Page 28 | I have no words. What do I do?

snotathing · 11/01/2025 17:05

Sounds like everything is going your husband's way as he planned. You made a few noises, but ultimately seem to accept that he makes decisions for you.

Ezkay · 11/01/2025 18:27

Sorry you've been put in this awful predicament.

Much has been already said about the thoughtlessness of him entering the process without speaking to you about it. That has clearly exposed communication shortcomings and seems to have put a bomb under your entire relationship.

Whatever you decide to do:
a) go with him;
b) don't go with him but remain together
c) split and follow your own career paths;
d) reject the dream offer and stay as you are

... my own similar experience says resentment could eat away at one of you.

Speak to the other people in your life whose opinion you value and who you respect.

Wishing you well in your decision. x

LoyalShaker · 11/01/2025 18:33

I have no words either. Such a major decision and he didn't give you the respect of discussing it with you? Big red flags here I am afraid, especially since you like your life and job here. I can only wish you all the very best, whatever you decide.

Sootyandsheep · 11/01/2025 18:40

Applied for his dream job, and not tell his wife. The question is did he fear an open discussion? Did he secretly hope to not get it. Would you have been told if he had not been successful? What else are you never told.
I think I would wonder if my wife did this to me, did she not consider me. I would be hurt and the wound would go deep.

Lauraanddogs · 11/01/2025 23:09

“some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay,”

LOL 😂

sorry.

Pashmina67 · 12/01/2025 11:19

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:44

Posts sometimes get reported on by the DM or similar sites. Can't imagine why they'd be interested but it does happen, so just in case, I'm hoping if they know the details aren't accurate it may put them off bothering.

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Honestly this is such blatant control, manipulation. He knew it may cause an argument!!!!!! So could a lot of other things, does that make it OK? IF You really were comfortable with any of this you wouldn't be posting. The door you will open if you just do it will be so hard to shut on his behaviour. Good luck for me it would be a no a big fat NO

Olive123456 · 12/01/2025 14:09

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:19

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

Dump him, obviously. Life in the UK is too fantastic to give up.

Olive123456 · 12/01/2025 14:13

Suzuki76 · 06/01/2025 08:35

What?
Who wants to give up their career to move to the other side of the world and raise kids, while their husband works long hours? With no friends/family?

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Lots of people would jump at the chance to be a parent

ItWasnaMeGuv · 12/01/2025 15:40

justwantavirtualhug · 10/01/2025 03:29

Thank you everyone. I haven't talked to my friends or family about this yet, so this thread has really been helping me to work through some of the very up and down emotions I'm experiencing (as you can see, I'm up thinking about this in the middle of the night again).

I've had an initial talk with the employer, who I've realised are genuinely excited to have me come over - I'd be bringing skills and knowledge that they don't have and that they're keen to acquire, and they're enthusiastic about me specifically for various reasons. That has helped as I feel less like I'm just being hired as a sweetener to my husband. I've been open with them about how this has been a surprise to me and that I need some time to think about whether I can take the post, grateful as I am (and I did say how grateful I genuinely am for their generous offer). They are being brilliant and very understanding. One of them even jokingly said "so your husband needs to choose between the job or his wife", which in context meant they were rather worried that this wouldn't come off in the job's favour (my husband had the decency to look embarrassed during this conversation!).

Most importantly, I think: While I'm glad I'm coming across level-headed here, I did get angry with my husband and outlined all the reasons why this was a crappy thing to do to me (this thread really helped to articulate them). I think he hadn't really realised the implications, as he was really upset on my behalf when I explained what it would mean for me. He has apologised a great deal for handling it all very poorly and for not talking to me sooner, he's accepted that whatever happens nothing like this can ever happen again, and he's offered not to take the job. At one point he was insisting that he shouldn't take it, though I said steady on - that I just want to have a conversation as equals with all possibilities on the table. We're now exploring options including some compromises that would allow him to keep the once-in-a-lifetime offer, but with me hanging onto things that I value and hopefully also accepting the new offer for me in some form. I'm not saying we're out of the woods yet but there is a bit of daylight visible.

Thank you yet again. I felt so alone and you have all really helped me.

Thanks for update, OP. Wondering about the possibility of you staying to complete all the projects (your babies ) before moving out to be with husband. Many couples have to manage working away issues similarly, it might be an option for you? Glad you have found clarity here.

