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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fulula the CF who would not go home!!

301 replies

AllareNOTwelcome · 06/01/2025 09:04

Please please make me feel better for being such a doormat this weekend!!

Yesterday my friend Fulula* (NR name obvs!) came over at 10am with her 2DC as planned for a post Xmas play date/catchup, now I will admit she has form for not really understanding boundaries but in fairness I’ve kind of put that down to me being less easy going shall we say, I’m a bit of an introvert and so I like to know when things start and end.

She came at 10am and did not leave until 7pm - SEVEN PM!! I just couldn’t get Fulula to F*ck off!!! All hints and even statements such as ‘oh I suppose you’ll need to make a move soon to get dinner started’ she just brushed off with yeh I know, but actually we don’t have any plans for dinner so we can stay of you want 😂

I should have made it clear when planning I suppose but I just never expected her to stay for 9 hours, I was screaming inside - the dinner comment above was made at 5pm and I felt it was too rude to just say - No, no I don’t want you to stay for dinner!

Kids all had a great time though, but I will never have her round again, ever. It was just way too much and Im really down on myself today for just letting it happen.

Has anyone ever had this happen with CFs just completely overstaying, and if so how did you manage it - I’m early 40s and should not be such a people pleaser still surely!

OP posts:
Msmoonpie · 06/01/2025 10:09

You say she doesn’t understand boundaries.

You didn’t give her any. You told her you had nothing on.

TELL her when you are free until next time.

Ayechinnyreckon · 06/01/2025 10:14

You need to be clearer.

These never ending playdates/ catch ups are the norm in my circle - you're invited for brunch and 9 times out of 10 we're still chatting after feeding the kids tea! BUT if one of us needs people to leave, we just say "hey, just so you know we need to wrap this up by 5" (which probably sounds bonkers to outsiders at 10am!).

familyissues12345 · 06/01/2025 10:14

I'm a bit of a wet lettuce too. I now always come up with an excuse, so for example say it'll be lovely to see you, 11am sound ok? I need to go out at 4pm but that'll give us plenty of time to catch up etc

Sparklfairy · 06/01/2025 10:14

Don't feel down on yourself. CFs like this are really brazen and the clash between her audacity and your 'need' to be polite (or at least not be rude) probably had your insides screaming (it would mine).

Do you have another trusted friend in case there is a next time, and you can do the 'online dating' trick? You surreptitiously send an SOS message and they call you with an 'emergency' which means you simply MUST drop everything and Fulula has to leave, no excuses byeeee. I actually did this recently for a friend who knows a similar CF (I have never met CF). It wasn't needed in the end, but I assured my mate I was on standby if needed Grin

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 06/01/2025 10:16

I mastered the art of - look at clock, 'oh good grief, is that the time! Sorry to have to do this but I didn't realise it was so late - need to (do something which requires silence/leaving the house), I'll help you get your stuff together, gosh, the time has gone so quickly I didn't realise...'

I probably got the reputation of being utterly scatty and forgetting stuff until the last minute, but people always left. It's hard not to go when someone is picking up your stuff and handing it to you.

LuluBlakey1 · 06/01/2025 10:16

Has she had a really lonely time at Christmas/New Year for whatever reason and might just have felt so much better being with a friend and out of her house that she completely overdid boundaries?

Mirabai · 06/01/2025 10:18

It’s a bit extreme to go from 9 hours to nothing all because you can’t assert boundaries. Use this as a practice.

Next time she comes for lunch she has to leave by x time as you have an appt etc.

NewNovaNivarna · 06/01/2025 10:20

Maybe they were sponging off your heating . I had a friend like this who asked to come over in a cold day and then asked me to put my central heating on . I said no I can't afford it , she said put the fire on it's freezing in here , once again I said no . They left after an hour when it was plain the heating wasn't going on . There are CF everywhere .

Madderrad · 06/01/2025 10:21

I had a friend who came camping in the local area, and invited herself up for a visit on the Saturday. She turned up with her kids, her dog, and a whole family with two kids from the tent next to her. They stayed all day, playing in the pool we had at the time, and like mugs we ended up making lunch for them all so as not to seem rude. In the end after about ten hours of this, I said very firmly 'we're going to walk the dogs now, you need to leave.'

The icing on the cake was my DH had hired some expensive equipment for the weekend, and ended up not using it all that day because he felt it would be rude and didn't want to leave me trying to deal with them all alone.

I now police my boundaries like a rabid police dog. I am still angry that I didn't turn those cheeky fuckers away at the door.

StitchVic · 06/01/2025 10:25

Don’t beat yourself up OP. It’s easy in hindsight to think ‘I should’ve said this or done that’ but it’s not easy at the time when you’re unexpectedly put in a difficult position. I’m a people pleaser too (something I’m really trying not to be so much of these days!) so I get how you ended up with your hellish play date.
I’d simply chalk it up to experience and do not ever invite that friend over again. Only meet her at a public place where you have complete control over packing your kids up and leaving when it suits you.
Hopefully that should solve your issue as (I hope!) it’s only that particular friend who is a CF.

