Fulula the CF who would not go home!!

[AllareNOTwelcome]

Please please make me feel better for being such a doormat this weekend!!

Yesterday my friend Fulula* (NR name obvs!) came over at 10am with her 2DC as planned for a post Xmas play date/catchup, now I will admit she has form for not really understanding boundaries but in fairness I’ve kind of put that down to me being less easy going shall we say, I’m a bit of an introvert and so I like to know when things start and end.

She came at 10am and did not leave until 7pm - SEVEN PM!! I just couldn’t get Fulula to F*ck off!!! All hints and even statements such as ‘oh I suppose you’ll need to make a move soon to get dinner started’ she just brushed off with yeh I know, but actually we don’t have any plans for dinner so we can stay of you want 😂

I should have made it clear when planning I suppose but I just never expected her to stay for 9 hours, I was screaming inside - the dinner comment above was made at 5pm and I felt it was too rude to just say - No, no I don’t want you to stay for dinner!

Kids all had a great time though, but I will never have her round again, ever. It was just way too much and Im really down on myself today for just letting it happen.

Has anyone ever had this happen with CFs just completely overstaying, and if so how did you manage it - I’m early 40s and should not be such a people pleaser still surely!

I had an acquaintance who would pop round early evening to discuss a project, naturally I would offer a beer at that time of evening. She would sip it slowly and talk so long that eventually she'd be included in our dinner. This happened several times until the final occasion. My brother was round and we needed to discuss family issues so when acquaintance phoned saying she would pop round to deal with something on the project I was explicit that on this occasion she couldn't stay for dinner.
Come dinner time she's sipping her beer and looking at the cooking. We were looking at her. I let the silence stretch to eternity. She eventually after HALF AN HOUR she drained the last of her beer and departed. We never spoke again. My brother found it hilarious. My husband, who was cooking, didn't. Honestly for half an hour 4 people stood in a kitchen, beside the cooker, looking at each other meaningfully.

Exactly. You tell them you need to turf them out because you’ve got shit to do. No need to elaborate and it doesn’t have to be confrontational, just factual and friendly.

At a push tell them it’s time to start spring cleaning and hand them a loo brush and bleach. Or say that if they’re staying they’re on oven cleaning duty.

I’m honestly gobsmacked by some of the posts on this thread!

If you ever invite her again (!) make sure you arrange an appointment for around the time you want her to leave. It can be anything - catching up with some work emails if you are in any sense employed, visiting a sick neighbour, dropping a cake tin round to your mums, going to the dentist, taking a (surprised and indignant) cat to the vet. Anything. But don't let her come with nothing in place.

Not immediately, but she pulled some other shit further down the line, and when I called her out on it she screamed down the phone at me for a full five minutes. That was the end of that. Thank god.

And nobody thought to tell her you were having a family meeting and needed to go. Why not?

Remember it’s no good creeping into the kitchen and doing it where no one can see. You have to bring it into the sitting room, then try out a few places to see which has the best mystic vibes before dramatically saying “YES!” as you place it within the friends view. Then you have to stare expectantly at the friend without blinking for quite a long time before they feel uncomfortable and leave the magic works.

I have a friend who would do this, but she doesn't, because I tell her when I've had enough. No excuses, just "well it's been lovely to see you, but alas, you need to leave now, because I have a lot of things to do".

People like this actually don't seem to find directness rude. In fact, she'll often start another conversation as she's putting on her coat, and I have been known to bundle her out of the door as she's talking and walk her to the road then say bye. It doesn't faze her at all!

Also if someone isn't taking a hint, I would always be direct. They don't care about their rudeness, so why should I worry about being assertive?

Being stuck for hours with someone you don't want in your home is the price you pay for a lack of courage.

You have to be much more abrupt OP. Your hints sound like they have flexibility to them when really you want her gone. "Right I've lots to get on with. I'm booting you all out now. Lovely to see you. Byee." Job done.

We had friends like this who were lovely but just stayed and stayed. Even impervious to direct instructions. "Time to go now." Problem was my DH would have been happy with them there all weekend plus overnights (they lived locally) so was shit at backing me up. I would be screaming inside desperate for time to myself. Their DS was hard work and my DC would get fed up of him very quickly.

I've been wet in my day but my line in the sand would absolutely be the doctor's appointment. OMG - what was up with that person?!

As I said in my post I was absolutely explicit in explaining that to her.