Suzuki76 · 12/01/2025 15:59

Olive123456 · 12/01/2025 14:13

Lots of people would jump at the chance to be a parent

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A) Not the OP, as she has said

B) My post was about the circumstances she would be in and you know it.

latetothefisting · 12/01/2025 16:23

Plumedenom · 07/01/2025 23:14

I must live on a different planet from you lot. So he applied for a job he was unlikely to get and boom...he won the lottery. It's not just a job, it's a dream job. And he hasn't made a decision without her. He is telling her, now that it's in his lap "I have a real concrete opportunity here, what do you think? I'd obviously really like to go as it's my dream job". Ok so she didn't know he'd bought the lottery ticket, but now he has won, he's asking what to do with it. And personally I'd take a step back in my career for my husband's dream job, as I know he would also do for me because we've done these things for each other in the past. Marriage is a team game, he obviously thought they'd both benefit in the long term. Fine if he misjudged, she can still say no.

Yes, we come from planet reading comprehension, in a galaxy you don't seem to have visited.

It's nothing like buying a lottery ticket, ffs.
Winning the lottery is less than 1 in a million chance. Applying for a job you are clearly sufficiently qualified for, seeing as he got it, is not some insane unheard of unexpected win there's no point in even mentioning, but is comparatively likely.

Buying a lottery ticket is a one-off decision - you buy the ticket and find out within a few days, whereas getting a high level job involves multiple rounds of preparation, applications and interviews, over the course of weeks, if not months. At each stage he repeatedly made the decision not to tell the OP. Presumably he came home and she asked "had a nice day?" and he just said "yeah fine" and decided not to mention he'd just had an interview for his "life changing" dream job, essentially lying to her face each time.

Now he's got it and he's not "asking" her "what to do with it," i.e. giving her equal say. He has "assumed" she will come with him, "is very distressed" at the suggestion she won't, and is guilt tripping her, saying she is making him choose between his marriage and his career. None of that is the action of a good player in a "team game."

BeanAround · 12/01/2025 16:58

Now he's got it and he's not "asking" her "what to do with it," i.e. giving her equal say. He has "assumed" she will come with him, "is very distressed" at the suggestion she won't, and is guilt tripping her, saying she is making him choose between his marriage and his career. None of that is the action of a good player in a "team game."

The image I have of OP’s DH is the movie trope of the science professor who misses their anniversary dinner because he got caught up with a breakthrough in the lab. That kind of blinkered focus on his work at the expense of consideration of his spouse/family. It reads to me as self-absorption and thoughtlessness rather than deliberately manipulative. Not to say that is not hurtful, and as you say it’s not playing a team game. But to me at least it doesn’t read so much as deceitful or underhand - doing so would have required a level of consideration of OP that I don’t think he had applied.

My own DH has workaholic tendencies and can do things like spring the fact he’s got an overseas trip without any discussion beforehand about whether that will fit in with my work etc. He’s a good man at heart he just doesn’t always think. And yes it’s infuriating and hurtful and has caused some rows.

Obviously the OP’s DH has done something an order of magnitude bigger but that trait of compartmentalising work and home is one I can recognise a bit.

MaggieBsBoat · 12/01/2025 17:03

Chrysanthemum5 · 10/01/2025 08:48

I think he is manipulating you. Offering to give up the job as a way to make you feel guilty and keep inching towards his preferred option of having his new job and also being with you.

This with bells on. There is no way he would make that offer if he thought he’d have to actually do it.
I don’t know how you can get past it to be honest. And I speak as someone who did this myself a few years ago.

godmum56 · 12/01/2025 18:36

BeanAround · 12/01/2025 16:58

Now he's got it and he's not "asking" her "what to do with it," i.e. giving her equal say. He has "assumed" she will come with him, "is very distressed" at the suggestion she won't, and is guilt tripping her, saying she is making him choose between his marriage and his career. None of that is the action of a good player in a "team game."

The image I have of OP’s DH is the movie trope of the science professor who misses their anniversary dinner because he got caught up with a breakthrough in the lab. That kind of blinkered focus on his work at the expense of consideration of his spouse/family. It reads to me as self-absorption and thoughtlessness rather than deliberately manipulative. Not to say that is not hurtful, and as you say it’s not playing a team game. But to me at least it doesn’t read so much as deceitful or underhand - doing so would have required a level of consideration of OP that I don’t think he had applied.

My own DH has workaholic tendencies and can do things like spring the fact he’s got an overseas trip without any discussion beforehand about whether that will fit in with my work etc. He’s a good man at heart he just doesn’t always think. And yes it’s infuriating and hurtful and has caused some rows.

Obviously the OP’s DH has done something an order of magnitude bigger but that trait of compartmentalising work and home is one I can recognise a bit.

I could get that if the decision was over a short time space.....like needing to do a trip....single decision point.....but it seems evident that this kind of thing would happen over several days/weeks....apply for job.....get shortlisted....the interview or interviews....and over all the time he was coming home and NOT SAYING A WORD. Lying by omission if you will.

InterestedDad37 · 12/01/2025 20:39

He's absolutely wrong, without question, to not have included you in the process from the very start ... as in "I'm thinking of applying for this job, and these are the possible outcomes, what do you think?"
And then to put the responsibility for the decision in your court in also a massive no-no.
You are absolutely right to bat it back to him and say that the decision between job/marriage is his.
Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.

