Fulula the CF who would not go home!!

[AllareNOTwelcome]

Please please make me feel better for being such a doormat this weekend!!

Yesterday my friend Fulula* (NR name obvs!) came over at 10am with her 2DC as planned for a post Xmas play date/catchup, now I will admit she has form for not really understanding boundaries but in fairness I’ve kind of put that down to me being less easy going shall we say, I’m a bit of an introvert and so I like to know when things start and end.

She came at 10am and did not leave until 7pm - SEVEN PM!! I just couldn’t get Fulula to F*ck off!!! All hints and even statements such as ‘oh I suppose you’ll need to make a move soon to get dinner started’ she just brushed off with yeh I know, but actually we don’t have any plans for dinner so we can stay of you want 😂

I should have made it clear when planning I suppose but I just never expected her to stay for 9 hours, I was screaming inside - the dinner comment above was made at 5pm and I felt it was too rude to just say - No, no I don’t want you to stay for dinner!

Kids all had a great time though, but I will never have her round again, ever. It was just way too much and Im really down on myself today for just letting it happen.

Has anyone ever had this happen with CFs just completely overstaying, and if so how did you manage it - I’m early 40s and should not be such a people pleaser still surely!

I agree 100% that she knew what she was doing and just didn’t want to leave.

You have to be crystal clear with some people and just say no to further requests.

But I can understand if makes
you feel like never seeing them again for safety’s sake!

Legend has it he’s still there

set your parameters when you give the invite, say come over from 10-12pm and that be that. Make it clear you have to be free after 12pm as you have stuff to do stuff can be anything and never elaberate

She doesn’t have to lie. Next time she can give a set time and say (if she feels like giving a reason) ‘because I really need to relax and recharge before the day tomorrow’.

That’s what I’ve started doing now. I don’t need to have plans I order to justify needing to finish something. Time for yourself is really important, and we need to normalise it and make it part of regular conversation.

Yikes, I think we have the same friend Cheeryplum! I'd finally manage to wind up a marathon 'therapy' phone call and my friend would try the old, hang on a minute, I've loads of free minutes on my mobile - I can call you back!" 😬
Did make me laugh as mum knew my friend (we've been friend since teens) and I mentioned to her a few times about these 2 hour calls and she'd say, 'You have to be firm - don't let them monopolise your time, just hang up,' but then for some reason my friend started calling my mum for marathon chats too, she seemed to imagine some closeness between them that had never existed. My mum was stunned at how persistent and non-hint taking my friend was!

My son had a friendship like this, we learnt to only ever meet them outside the house and far from ours - if we met near our home their son would invariably say "can we come to your house afterwards" which would be followed by my kids begging me to say yes and his parents just looking at me expectantly/saying something like "well if it suits sleepybuthappy we could go over for a while..." and then they would literally stay until my kids were going to bed. Once or twice when the kids were really wee they asked to borrow pj's and give their son a bath so they could stay later. Now my son is older I've said if you want to see your friend you'll need to arrange it yourself, I'm not taking anything to do with the parents again. It was made worse by the fact I really didn't like them much, they were totally self obsessed and ideologically totally different to us.

I put that you are unreasonable - not because her behaviour is ok, but at 40 you should be able to tell someone to go home.

I had a friend like this when I was young - I used to end up going to her house, and her younger sister would go to my house to play with my siblings.

I used to be desperate to get away after a period of time but found it so difficult to just go! It would drag and drag but there would always be a counter to my reasons to leave, and I only lived next door so it was a difficult one.

Im much more assertive as an adult though!

Ha ha. It was years ago in another lifetime with no children. But I wouldn't put it past him to crash somewhere after a house party for several days. Nice guy but just the sort of person that would do that.

I always say “right, this has been lovely, but unfortunately I’m going to have to kick you out (if friends) / put an end to this meeting (acquaintances) as I have to get started with XYZ. When shall we next meet?”

Obviously the kick out comment is a joke between close friends. It’s OK to not please your guests though, and to be “un-British” and tell people to leave.

Why oh why are there so many people like this? Why don't they realise they are shooting themselves in the foot because it just results in them not being invited any more or much less.

A friend of my husband's was absolutely awful for this. He still lived with his mum so used to just think he could hang out at ours at the weekend. He would literally just fall asleep on the sofa, stay the night, then all day next day and expect to do the same again. If we said we were going shopping or doing something else he'd say OK I'll stay here watching tv. My husband was a wuss and wouldn't ask him to leave so in the end I just started telling him to go, then he'd get in a huff. We've moved house twice since then and neither time we've told him the new address. He still thinks I'm totally unreasonable and my husband is a poor henpecked thing. At least he now has his own flat- which his mother bought for him as it was the only way she could persuade him to leave home.

