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AIBU?

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Original poster

I have no words. What do I do?

703 replies

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:19

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

OP posts:
Firenzeflower · 06/01/2025 08:22

He got a dream job with a dream job for you?
And didn’t think to mention it to you?
Gosh.
Well you can go or not go.

LaLatina · 06/01/2025 08:22

I’d regard this as evidence that he was fundamentally unsuited to marriage, if he was secretive, arrogant or/or unthinking enough to keep the entire application process a secret and still assumed you’d accompany him. Off with him. Imagine negotiating a life you didn’t choose on a new continent with a spouse who was that manipulative and secretive.

Haroldwilson · 06/01/2025 08:26

Is it for a set number of years? Could you be long distance without splitting?

Why does he say he didn't tell you? Presumably he had some doubt about whether you'd agree and wanted to present it to you as a fait accompli?

Suzuki76 · 06/01/2025 08:26

This is a damning reflection of what he thinks about your marriage. As in, he thought you'd happily be a trailing spouse, with your wants and needs coming second to his Big Job.

I don't know if it is South America as you've changed details but big no. I might be persuaded if it was somewhere in mainland Europe where I could easily see family and friends or maybe he could do a week/weekend commute.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 06/01/2025 08:26

How dare he do all that behind your back and then just expect you to drop your career and life for him….. it just shows his mentality and how he really views your partnership….. you’re there to serve him, not as an equal

KimberleyClark · 06/01/2025 08:26

He was completely wrong to app,y for a job abroad without consulting you and to assume you’d be happy to give up your life here. That’s not how marriage works.

Motnight · 06/01/2025 08:29

Is he always this controlling?

I am surprised that you have been guaranteed a job that you haven't applied for and haven't even spoken to the employer to be honest.

LaDeeDaDeeDa · 06/01/2025 08:30

Realistically if you plan to have children it makes sense to go with him if you will have a few years out of the work loop raising children.

DurhamDurham · 06/01/2025 08:31

It might well be a dream job for him, and one for you thrown in for good measure. But to do it without mentioning anything is unforgivable. I couldn't get over that.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/01/2025 08:32

This is such a shocking thing to do that it's hard to imagine it came out of the blue. Does DH normally arrange his life as he likes and expect you to tag along? Or is he having some kind of crisis and not thinking straight?
If he can't see how unreasonable he's being, could you involve a trusted friend or relative to help meditate between you?

friskybivalves · 06/01/2025 08:32

Are there DCs involved, as well as DPs on either side, to add into the equation? His assumption that you would give up your own life is already objectionable but how many knock-on effects are there for close relatives?

Titasaducksarse · 06/01/2025 08:33

The Daily Mail????

Stopsnowing · 06/01/2025 08:34

This is very odd. If you have any doubts at all don’t go. And what kind of job did her arrange for you? It can’t be a very high level one of this job was apparently given to you without you even being contacted etc.

Baileysatchristmas · 06/01/2025 08:34

So he made a family decision without consulting you?

Suzuki76 · 06/01/2025 08:35

LaDeeDaDeeDa · 06/01/2025 08:30

Realistically if you plan to have children it makes sense to go with him if you will have a few years out of the work loop raising children.

What?
Who wants to give up their career to move to the other side of the world and raise kids, while their husband works long hours? With no friends/family?

HPandthelastwish · 06/01/2025 08:35

Did he assumed he'd never get it? I can't imagine a role like that didn't include multistage interviews etc in which case he should have told you then once his application went through.

Life is about more than work, so if South America is a placed you'd like to work and you don't have children to uproot, and the job lined up for you is something you'd enjoy I would consider it. Your current role could go into redundancy tomorrow and you'd be out of a job anyway.

But if there are children involved, or you don't want to live in South America or you aren't interested in the job then stay here. Similarly consider any health issues you may have and how easy or not it would be to access help for them over there.

winter8090 · 06/01/2025 08:37

The time for discussion was before he made the application.

You are right to be upset.

Maray1967 · 06/01/2025 08:39

What is it with these men who think their great job abroad trumps everything else? I’ve read the other thread about the bloke who is guilt tripping his partner as she does not wish to go abroad.

Original poster
justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:41

Thanks everyone. I was starting to feel as if I was being unreasonable, so the angry responses are upsetting but validating. To answer some of the questions (I'll try to get them all):

  • No kids in the picture and no plans.
  • Visiting home often isn't an option.
  • It's a permanent move, or as permanent as anything is.
  • He said he didn't tell me because he "already knew I'd be excited to do it" but also because he "knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him.
  • The way I've been offered the job makes sense given the context, but I can't explain without giving a level of detail I'm uncomfortable with, so I'll have to ask you to trust me on that.
OP posts:
Totaleclipseofthemind · 06/01/2025 08:41

Can you get leave from your job for a year?

Explore options that allow you an exit if you want one.

Once you know all your options then make a decision.

Is it some sort of pastoral job or Government job placement?

If there is no exit strategy don’t do it. Either way your marriage is over if you give it a go and feel trapped in a corner or you leave him to go in his own.

LaLatina · 06/01/2025 08:42

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:41

Thanks everyone. I was starting to feel as if I was being unreasonable, so the angry responses are upsetting but validating. To answer some of the questions (I'll try to get them all):

  • No kids in the picture and no plans.
  • Visiting home often isn't an option.
  • It's a permanent move, or as permanent as anything is.
  • He said he didn't tell me because he "already knew I'd be excited to do it" but also because he "knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him.
  • The way I've been offered the job makes sense given the context, but I can't explain without giving a level of detail I'm uncomfortable with, so I'll have to ask you to trust me on that.

I won’t say anything outing, as I respect your desire for privacy, but did you post about this before, giving more details?

lolawasashowgirl · 06/01/2025 08:44

I think that the 'dream' nature of the job or the location is actually irrelevant. It's the fact that he made a life changing decision behind your back and it must be a huge shock for you - I'm so sorry.

Can you think of ANY reason why he would have done this OP?

Original poster
justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:44

Titasaducksarse · 06/01/2025 08:33

The Daily Mail????

Posts sometimes get reported on by the DM or similar sites. Can't imagine why they'd be interested but it does happen, so just in case, I'm hoping if they know the details aren't accurate it may put them off bothering.

OP posts:
Wheresthebeach · 06/01/2025 08:45

Leave before you have kids. You know that he will make life changing decisions and not give you a second thought. You aren’t a partner, you’re an appendage. He is hiding important information as he doesn’t want to hear or consider your views. Run, fast.

Hwi · 06/01/2025 08:45

Motnight · 06/01/2025 08:29

Is he always this controlling?

I am surprised that you have been guaranteed a job that you haven't applied for and haven't even spoken to the employer to be honest.

Such pisstake only happens in the Foreign Office, or the MOD - where they waste taxpayers' money on making spouses feel 'included'.

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