Fulula the CF who would not go home!!

[AllareNOTwelcome]

Please please make me feel better for being such a doormat this weekend!!

Yesterday my friend Fulula* (NR name obvs!) came over at 10am with her 2DC as planned for a post Xmas play date/catchup, now I will admit she has form for not really understanding boundaries but in fairness I’ve kind of put that down to me being less easy going shall we say, I’m a bit of an introvert and so I like to know when things start and end.

She came at 10am and did not leave until 7pm - SEVEN PM!! I just couldn’t get Fulula to F*ck off!!! All hints and even statements such as ‘oh I suppose you’ll need to make a move soon to get dinner started’ she just brushed off with yeh I know, but actually we don’t have any plans for dinner so we can stay of you want 😂

I should have made it clear when planning I suppose but I just never expected her to stay for 9 hours, I was screaming inside - the dinner comment above was made at 5pm and I felt it was too rude to just say - No, no I don’t want you to stay for dinner!

Kids all had a great time though, but I will never have her round again, ever. It was just way too much and Im really down on myself today for just letting it happen.

Has anyone ever had this happen with CFs just completely overstaying, and if so how did you manage it - I’m early 40s and should not be such a people pleaser still surely!

When I had my first DC I met someone like this, she just never left and it was draining. I think because it was my first DC I didn’t know if it was normal 😬. She never took any hints either and it was equally difficult to escape her house too !
in the end I’d meet her out and about and have later plans.
I don’t see this person anymore ( it was 14 years ago ) but we have a mutual friend that recently told me she’d popped over just as she was serving up Sunday lunch and she stood chatting and chatting away as her meal got cold on the side.. I’m glad I escaped her clutches.
it taught me with future friendships to always set a time to leave, or outright just say, ooh that’s the time I’m going to have to get on now, lovely to see you, and make for the door.

I have a friend like this too. I have to literally ask her to go home and even then she doesn’t always go. Once she and her husband were still here at 1am and all the kids were asleep on the sofa. It was wild.

Ugh I hate people who do this! For all you posters saying “just tell them you have to get on with things etc”, these people just do not physically move from their seats… you would have to actually shove them out your front door to get rid of them… or else they do the wounded puppy “oh do you want rid of me now?” Self pitying shit.

Or they even pull the, “I have no money for bus/train home”…or “ive just missed a bus can I wait in the warm till the next one” and on and on, you have to remember some people are fucking mental and just take take take as long as they’re getting what they want, they care not if you’re uncomfortable or upset.

I’ve been in my pyjamas and saying well that’s me off to bed and the CF just sit there or ask if they can stay the night too.

i blame my mother for raising me to have no boundaries and teaching me that to assert myself was being a “meanie” and telling me I’d end up with no friends if I kept being so horrible.

Some of you posters need to realise it’s not simple, some people can and do exploit the hell out of your kindness or low self confidence just to get what they want.

I have a friend like this. Now when I see her I either go to her house or we meet up away from home so I can escape on my terms!

You don't do whole day excursions other than with family? What are you? A child? I understand you feeling like you had to stay out with this one friend on the occasion you referred to, but this can easily be solved next time by you doing the driving, each taking your own cars or using public transport. To say you will only go out with family from now on is quite frankly odd.

Yes, a lot of people on these threads were blessed with great boundaries it seems and/or haven't ever experienced the lengths overstayers will get to.

It's plain in their suggestions of 'say you have to be somewhere' etc.. All you'll get is an 'Oooh, where! That sounds exciting doesn't' it kids-let's let Dad know we'll be late home!'

Or 'Ah It's okay! We can be quiet/stay here until after your meeting!'

I've had this happen since I was a child. I have several examples that I'll furnish the thread with shortly!

I don't think this PP meant that as truth, just that she'd ran out of ways of getting away. I'd have been really upset to lose my day like that when I thought I was just going for a nice lunch.

I know it's on me @LaLatina

I agree. I would have felt the same. Especially if garden centres etc were not my thing. But to refuse to go out with friends for the day ever again because of this seems excessive as it can easily be sorted with each taking responsibility for their own transport. I read this as this is the decision she has now made. And if she actually hasn't, how is she going to handle this going forward if she is then seen or tagged on social media as being out with other friends. It would have been easier durelyy to just explain that she likes to take responsibility for her own plans / day going forward

Really sounds to me that people have an issue communicating what they want with the fear of being impolite. Well they don't care about imposing on you though do they?

Best way to manage this is to have clear expectations from the start. Yes you can come for lunch but I'll need you to leave I'm afraid by two as we have to be somewhere. Is that ok? If it's not ok, then they don't come.

I am ND and I get burned out by people being around too long. My home is where I release my emotions. I once had a friend stay until 11pm and I also kept making hints! But I was in my 20s then and a massive people pleaser. I had to say to her in the end are you getting a taxi now as I'm tired.

Perhaps we all need this bunting!

I think I must have a different definition of 'friend' than a lot of folk. I don't have lots of friends but the ones I do have, I can speak freely with, I don't need to put on an act with friends. I'd just ask them to go because plans/routine or need rest etc. It doesn't have to be a drama.

I'm going to try that! 😂

Thanks everyone, feeling better that it’s not just me and Falulas walk amongst us all!

I appreciate everyone’s comments, even the ones calling me wet - that’s exactly how I felt I was tbh which is why I’m raging at myself.

Also to others who see no issue in a 9 hour play date and those who said I should have just been really blunt - I definitely am too much of a people pleaser (have a need to be a good host) to ever say outright: Go home now!