Another friend of ours, a former neighbour (older lady and widowed) is also a long stayer though not as bad as above! I do really like her but because her visits lose a huge chunk of the day for me - i work FT and have kids so weekends and annual leave are precious - it puts me off seeing her very often. I'll suggest that we go out for lunch, my treat and I'll drive, which would keep the timing manageable and within my control. But ironically she always says "oh no, I have so much to do, I won't have time, I'll just pop in for a coffee". Lovely, I think, but she just does not leave. Last time she came at 11 and didn't leave until 2.45. I was almost fainting for my lunch but did not dare offer her any as I had the feeling she would have said yes and then stayed for hours longer. Twice she has been over and i said "I have to leave at x time" to take my youngest to an activity and she says oh yes and as it gets closer to the time I clear away the mugs and plates and put my coat on and she carries on sitting there talking. I had to say "nice to see you, really do have to go now", marched out of the door and got in my car. She did then leave but it felt so awkward and I was cross that I had kindly hosted and yet ended up feeling awkward. I just don't get it.

My FIL, when he wanted visitors to leave, would go and get guest's coats out of the hall cupboard and hand them out. MIL would get all embarrassed but it worked.

I have this with my afore-mentioned clingy friend on the phone too! The number of times I say ‘right I have to go now and get in the shower’ and they just rattle on about ‘just one more thing’ 🤯

I do get clearer now over the (very few) phone calls we make. The last time we chatted over video call I thought I was safe because I had the morning off but they had a work call starting at a set time. Tried to take the call and make me wait! I quietly hung up and sent a message saying ‘had to go, have a good day at work’. Mind-boggling.

They’re such a good friend in person and conversation where they take turns to talk and listen, but just so clingy when it comes to my time and attention.

Why are people so rude? I would hate someone to just invite themselves over. But I do think it's easier to extract yourself off home turf and your statements about the dog etc are perfect.

There’s an episode of Curb your Enthusiasm where Larry tells Cheryl not to invite someone for dinner because they’re a “lingerer” and you can’t get rid of them. Very apt.

God almighty, why are some of you such drips? Imagine not being to have a mate round in case they overstay!

Either state ahead of the visit that you’re only free until x o’clock, or just tell them you need to get on with stuff.

“do you want another cuppa before you head off?”

It’s unreasonable of her - BUT it’s totally a skill you need to learn as it’s fine to ask people to leave. Not hint, just say it.
You can be polite, gentle, apologetic, jokey, firm, belligerent, lie about reason, but have your lines rehearsed for different people and circumstances and then say it about 20 mins before the time you need them out of the door.
Never be ashamed or feel guilty about reclaiming your own home! but worth practising saying it if you think you will find it difficult!

Oh wow, that is a CF alright!

I am a total people pleaser but even I would have been direct and got rid of them by 3pm - if I'd fed them lunch no way was I giving them dinner as well!

OP I know you're not planning on inviting Fulula round again - but having gone through this experience, what would you do differently?

Could you see yourself saying "it's been lovely seeing you, kids have had a great time but it's time to go now. We'll see you again at whatever later this week".

Or responding to her "we could stay for dinner if you want" with a "Oh not today, we can arrange to have dinner together another time".

9 hrs is a very long time
@AllareNOTwelcome did you at any point ask how things were at home? My initial thought would be ‘What is she hiding from?’
Before cutting her off could you raise the subject by showing concern ant the length of visit? Sometimes just naming the situation is a great way to find out what’s happening e.g. complete lack of boundaries or possibly a DA situation

slap hands on knees, stand up, announce

.... right .... I think it's time to call it a day, don't you? Lovely to see you. Let me get your coat........ CHILDREN .... come on you're LEAVING .......

It really isn't rude to tell someone it is time for them to be heading on their way after you have hosted amd fed them for 4 or 5 hours. Rude is not taking the hints or expecting to be able to stay that long somewhere in the first place.

I know people whom I am certain would say 'Oh sounds lovely! Shall we get a bottle of wine/watch a film/chill out together with our books at yours then?!'

It sounds like she was hoping to get a free dinner. Did you offer her lunch?

What if they just stay sitting there and don’t move and just start a new conversation? You could interrupt and say “can we continue this another time?” But they turn on the wounded puppy look and still say sitting there. You could say, isn’t your bus soon? Yet they still stay sitting there. They don’t move. You can hint/be direct til you’re blue in the face with these people, you’d have to manhandle them out the door, and slam it in their face.

None of your examples are direct though, they're too polite.

How is arranging a set time rude in comparison to asking someone to leave unexpectedly once they are at your house 🤣🤣🤣 please give me a break lol