Fulula the CF who would not go home!!

[AllareNOTwelcome]

Please please make me feel better for being such a doormat this weekend!!

Yesterday my friend Fulula* (NR name obvs!) came over at 10am with her 2DC as planned for a post Xmas play date/catchup, now I will admit she has form for not really understanding boundaries but in fairness I’ve kind of put that down to me being less easy going shall we say, I’m a bit of an introvert and so I like to know when things start and end.

She came at 10am and did not leave until 7pm - SEVEN PM!! I just couldn’t get Fulula to F*ck off!!! All hints and even statements such as ‘oh I suppose you’ll need to make a move soon to get dinner started’ she just brushed off with yeh I know, but actually we don’t have any plans for dinner so we can stay of you want 😂

I should have made it clear when planning I suppose but I just never expected her to stay for 9 hours, I was screaming inside - the dinner comment above was made at 5pm and I felt it was too rude to just say - No, no I don’t want you to stay for dinner!

Kids all had a great time though, but I will never have her round again, ever. It was just way too much and Im really down on myself today for just letting it happen.

Has anyone ever had this happen with CFs just completely overstaying, and if so how did you manage it - I’m early 40s and should not be such a people pleaser still surely!

Your friend has the social awareness of a plank.

With me and my friends, literally as soon as something even THINKS the sentence, "Well... I need to start thinking about dinner." The guest is putting on their shoes and zipping their coat.

My friend just used to say "well, I've got to kick you out now" .

Or "right, I'll take you home now".

Ughhh I have second hand frustration for you. People like this very well get the hints, they just don’t care.

Next time (if there is a next time) you need to go to her, that way you can leave when you’re ready.

I have a very clingy friend who I don’t see often (doesn’t live in London) who’s coming for a night as we’re going as part of a group to an event.

I’m already thinking about how I’m going to need to be clear with them about my plans around this, as it will be a rare weekend off for me and I want to have some peace and quiet as well. They usually try to come a day earlier and plan out a whole day after.

Won’t be happening.

I voted YABU because if you didn't give her a start and end time (even in conversation - something like "Oh the kids would love a morning playdate, why don't you come at 10am on Tuesday as we have an appointment at 1pm that we have to make, so you'll have to be gone by 12:30?") this one is on you.

Also, you have to be direct when you're dealing with CF like Fulula. "Yes, I think it's time you went as we have plans for this afternoon that don't include you so I'll get you your coats and I hope you had a lovely time."

Or variations of the above would work but what you did wasn't direct or clear enough for her to grasp that you wanted her out.

You live and learn so hopefully, if there happens to be a next time, you'll know better.

We have a friend like that! We'll invite him for dinner at say, 7, and then at 11 he's sat on the couch and says, "I really need to get to bed, I have an early start tomorrow," as if we're stopping him from getting to bed, rather than thinking it's past time for him to go home! He stays until the point we say we are going to bed and then one of us has to wait whilst he gets his shoes/coat on to lock the door behind him.

I guess some people just don't pick up on social cues.

In the same situation, I'd probably say I'd had an urgent call and we needed to go out. 😂

@AllareNOTwelcome - you wrote "After lunch I said at around 1:30pm well this has been lovely, I better get on with cleaning up now do you want to get all the kids stuff together, she was like oh no rush and then started cleaning up with me and afterwards said ooo shall we have another cup of tea - then just settled in on the sofa…"

When she said "No rush" that was your opportunity to say "Ok then, I was trying to be polite here but it didn't quite hit the mark, because you think you can stay longer but in fact I need you to go now." and as for the "Shall we have another cup of tea?" the answer there is "No - I've cleaned the kitchen and I wasn't expecting you to stay this long. I actually have plans this afternoon that I have to attend to so while it was fun seeing you, it's now time for you to go"

Some people are really oblivious so need it spelled out for them

We had friends like this as well. Would come for lunch at 11am and then still be there at 7pm! Small children too at the time.