CoffeeCantata · 06/01/2025 10:25

There's a special place in hell for over-stayers. There's just NO excuse. Anyone with humility and empathy would be thinking 'Do they want me here now - perhaps they've got stuff to do?' Only the cheekiest of CFs or the most stupid people would do what this woman did.

My God, if it got to the point where someone was hinting to me...I'd be mortified.

MincePiesAndStilton · 06/01/2025 10:26

Happens to me often. I don’t want to upset the CF but I get very upset myself by their CFery. Some people have no concept of what is socially acceptable.

BeLilacSloth · 06/01/2025 10:27

‘Right, come on kids, we’ve got to go out now, Granny is expecting us.” Put your coats on, sit in the car and wait for CF to leave. Then go back in 🤣

ttcat37 · 06/01/2025 10:36

I’m not sure what’s so hard-
“oh let’s have another cup of tea” - your response is “no, sorry, it’s home time kids, get your stuff”

She is being rude, clearly trying to drag it out, probably to avoid parenting. You’re fine to be blunt in return.

muggletops · 06/01/2025 10:36

I've heard of an old wives tale that if you turn a broom upside down people leave - apparently it works?!!

backinthebox · 06/01/2025 10:39

I don’t understand why it would be so hard to just say ‘been lovely seeing you but I have things I need to do now. See you next time!’ If you don’t set an expectation, you can’t be cross if someone oversteps your non-existent line.

Trainors · 06/01/2025 10:40

Christ that’s rude. I think I would have invented a time I was going out at or something and just taken my kids out for dinner.

NewNovaNivarna · 06/01/2025 10:41

@Madderrad

She didn't come to see you . She came to use your swimming pool . So cheeky of her to bring strangers too . I hope you cut this so called friend loose after this .

Tink3rbell30 · 06/01/2025 10:43

A whole day with friends and kids isn't unusual, you should have been more clear. "No sorry I don't have time for more tea, have to go out now. Been lovely to see you"

Turophilic · 06/01/2025 10:43

I honestly think they don’t know they are being CF.

I have had a number of friends like this over the years. They hear as ‘genuine enquiries’ what others think of as heavy hints (had you best be packing up? No, that’s ok, we can stay… etc) They are having a lovely time and think you must be as well. Genuinely oblivious.

Some people are laissez faire, let’s hang out all the time, more the merrier types while most of us are happier with boundaries and time-limited.

I think there’s no need to never invite her. Just be blunt. Really blunt. In my experience they don’t mind at all.

”Right, I’ve got stuff to do now so I need to chuck you out. Kids, 10 minutes to tidy up then we’re saying goodbye.”

Should they offer a reason to stay:
”No thanks, it’s kind of you to offer to stay while I work but I know from experience I get on much better when it’s just me and. the children here. Was this X’s scarf or Y’s?”

Roadrunnerz · 06/01/2025 10:44

I don’t get it? The kids were having a great time. So it made sense to let them enjoy it. People like the op, who silently fester and fine without saying anything cause a great deal of unnecessary trouble in the world

PiggyPigalle · 06/01/2025 10:44

She got your heating for the day and her and the brood fed.

Rudeness needs to be met with the same. If she's insensitive, she won't even notice. If she's one of life's users, she deserves it.

BMW6 · 06/01/2025 10:46

Next time when you want guests to go just stand up and say "right, it's been lovely but it's time to leave now, I have things to do"

Go and get coats and stay standing. Be firm but cheery.

Don't take any shit from anyone.

ghostfacethriller · 06/01/2025 10:48

I have a friend like this, it's a shame but I've let the friendship naturally cool since covid as they are so self-focused. We'd made a lunch date at my house for when they were due to be passing through to visit family, but due to car trouble they couldn't make it. Then they said they could do the following week, same day so I assumed their plans were the same and I was pleased that we could catch up.
However, on the day itself, at around four, just as I'd been wondering if they were now heading on to see their relatives, they announced that they had no where else to be and had only come to see me that day so we could hang out. No concern about if I had any other plans!
Despite me telling them politely, several times, that I had something I needed to work on for the following day, they WOULD NOT take the hint (annoyingly and surprisingly for someone so breezy and spontaneous, my friend is quite thin-skinned) My DH came home from work around six and as he is super polite, he felt he had to ask them to stay to dinner as by seven it was getting awkward. They didn't leave till ten. When they were leaving they said cheerfully, 'Hope you have enough time for your work thing!' Yeah, I didn't. Not that they ever did ask about how it went. Utterly selfish.

Alondra · 06/01/2025 10:52

From the subject line, I thought Fulula, the CF, had stayed for months in your home instead of a few hours.

OP, stop the drama. You have problems setting boundaries with a friend who doesn't understand them unless you make them clear. I've had friends staying that long when our kids were small because we wanted to catch up and let the kids run riot, enjoying being together. They were not CF, they were good friends doing what we agreed to beforehand.

You have a problem saying what you want when you invite your friend over. If you want her to come from 1-5 say so. If you think you've had enough, say so as well "love you to bits but I've had enough. Time for you to go home and get some peace".

Why is so difficult to speak frankly with friends?