Fulula the CF who would not go home!!

[AllareNOTwelcome]

Please please make me feel better for being such a doormat this weekend!!

Yesterday my friend Fulula* (NR name obvs!) came over at 10am with her 2DC as planned for a post Xmas play date/catchup, now I will admit she has form for not really understanding boundaries but in fairness I’ve kind of put that down to me being less easy going shall we say, I’m a bit of an introvert and so I like to know when things start and end.

She came at 10am and did not leave until 7pm - SEVEN PM!! I just couldn’t get Fulula to F*ck off!!! All hints and even statements such as ‘oh I suppose you’ll need to make a move soon to get dinner started’ she just brushed off with yeh I know, but actually we don’t have any plans for dinner so we can stay of you want 😂

I should have made it clear when planning I suppose but I just never expected her to stay for 9 hours, I was screaming inside - the dinner comment above was made at 5pm and I felt it was too rude to just say - No, no I don’t want you to stay for dinner!

Kids all had a great time though, but I will never have her round again, ever. It was just way too much and Im really down on myself today for just letting it happen.

Has anyone ever had this happen with CFs just completely overstaying, and if so how did you manage it - I’m early 40s and should not be such a people pleaser still surely!

I disagree with previous comments calling Fulula a bitch and a bully. A cruel angry reply is not needed here.

She just doesn’t get it and is feeling hurt and rejected, as far as she was concerned she’d made a friend and you were all having a great time.

If you would like to preserve the acquaintanceship for your kids, I would say:

“It’s different for family, close friends, and days out. I can prepare myself for special people and occasions.

It’s nothing personal, and I enjoyed our cuppa and chat, but it was just normal day in my house and didn’t know a play date would last the whole day.

After I got tired, I did keep trying to make hints but didn’t want to be rude! In the future, should we set specific start and end times so everyone knows what to expect?

As I said I did enjoy it before getting worn out, and obviously our kids had a great time! So would love to do it again, just with a more manageable timescale!”

Only if she’s shitty after this would a harsh reply or ghosting be in order.

Although if she does come around again, she might be awkward and act hurt.

But you would have given her a chance, set your boundaries, and done the right thing for your kids’ friendships.

Argg she wants you to be BFFs.

I think given the kids are class mates and friends I would go with sorry but any play dates with my child's friends and parents I would have expected to last three hours max.I really don't have the time or inclination for more.
Spending time with my close friends and family is totally different and the two could never be compared...so now we know we are on the same page for future play dates will make things easier.

I think your own reply was rude and a bit mean! You should have said something about the timing either before or during the meetup. Since you didn't do that, you should have acknowledged "I should have been clearer at the time!" considering she was apologising, or at least included "it's nothing personal" or "the kids had a lovely time" to couch the "you overstayed".

Her response to you after that was also rude but it's pretty clear she's hurt you didn't raise it directly. She's obviously not the best at reading people/social interactions and either has a different social battery or thought you had a closer friendship than you do.

I'm sorry but it's just not normal behaviour to stay so long.

If she's hurt then that's tough. She way overstepped and needs to learn. She clearly doesn't get it. So bluntness is best.

Who wants to be friend with a cf anyway?

Wow, your reply was a bit brutal, given that she knows you spend all day with other friends and don't mind.

Of course she's going to think it's a case of "I have a social battery for people I like and I don't like you", because that's exactly what you're really saying. She's belatedly realised that and is understandably hurt.

She thought you were better friends than you did. It's OK, happens to everyone, but it can be pretty awful when the realisation dawns.

On the plus side, I don't think you need to worry about it happening again, OP!

No one in their right mind thinks a playdate should drag on for 9 hours. If the other mother is "hurt" she has only herself to blame. She's totally lacking in empathy and the ability to read the room.

Exactly. Bullet dodged.

This is the best reply by far

Don't reply, you'll probably just make the situation worse.

If you really feel you have to reply, just something like ....

..... Thanks for the feedback, see you soon.......

And then put her in a holding pattern for a while and if the kids want meet ups do it at her place or the park so you can leave.

Thanks everyone read each and every one of your replies. It’s made me think of it slightly different, I had read her messages almost like she was confused and considered us much closer friends, but some of you have pointed out it could actually come across like she’s trying to get her own way and pushing me to back down and just do as I’m told!

Going to hold off on responding for a little while as just quite unsure of myself with this situation.

