I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

This is a symptom of a bigger issue. If he saw you as a team he would have told you before even applying.
He doesn't value you or your contribution to your life together. He is the priority and he expects you to think that too

She doesn’t say anything about it’s her dream job. A ‘generous job’

I haven't posted about this before, but thank you for being so considerate just in case it had been.

This ^

He clearly has no respect for you and your marriage is not a partnership. He’s distressed because you might not go and you’re not being fair to make him choose? So he’s putting it all on you either way. You either get in line and do what he wants when he has made life altering decisions for you secretly or you have autonomy and make your own mind up-which sounds to me like a no; and then he will hold it over you and is emotionally blackmailing you. Fuck that shit. Tell him to go. Live your life as you plan. Find a partner who is actually a partner.

It would be over for me. I like travelling so even if I actually wanted to go I wouldn't because he's just been such a smug dick about it.

Whilst I do agree with all the angry responses just thinking of his thought pattern, maybe he thought you’d love the opportunity and didn’t really think he’d get the job so applied without saying so as not to get your hopes up for you to be disappointed, yet now he’s got it by surprise he’s had to land it on your lap. Yes his thought pattern was a bit flawed but possibly came from a good place and good intentions. I know that doesn’t help now but he wasn’t necessarily trying to blindside you

I would be very upset he had not discussed earlier in the application process. I would want an apology for that and reassurances he understands my point of view and will not do anything like this again.

If that happens i would then approach as i would if he told me he was applying. What is best for you both and what do you both want to do. Hopefully you both feel same way but if not then it is a choice between marriage or stay/move.

Nobody gets to decide where I live and what job I do, but me! These are fundamental life choices - he is not in charge.

I'd be annoyed, but personally I'd say fuck it and go, but for a set amount of time only eg 18 months - 2 years and make that very clear up front. It sounds like an interesting opportunity/ adventure and one that may not come up again.

I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do!

Absolutely this OP, he is being very unfair. Is he going with or without you? It would be a “without” for me, no relationship would be worth me giving up everything else in my life. Plus I would not like the controlling aspect of having it thrust upon me.

Ingrained misogyny.

It's okay for him to demand you put marriage over your career, but oh the outrage when you tell him he's facing the same decision, marriage of your career. Compounded by him not even thinking it was the kind of decision that needed to be discussed with you in the first place.

Do what you want to do, OP, what you feel is best for your future. If that means he goes alone or doesn't go at all, so be it.

Well, he clearly thinks he's more important. These fucking men. Selfish.

I’d be furious. Absolutely furious. How bloody dare he not consult me and if ever tried that line about he knew I’d love it I’d lose it - YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING LIAR, YOUVE ALREADY SAID YOU DIDNT CONSULT ME BECAUSE YOU DIDNT WANT AN ARGUMENT. Well done you huge success on avoiding an argument give yourself a pat on the fucking back. Now I know you are perfectly happy to hide things and lie to me if it benefits you why would I so much as walk out the front door with you?? Im not your fucking social accessory.

it would all be just as angry I just got tired of caps lock on my phone 😁

Would you say he is controlling or disregards your opinion normally? That would inform my response.

Just my opinion but it does sound kind of exciting. An adventure. Opportunities to travel and live in other parts of the world don’t come up everyday. So maybe consider it (IF you feel he is a good partner generally).

But equally you don’t need to feel pressured into it just because he’s arranged it. It is your life!

So he knew you wouldn't be happy, and this would force him to choose between his career and his marriage, so he has ignored all this and not mentioned anything to you so the make or break decision of job or marriage has conveniently been passed to you, so you will be at fault if you don't go with him and the marriage ends, not him?

How cunning of him.

The whole act of planning and taking this job without telling you would be a reason in itself to call time op. I can't believe he has planned an overseas move without including you. That in itself is a cause for concern.

nope, i worked for a consulting company and when we decided to open an overseas branch office we sent a very highly qualified chap, and then the company hired his wife as office manager - she worked in a completely unrelated field - as a sweetener to the deal (no children)

That branch office is now hugely successful, and since then they have offered similar sweeteners to get high quality people where they need/want them.

OP in your case is it very clear that this will kybosh your career? if so then you need to make your DH's argument back to him: dream job or marriage? and then you can part ways if he doesn't see the enormity of what he has done - or whichever way you decide to go.

• ‘He said he didn't tell me because he "already knew I'd be excited to do it" but also because he "knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him.‘

The question is, are you prepared to hand over your free will and any control that you have in your life, to this man? For this is what he is currently taking.

This is exactly how I would feel.

Not to mention he's had a very long time to think about what this would all mean for HIM and how much HE wants this opportunity ... ever since he decided to apply, and interview and hoped he'd get it and now got it!

Whereas he's just sprung it on you as a done deal and thinks you should just be able to quit your life and decide instantly!

What a selfish arse. Seriously. What a selfish arse.

I would be unhappy with this.
I can understand him initially applying and keeping quiet, perhaps not believing he would be considered. But once selected for interview he should have told you and given you both time to discuss it.
I think he may have done this deliberately as now it looks like you are the bad guy, not letting him follow his dreams, preventing him from this amazing job if he turns it down and this is the story he will tell family/friends.

Oooh yes this. Ask him when it came up and say ok you’ve had 2 months to think, the only reason I haven’t is because you’re too fucking self centred, I’ll give you my answer in 2 months.

It’s very smart of him to spring this on you AFTER the offer has come through. It’s much harder for you to make him turn down a dream job in hand than to mutually discuss a hypothetical country & job move on an equal footing.

If you don’t want to go I’d say to him that the only reason you are turning it down is due to the secretive nature of how he went about it, just so he knows his coercive plan has blown up in his face.

I think his secrecy is a very big red flag. This isn't a weekend away. It may be a wonderful opportunity but you shouldn't be pushed/coerced into it and it feels like with the secrecy that is exactly what he's done.

So he wants to change your entire life and didn't discuss it with you beforehand? Madness, absolute madness.

This level of arrogance, and deliberately keeping you out of the decision is the sign of a controlling dickhead

I'd be sending him off overseas, and divorcing the wanker. Fuck him, he's a bellend