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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have no words. What do I do?

703 replies

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:19

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

OP posts:
Chucklecheeks01 · 06/01/2025 09:42

I think if you look deeper, he doesn't actually care if you go or not. He just doesn't want to be the one that ends things. He has made you the bad guy in this. No matter what you chose it will reflect (in his eyes) badly on you.

You go, and you will be resentful and told that you never really gave it a chance.

If you don't go, you are the one that ended a marriage. He did all this for your family, even got you a wonderful job and look how you repay him.

You will never be an equal partner in your marriage.

ElizaMulvil · 06/01/2025 09:43

Well your marriage is over ( if indeed it has ever been a marriage as you would understand it) whether you realise it now or you take a few months / many years to realise it.

I had a relative married to a similar man who had her trailing off after him to USA, Asia etc. ( She had several kids though to make it worse- it ruined their education too). It ground her down, knowing how little she was valued. They split after 15 years of her self esteem being at nil.

Also a friend followed husband to Europe, had to abandon her job/career. Again after 3 children and many years of having no say in her own life they divorced ( and again children's education ruined).

You now know that your opinion, career, feelings are irrelevant to him.

Didimum · 06/01/2025 09:43

He’s done this to force you into it and because he thinks nothing of your feelings when they are pitted against his.

Think carefully about how you feel being married to a man that uses force on you and who 100% disregards your feelings and desires in life.

This isn’t ’being prone to main character syndrome’.

AnonyMouse80 · 06/01/2025 09:44

I agree with people who have said you should consider whether you would have been open to the move if he had gone about it openly,

If it still would have been a no, then that’s your answer.

If you would have been open to it, how much does his behaviour and secrecy change that? Can you get past it or is it a deal breaker? If you’re making a big move like this you need to be able to trust that you’re going in as equal partners, and that if it didn’t work for one of you, you’d both return. He may well have broken your trust on that.

He’s been incredibly stupid - I assume that now he’s been offered the job it’s either now or never. If he turns it down he’s unlikely to have the opportunity again in a few years time when it’s better for you. Whereas presumably if he’d discussed this with you earlier he could have kept his powder dry and applied down the track. None of that’s on you, that’s his very poor decision making, so don’t let that be a reason for him to put pressure on you.

Bluevelvetsofa · 06/01/2025 09:45

I don’t know whether the location is one of the details you’ve changed, but if the move was to a place I wanted to go to, I might give it more consideration. If it’s somewhere I’m not interested in seeing, it would be a no.

I think that a secondment for a couple of years or so, is a very different prospect than a permanent move. I’d be prepared to go, knowing that there would be an end date, but permanent seems very different.
Ed
Its fundamentally changed your relationship though, because a partner making a decision so big, without consultation, says to me that he regards himself as the important person in the marriage. He doesn’t really know you OP.

Naunet · 06/01/2025 09:45

custardpyjamas · 06/01/2025 09:26

Sounds great why not go?

Did you not read how her career will be negatively impacted?

Waterbaby41 · 06/01/2025 09:46

You are right to be angry with this being sprung on you. So allow yourself to be angry! And then take a deep breath and write down all the pros and cons of taking this opportunity, this will help you make a rational decision,without the heat of the emotion that is upper hand right now. Good luck with whatever you decide.

BarbaraHoward · 06/01/2025 09:46

How devastating OP. You should be making these decisions as a team and the fact that he did it unilaterally and didn't think you'd have a problem with that would be a potential deal breaker for me.

BigDeepBreaths · 06/01/2025 09:46

2 big questions :

1.Do you want the new job? If not, do you want to quit your career here and support your DH overseas as an expat wife? If that is, and never was, part of the plan, I don’t see how you can go.

If the job sounds interesting and you can accept the career limiting aspect of it and ‘might’ consider the move, you need to get a commitment from your DH that you both address his decision making and how wrong it is and set clear boundaries on this for future. Tbh based on what youve written I would not have much faith in this but you know your DH best.

2.Can you get over not just his behaviour but his dismissive attitude about it (“i forgot…you should be excited etc…”)? Whatever your decision is, he has acted in a way that is totally agaisnt what relationships and marriage are about. You sound like a strong and independent person and he has been higely disrespectful of this. Why?