Mumindevon · 13/01/2025 10:13

The fact that he applied for a job and made arrangements without discussing them with you makes me think he may have just made up the story about there being a job for you to appease you. Sit down with him and ask hm to explain exactly what he has done and how it all came about. For him to do all this and make arrangements for you tells me he is controlling, thoughtless, insensitive and selfish.

Pashmina67 · 13/01/2025 10:36

ItWasnaMeGuv · 12/01/2025 15:40

Thanks for update, OP. Wondering about the possibility of you staying to complete all the projects (your babies ) before moving out to be with husband. Many couples have to manage working away issues similarly, it might be an option for you? Glad you have found clarity here.

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Bless you once your there all bets are off, your isolated & options gone. It's a risk a gamble your the player here as they say the bookie always wins!!!

FinallyHere · 13/01/2025 11:04

@Olive123456

Lots of people would jump at the chance to be a parent

I sincerely hope no one would think that a partner who took unilateral decisions and resorted to manipulation to get his own way would be a fit and proper person to be a parent. And would feel very sorry indeed for anyone do desperate to be a parent that they would accept his approach.

Being entirely dependent on someone so selfish and self centred would be a very vulnerable place to be, especially with DC in the picture.

Grandmainwiltshire · 13/01/2025 20:13

Why not just go along with it?
Everyone sounds indignant on your behalf, but seriously, why lose everything by not going there together and taking up the opportunity, it might be the best decision you ever made, who knows?
I believe in saying yes to things, which leads to wider horizons and more prosperity, than refusing opportunity which leads to narrowing up and less prosperity.
If husband wants you to go why not just go?

latetothefisting · 13/01/2025 20:57

Grandmainwiltshire · 13/01/2025 20:13

Why not just go along with it?
Everyone sounds indignant on your behalf, but seriously, why lose everything by not going there together and taking up the opportunity, it might be the best decision you ever made, who knows?
I believe in saying yes to things, which leads to wider horizons and more prosperity, than refusing opportunity which leads to narrowing up and less prosperity.
If husband wants you to go why not just go?

"If husband wants you to go why not just go?"

because it's no longer 1942, her husband isn't the "head of the household" and OP is an autonomous individual with her own life, family, friends and career, which would be affected by the move, i.e. her husband isn't her "everything."

what else do you think women should do if their husband "wants"?
stop talking to her friends? wear the clothes he picks out? wear make up every day? stop taking the pill? stop making eye contact or speaking to other men? walk one step behind him? cancel her bank account?

unbelievable. are you sure you're not a great-great grandma in wiltshire with archaic views like that?

godmum56 · 13/01/2025 20:58

Mumindevon · 13/01/2025 10:13

The fact that he applied for a job and made arrangements without discussing them with you makes me think he may have just made up the story about there being a job for you to appease you. Sit down with him and ask hm to explain exactly what he has done and how it all came about. For him to do all this and make arrangements for you tells me he is controlling, thoughtless, insensitive and selfish.

company have confirmed there is a job.

Suzuki76 · 13/01/2025 21:03

Grandmainwiltshire · 13/01/2025 20:13

Why not just go along with it?
Everyone sounds indignant on your behalf, but seriously, why lose everything by not going there together and taking up the opportunity, it might be the best decision you ever made, who knows?
I believe in saying yes to things, which leads to wider horizons and more prosperity, than refusing opportunity which leads to narrowing up and less prosperity.
If husband wants you to go why not just go?

Because she has her own mind and isn't a subservient wet lettuce who sees her needs as inferior because she's a woman. Maybe?

Pashmina67 · 13/01/2025 21:08

latetothefisting · 13/01/2025 20:57

"If husband wants you to go why not just go?"

because it's no longer 1942, her husband isn't the "head of the household" and OP is an autonomous individual with her own life, family, friends and career, which would be affected by the move, i.e. her husband isn't her "everything."

what else do you think women should do if their husband "wants"?
stop talking to her friends? wear the clothes he picks out? wear make up every day? stop taking the pill? stop making eye contact or speaking to other men? walk one step behind him? cancel her bank account?

unbelievable. are you sure you're not a great-great grandma in wiltshire with archaic views like that?

Edited

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You go there we are also allowed to vote lol

CRCGran · 14/01/2025 12:28

I'd wonder what else he's not been telling you ???

Nantescalling · 28/01/2025 20:29

You mentioned that he 'very unexpectedly got' a job. Maybe he wasn't being secretive and some of the other things people have written on here but rather he didn't want to get your hopes up since he didn't expect to get hired. How do you think he would have reacted if the boot were on the other foot? If he had mentioned it beforehand would you have said to go for it or not?