I solved it by just putting the end time on the invite. So, Hi, looking forward to seeing you on Saturday - about 11 until 4ish? (need to get the kids into bed earlish)

All play dates are at her place or somewhere else - and you both arrive via own transport. She sounds deliberately oblivious.

These people who don’t seem to have much going on in their lives and can hang around for infinite amounts of time are the worst!

my messages for play dates tend to read ‘hey love - fancy coming round 9-1? I’ll do lunch for the kids and us for 12.’ And then will give the children a reminder at lunch that they need to tidy up before they leave, a ‘we’ve had so much fun! What big messes we’ve made! Let’s remember to tidy up please before we have to say goodbye.’

I’ve had it happen once before and now am super explicit up front 😅

Good luck for future play dates OP!

Oh what a nightmare! I would have directed it to the kids …. Shouts upstairs ‘5 minute warning kids to start tidying up’

ALWAYS have some sort of plan for a few hours after this friend or any friend comes over. ‘Oh yes we are popping to pick up a parcel in town / going to the in laws for an early dinner / got a doctors appt / ANYTHING

This almost happened to me, a friend came over with 2 children and another she had agreed to babysit which I didn’t know about, for a play date at 10am. By 3pm I wanted them to go so I said plans and put my kids in the car. She was still on the house and I said pull the door shut when you leave as 30 mins after I said I was leaving she was still changing nappies and faffing. I saw her leaving our house as I reversed down the drive!

I just couldn't do that 😮🥲

I am a people pleaser myself and have struggled to assert myself in these type of situations, but how on earth is someone supposed to interpret "would you like a sandwich" as "please leave"?

I think you need to be more direct although it can be hard.

Although I remember one time we ended up just going to bed as one guy at our party wouldn't leave with any very obvious hints. I think he only would have if I had directly said you need to go. He slept on the sofa.

You’d rather sit in your house having a ‘playdate’ that lasted NINE HOURS because you are completely incapable of saying a single, civil sentence? That’s on you.

Why should the OP have to lie though? CF should have took the hints.

My mum 🤯 Guilts you with ‘I guess you want me to leave now’, followed by ‘oh I should really go..’ for about 2 hours before she actually leaves. Drops in unannounced too. I can’t stand it.

:D that has just reminded me that I used to be far more of an arsehole assertive in my youth - we had a couple of house party overstayers and we drove them out by singing "Hit the Road Jack" until they went

Yes I would definitely interpret someone saying would you like a sandwich as you are welcome to stay a bit longer.

Yes I had a friend like this we are no longer friends she just couldn't take a hint.

We have friends that only invite for the afternoon so they leave after dinner. If they come in the morning they stay all day. Or the other thing I do is offer them a lift so I will say “After this cup of tea I will give you a lift home”. Then “ok kids time to go for a wee and get in the car”.

Agree with this!

"Right, bugger off then. I've got stuff to do this afternoon"

That was all you needed to say. Works wonders, and anyone who takes offence isn't worth spending time with.

Oh do I feel your pain @AllareNOTwelcome (great name btw!), last week a friend who is lovely but incredibly self involved, loves to talk about themselves at length and whose last visit lasted for nearly 5 hours,
asked if she and her toddler could visit me. I agreed but stipulated that I had to go out by a certain time for an appointment.

As it got closer to the appointment time she made no effort to leave and even me putting my shoes on and saying "well it's been lovely to see you, but I must go now" had no impact as she suddenly remembered something she must tell me first. And her anecdotes are not short.

I finally managed to usher them into shoes and coats when her DC announced they wanted to play hide and seek and bolted upstairs, so friend theatrically creeps up my stairs pondering aloud "where has x got to?!". I could hear they were in my bedroom so I dashed in, said "found you" and carried her out. Toddler was unimpressed at having their game ended so began a meltdown on my landing, with DF then sitting on my landing floor to emphasise over the disappointed feelings. Somehow I got us all out the door and left her and her DC playing hide and seek in my front garden. When I came back two hours later I half expected them to still be there.