For context I wouldn’t necessarily call Falula my friend, but she makes out I’m one of her besties and overshares more than I’d like - we met through DC, she has some lovely qualities and the kids get on like a house on fire - they are genuinely lovely kids - but she talks a lot about not having a lot of friends, so when ever she asks what I’ve been up to/sees things on my SM for example- she’ll say things like oh that looked fun and seems a bit put out I didn’t invite her, whereas I see her as more of a mum friend/my kids friends mum…This however isn’t something I feel I could outright say to her though.

So my thinking is, either a) she was trying to force a closer friendship with overstaying - like, ‘oh gosh we’re just so comfortable together doesn’t time fly’ no Falulu it didnt or, b) She did mention her DP was having a ‘gaming day’ so maybe she was just keeping the kids out the way all day, they do appear to have a traditional partnership from bits Ive picked up on.

That's just rude. You don't need to do that. Next time just make the plan and explain the play date needs to end at what ever time you need to it end as you have other plans or other things to do. You can also arrange the play date away from home or go to theirs seen as they are so relaxed.

But why not just tell the kids, and her, "yes it is time for mummy to take you home for dinner," ???

Why start making sandwiches? They aren't starving to death and she can take them to McDonald's or something on the way home.

I would never have her in my home again.

I think I'd have probably said 'No actually, I should be getting back to let the dog out/see so and so/go and do xyz, if you're not going back yet I'll get an uber/bus/walk It's fine!'

But those things aren't foolproof! I have similar things and people will say 'Ooh I'll come and have some tea at yours then! Would love to meet your dog!/'Oh I've not seen X for ages/I'd like to meet X! I'll come with you!' etc etc.
OR they'll become offended that you don't want to do their idea of going for tea/another outing.

It often puts me off hanging out with people. And then, it also means that I am hyper aware that people want to stay out/in my house longer than I do, so I end up feeling like other people do even if perhaps they don't. It makes socialising stressful.

I have tried my best with boundaries, I really have. I was brought up to believe that I was nothing and did not deserve an opinion or preference, the formative years are hard to reverse.

I wasn't actively offering the sandwich.
Her kids would come up to me and say 'we're really hungry!' and their mother would say nothing and just stare blankly.
So I would say 'well I suppose could make you a sandwich...? Not sure what we've got in though' assuming that she would take the hint and say 'oh! It must be late, we should head off home for dinner' (rather than just letting me make their dinner!!

Said with a smile, if prior hints not realised:-

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to chuck you out now as I must get on, nice to see you" (make moves to hand out coats)

Honestly one of the things I hate most is the delicate balance of when to fuck off.

Sometimes I'm crawling out of my skin to leave but we live in a society where as a guest you can't just slap your thigh and say 'right I'm bored and hungry now so bye I guess'.

The 'polite' in your hands hints of things like 'oh, I suppose you'll want to be getting off?' are worse as they often put you in the position of admitting/acknowledging you just want to get the fuck out which is also rude.

I think a time set by the person whose house it is is the best option... So something like 'Will be great to see you, you can pop by after 3 but we have to go out to take Aurora-Mae to her Ballet class at 5'. Sets a nice easy time frame everyone is aware of in advance.

I think people do this as it benefits them. Whether its company (they're lonely), help with childcare (mammoth play dates), it saves money on heating and food, saves messing up their house (play date), free therapy or, they really enjoy being around you and don't realise.

I have/had a friend like this but with phone calls. In recent years they became 2+ hours and always about her life and problems. Once, all I repeated was 'right, I have to go now' for an hour.

All attempts to end the call were resolved by her. If I needed to go and start dinner, I could just put her on speaker and do it. If I needed the toilet, I could just just take the phone in with me.😯She must have known that the call was over but that I wouldn't just hang up. I really wanted to though.

I didn't intend to end the friendship but I needed to recharge my batteries. After setting a boundary a a couple of times she disappeared. Never heard from her since. That was a 30 year friendship, although I think I was just the therapist towards the end.

Honestly some people don't see an issue with this.

One of my friends and one of my close relatives always tell me that I'm welcome to stay as long as I want at their houses - they've even picked up on me staying for a 'polite' amount of time and have told me I can stay all day and to stop being polite so obviously some people are happy with that.

I can go with the flow sometimes but often am trying to fit lots of things in.
Evenings are the time I'm the most relaxed about having people round. Happy for people to stay all night if they want to.
Think it's very person and upbringing dependent. What I'd say though is that I'd say often it's more about the person enjoying your company more than trying to use your resources.
Lots of people are lonely.

It's not rude in the slightest! Some people could consider you pre-emptively telling them 'I can only pencil you in for this long' or refusing to invite them to your house far ruder.

And, tbh, even if it could be considered rude, over staying your welcome is much worse. As a pp said, sometimes you have to meet brazen behaviour back the same way. People are different, Fulula might be the sort of person who doesn't get hints because her friends and family are very upfront with each other and literally say "sorry time to go now" or "It's been great having you but I'm tired and need to go to bed" so she just assumed until OP tells me to go she's happy to have me here.

She was absolutely being a CF (and she knew it!). But I think the obvious thing to have said after her dinner comment was 'sorry, I don't have anything in to feed everyone' or similar. To be fair, she's that much of a CF she would probably have just said 'ok, they can just have toast' or something!

I think for next time, just set an end limit or meet outside of the home

@Boardgamedust yes exactly, I’ve told people I have a doctors appointment and they say “oh I’ll come with you, you tell them you’re not feeling well and need to lie down and they say “cool I’ll just be quiet and watch tv top you wake up.. can I have your WiFi code?” Some people are unreal.

i wouldn’t stand for it now but when i was younger i was a total doormat but just because someone is lacking confidence or assertiveness it’s still not okay to exploit that!