that I simply don’t invite them round any more. Ditto another friend who came for lunch and finally left after seven - sorry, but if you come for lunch, you leave by four at the latest. I’m absolute rubbish at getting people to leave, and I have no idea what to do about it - as the OP has discovered, some people have the hide of a rhinoceros when it comes to ignoring hints. The “I have things to be getting on with” line was met with, “Oh, is there anything I can help you with?” And then they just sat there….. Grrrr! Meeting them in public is the only solution, and even then, there are times when I feel as though I’ve been kidnapped! (Friend who gave me a lift to somewhere for lunch, and then decided we’d go on to somewhere else and have tea, and maybe we could swing by a garden centre while we were at it…when she offered again, I actually had to say that I didn’t do whole day excursions with anyone other than family.)

You really should have been more abrupt.

sesquipedalian I actually had to say that I didn’t do whole day excursions with anyone other than family.)

Why not?
Don't you enjoy them?

I don’t know why people are putting the onus on OP. Good manners dictates that the guest should know when to leave. Fulula was unbearably rude. OP shouldn’t have to worry about kicking her politely out of the door.
Do not invite her again. Ever.

@sesquipedalian - are we the same person?! Yes to everything you said! Just so bloody annoyed with myself!

I was desperately trying to recall an old MN thread of people experiences and the advice that was given, anything I tried just didn’t work,

Examples;

• After lunch I said at around 1:30pm well this has been lovely, I better get on with cleaning up now do you want to get all the kids stuff together, she was like oh no rush and then started cleaning up with me and afterwards said ooo shall we have another cup of tea - then just settled in on the sofa…
• At maybe 3pm, I got up again and made moves to push the kids into tidying up, can’t remember what I said but it was clear IMO that it meant playtime over, she said ‘yes come on kids tidy all this away and you can have another game of UNO

Other than just blatantly saying I NEED YOU TO LEAVE NOW I’m not sure what I could have done. Noted many of you saying I should have said we had plans, but I feel she’d preempted this maybe as she was asking Qs via our messages beforehand and I stupidly said yeh, X date works best for us as it’s the only day we have nothing on, I meant this as in whatever time works best for you, not please come and stay for 9 long hours.

It’s harsh to never have her over again. Be clearer next time.

Sorry, also forgot to mention how o did actually get rid in the end - I’d been mentioning it was approaching our bedtime routine for a while (oh that’s early she said 🤣) in the end I just got up and went and ran my DS a bath - was actually suprised she didn’t ask for her DC to have on too…

I have a friend like this...she is lovely but never leaves...the upshot is i only meet her away from my house so that i can leave when im ready.

We had friends like this - would rock up with the kids, let them trash the house and when we tried to suggest it was time to go, they'd bring out the kids jammies. If we said we didn't have enough in to feed 9 of us (we're 5, they're 4) they'd suggest a take away. Which DH would be dispatched for and paid for.

They'd leave about 10pm if we were lucky.

We tried to switch it up and went to theirs (an hour away) and were told enroute we'd have to stop in at the supermarket to get lunch for everyone!

Covid was a blessing and we've politely tried to maintain our distance. I relented and met them for a dog walk half way - she spent half the time moaning about every little thing and the other half on the phone to her kids who were also moaning about every little thing.

Not once did they ask how my cancer treatment was going.

Secured my belief that we were right to remove ourselves - we are now back to dodging invites and politely declining visits.

Good luck Op - someone times CFs are just so self absorbed they have no clue. Do what you need to do and don't give an inch !

Gosh I hate feeling trapped

You make hints that are clear and they ignore, and I always end up a hostage if I go to their house!

Everyone saying you need to be harsher but OMG who stays at anyone’s house for 9 hours? I genuinely think that’s mental and completely unreasonable. I also think it’s a bit rude and to me it feels like she probably knew you were hinting so then that makes her a bit of a dick. Did you get that impression? I wouldn’t even want to be friends with someone like that anymore, tone deaf for goodness sake. My Sister is my fave person in the world but I always make sure after 2-3 hours at her house I make it clear we’ll be on our way shortly in case she has stuff to do. No one expects a person to stay at their house for 9 hours, I don’t like anyone enough to spend that amount of time making small talk. I feel bad for you really, I think short of telling her to leave she fully intended to stay and there’s nothing you could have done. I bet the atmosphere was tense after about 4 hours, how did she not pick up on that?

OP you need to be more direct. I usually set a timeframe in advance and say "come 10-1.30 and I'll do us an early lunch/come 10-1 so you can do lunch at home"

You also need a phrase to tell her to go, like "I'm going to have to chuck you out now, it's been lovely seeing you, let's message to put another date in the diary"

If she says she doesn't need to go you just repeat "I've things to get on with so I'll have to chuck you out now, it's been lovely"

She was a bit cheeky but you were basically very wet and didn't make yourself clear so I think you have to accept blame here and learn strategies for the future.

It's not totally unusual to spend a whole day with a good friend, I've done it previously where we've had lunch and dinner together so I don't think she was that cheeky as you weren't clear and decisive.

@ Nanny0gg -

We had arranged to go out for lunch. I hadn’t intended to give up a whole day - and no, I didn’t enjoy it: I didn’t feel I had any choice in what we did; the day ended up being far more expensive than I had expected, and I just really didn’t like feeling that I was at someone else’s disposal with no say in the matter. I can only conclude, to use Maboscelar’s phrase, that I’m “very wet” - but short of saying, “Please take me home now”, there wasn’t much I could have done.

Stop beating yourself up, but learn from this.
Then it has been a learning experience and not a waste of time.
She didn't want to leave, it suited her.
She knew exactly what she was doing.
She doesn't get another invite.
Meet outside of the house in future.

Completely agree that she knew what she was doing and probably knew it was too long but for whatever reason she didn’t care as she wanted to stay. Very weird if you ask me.

I had a friend who was exactly the same. Really enjoyed her company, the kids all got on great, but she would come before lunch, have lunch, then hours later her kids would come up to me (not her!) saying they were hungry (as it was now dinner time). I didn't have the heart to not make them anything so I'd always offer a sandwich. And then of course I'd have to make her one too!
(our family tend to eat dinner later than most people).
I always expected when I said 'oh I can make you a sandwich?' that she'd take the hint and say they'd better be making a move. But no, she would just say thanks, that'd be nice. 😒
IMO if you've arranged to be there for one meal (i.e. lunch) and it gets towards the next mealtime, it's really time to leave.