Friends staying for that long become free housekeepers or leave. Unload the dryer and give her the pile to fold while she's sitting there, if she goes to the bathroom after hour 4 - vaccuum the stairs, another cup of tea the dishwasher needs loaded/unloaded.

When guests don't leave just get on with whatever you need to do, you're not a paid hostess.

I know 😯See that’s why it’s irritating me when people on here are saying just tell them to leave, these people are like leeches!

Not explicit enough if you all just stood looking at each other for half an hour!

This reminds me of the time a school mum invited herself and her kids over to mine one day when it was really nice weather (and I have a big garden).
I said 'sorry no, I'm working' (I work from home) and she just said 'oh that's no problem, we can just hang out in the garden. I'll bring a book'.
Unbelievable!!

She was hoping that we would break and she could embarrass us into including her.
It was a battle of wills. I refused to back down.
But equally I didn't snatch the glass out of her hand nor manhandle her to the door.

Oh no, Mum got roped in as well. Now she'll see how being firm isn't as simple as it sounds 😂

I tried the 'must get my prescription, the pharmacy shuts at 5' routine once. I had my boots and coat on at the front door saying I really have to go now. I didn't even need the pharmacy but I felt so guilty (why?) for ending this 3hr call that I actually went. Even I can't explain that one. I got round the corner and thought, 'what the feck am I doing?' 🤔I bought some toothpaste and decided I needed some phone boundaries.

In this situation I think I would have said
“I’m really sorry to do this, but I’m going to have to ask you all to leave now. I have a few things i have to get done this evening but it’s been really lovely seeing you. Let’s message later in week and fix another time”. Then I would have stood up as I said it - and not sat down again but walked around the room putting things away and clearing up glasses etc.
Then if nothing happened, I would have shouted to the kids that they need to start putting toys away as “XyZ are leaving now”.
She sounds nice and could be helpful as mum friends, where kids get on, can be such mutually useful support networks.
If that didn’t work at all and she ignored a direct request to leave - then she’s prob not going to be friend material!!

What would you say then? So I can say it if it ever happens to me again.

I voted YABU purely because although yes she was unreasonable to stay so long, why on earth would you let her and not say anything!

This does happen and dealing with it can feel like a real showdown.

Thankfully, I haven't experienced this in years but when I was in grad school in the London in the mid-90s, a friend from university came to say. I stupidly paid for her laundry (what an idiot - I literally had weeks with £40 in my bank acct) and let her freeload in other ways. I was going away that weekend and had to meet my boyfriend on the day she was supposed to leave but seemed to be going nowhere ("But I haven't had my shower yet.")

I did manage to tell her she just had to go - eventually - but because I was away that weekend she assumed she and a friend could stay in my place. Also a no. "But why? You aren't even here."

I think she just thought she was the AlphaWoman in this scenario and could push it as far as she liked.

I expect her daughter to spend some time travelling in Europe before long and you can be sure if she comes to London we're not putting her up.

Kevin Bridges has a wonderful story in his stand up show about the sleep over from hell. It's a reverse of this, where they don't want him to leave and he ends up staying the night. It's hilarious, because of course every word of it is true.😂

Unbelievably cheeky but also makes it easy to identify who wants to see you for your company and who just wants to enjoy your nice home/garden/facilities.

There was a thread on here about people who lived in popular tourist locations and how keen some "friends" were to visit. One poster told the CF family "sorry we'll be away the week you want to come". CF replied "oh that's even better that we can stay when you're not there". Er, nope!

I feel for those whose people pleasing tendencies are a result of how their parents raised them. I have a question for you though.

How are you raising your own children when it comes to boundaries? If you struggle with directness / putting yourself first, do they see this? Do they see their mum or dad putting guests up for hours or days on end without daring to throw them out - aren’t they learning the same thing? Or are you actively teaching them boundaries so that they aren’t stuck in the same people-pleasing cycle once they’re adults?

I do worry about this, tbh. Some of our biggest issues are currently with family, which adds an additional layer of complexity. Remarkably, and goodness knows how, my kids don't seem to be pushovers in the same sort of way.

When my kids go over to friends' houses (and when their friends come here) I always set the time between 2pm and 5pm. 3 hours is plenty, and there's no obligation from either side to provide lunch or dinner as it's between the traditional mealtimes. (Although I always give guests and my kids some sort of warm snack to keep them going). I make sure they know the reason for the timings, and make sure they stick to them, and that their friends know in advance.