Good but definitely outing points I’ve not mentioned here before (but fuck it now) our DC are not in the same school, they met at a separate nursery and we as parents met at a kids bday party, she did attach herself to me from then on and always tried to pin me down to meeting up with kids outside of bday parties but I never did until the kids left nursery so they could still see each other. So I don’t have to worry about seeing her at the school gates.

We are just quite different as people, which is fine obviously can’t all be the same, but she is holds quite traditional values, didn’t go back to work after children for example and waxes lyrically how I’d be much happier to do the same - probs so I’d be free more often 😅 I’ve literally never moaned about my job ever to her.

The above illustrates though how I’m seeing she is, I dunno - forceful, or opinionated/bossy but comes across as very sweet ‘I don’t know why I don’t have more friends’ kind of vibe.

Edited to say they’re not at primary together

To add, I’m sorry for using this thread as bit of a brain dump but I feel like my eyes are being opened to her now I’m giving her some thought outside of just Xs Mum….

PP upthread said Single white female so now I’m like Hmmm 👀

She sounds like a horrible, sanctimonious leech who targeted you as someone she could manipulate.

My mind is still reeling at 9 hours. I don't want my SO around for 9 hours and I love him! LOL.

If that was for me, sorry I missed it only just got notification! No, she didn't ever leave the house unless with me to walk the dog, go to shops etc. She lived around two hours from me too!

I am a big fan of not ignoring CF messages! I would write back - its not helpful for you to compare yourself to my lifelong friends. As I said, 3 hours is the maximum play date time I can support and going forward, any visits have to be kept to this time. And I will need you to leave when I ask you to.

But people can spend all sorts of different times with different people and different places. People don’t need to take offence surely?

I could easily spend 12 hours+ with one of my best friends doing our hobby. It would be great fun!

I couldn’t even manage half an hour in a nightclub with a few of my not so close friends.

I could manage a couple of hours at my sisters house with her energetic kids.

One close friend I’m happy to visit and stay with at her house for a 24 hour overnight visit every few months.

One friend I prefer to see her outside the house with a set time limit. (She’s the known overstayer.)

I could spend endless hours locked in a room with my husband.

I could spend about 10 mins talking to the manager at work before I would have to walk away even though she is lovely.

So how long you can cope with someone in a situation can vary massively. It isn’t relevant to a different person and different situation.

If my sister started ranting that I spend 12 hours with my best friend doing our hobby so why don’t I want to spend 12 hours at her house with her frantic kids I’d think she was crazy. The two situations just aren’t comparable. It doesn’t mean I like or dislike either of them more or less. Its just different. I love my sister. I love my friend. I love spending time with them both. But different situations and people call for different time spent.

@WatcherWatch - so could I, but I wouldn't use the excuse "I find more than 3 hours with people too much."

I'd say "yes, it was a bit much, I should have said something at the time. Although I didn't have firm plans there were other things I could have done with getting on with later in the day. My fault, I should be clearer when making plans. It was great for the children to spend time together, though."

Excellent update that they are not at school.
I would proceed with great care OP.
If you are unsure of what to say, then silence is best.
I would encourage other friendships.

Blimey. Not sure how you survived that.

The response to your text shows that she's pushy, over bearing and has no self awareness

She's definitely going to be a cling on

I couldn't be friends with anyone like that

Perhaps not quite so blunt but if you're not going to ignore her last message (I might) then maybe go with something like this. Perhaps not quite so blunt but the "not helpful" bit is great!

Looking at it from the other side. It is positive that she acknowledged that she'd overstayed. Maybe she has stuff going on and just couldn't face going home then afterwards realised she'd put you in a tricky situation. Could be defensiveness/ guilt talking when she's comparing you having days out with old friends. Admittedly she does sound like hard work!

Maybe she has stuff going on and just couldn't face going home

That's no excuse for sucking up someone's entire precious day off. She should go to a cafe or library or McDonald's or elsewhere if she doesn't want to go home, not loiter about someone's home.

It was a very uncomfortable time! I found the whole thing so, so weird that I didn't know what to do. She was so happy being at my house, evidently but she just dossed about awaiting my instruction. God only knows how long she'd have stayed if I hadn't have got so fed up and my Mum hadn't have intervened (my Mum is a very no-nonsense Lady)!

At one of the parties that exH and I had, everyone was going - we'd got their coats and everything - but then everyone stood in the hall and DIDN'T LEAVE. It went on a bit, and it was late, and people were still all talking. So I said "Right, time to leave now" and made shooing motions with my arms. 😂 Otherwise we'd still have been there 45 minutes later!