I doesnt matter what you previously agreed to maybe do at a future date. Change of job and residency is fundamentally a joint decision, from the get go!

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 06/01/2025 09:47

“agreed that "one day" had to be at least several years away because it would screw up my career to do it sooner.”

Purely based on this, I think I’d say no. You had already talked about it and he had full knowledge that doing it now would ‘screw up’ your career but he did it anyway, he did not care about your career being screwed up or not. Your career did not matter to him and he thought his career was more important in his marriage than his actual wife.

Plus, he did it without asking??? 🤣. How would he like it if you did something like this, something that would screw his career, and then presented it as a done deal? How would he react to that?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 06/01/2025 09:47

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 09:42

Thanks again everyone for all the comments. A few people have asked how I'd have felt if he'd asked in advance or if he'd let me know he wanted to apply. It would still have meant a sacrifice for me, which we'd already agreed not to make at this point (but probably down the line). It would have been a lot easier to consider taking a hit sooner for a husband who had included me and treated me like an equal. I'm genuinely proud of him for getting this amazing job, despite the way he's gone about it, and we could have thought about it together. But I just feel so manipulated and upset.

What’s his justification for expecting you to take a career hit for him when he wouldn’t do the same for you?

Chicaontour · 06/01/2025 09:47

I am sorry your husband is so pathologically selfish, so I presume that he wasn't automatically given the job after applying so this means that he spent time on his CV and applied for the job, spent time prepping for the interview, did the interview or interviews, got it and only then told you about it and presented it a a 'fait compli' . This is next level main character syndrome. He has shown you such disrespect that unfortunately i do not see a happy marriage. If you go, prepare to be very resentful, you will end up trailing around after him and your career will suffer. Chances are that he wont really acknowledge the sacrifices that you are making for him. I am sorry that you are married to such a selfish prick, this is way way worse than a drunken one night stand. His actions have shown that you are only an accessory in his life.

Tubetrain · 06/01/2025 09:49

"He said he didn't tell me because he "already knew I'd be excited to do it" but also because he "knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him"

If someone treated me in that way, it would be the end of the marriage @justwantavirtualhug Let him go, you stay. He doens't give a shit about you.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 06/01/2025 09:49

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 08:41

Thanks everyone. I was starting to feel as if I was being unreasonable, so the angry responses are upsetting but validating. To answer some of the questions (I'll try to get them all):

  • No kids in the picture and no plans.
  • Visiting home often isn't an option.
  • It's a permanent move, or as permanent as anything is.
  • He said he didn't tell me because he "already knew I'd be excited to do it" but also because he "knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him.
  • The way I've been offered the job makes sense given the context, but I can't explain without giving a level of detail I'm uncomfortable with, so I'll have to ask you to trust me on that.
  • He said he didn't tell me because he "already knew I'd be excited to do it" but also because he "knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him.

Have you pointed out the discrepancy between these two positions? As both things can’t be true. Also, neither of them is actually an acceptable reason for not telling you.

KeepinOn · 06/01/2025 09:49

So he's basically torpedoed any trust you would HAVE TO HAVE IN HIM in order to be happy being a trailing spouse in the first place. What other major life decisions will he make behind your back when you are out of your home country and severed from your support network...?? The trouble is, you don't know.

What you do know is that he is capable of this much. And this much is enough to call things quits with him, sadly.

HomeTheatreSystem · 06/01/2025 09:50

justwantavirtualhug · 06/01/2025 09:42

Thanks again everyone for all the comments. A few people have asked how I'd have felt if he'd asked in advance or if he'd let me know he wanted to apply. It would still have meant a sacrifice for me, which we'd already agreed not to make at this point (but probably down the line). It would have been a lot easier to consider taking a hit sooner for a husband who had included me and treated me like an equal. I'm genuinely proud of him for getting this amazing job, despite the way he's gone about it, and we could have thought about it together. But I just feel so manipulated and upset.

Sadly, if you go with him, you effectively "reward" the devious way he went about it. I can see that not panning out very well for you in the long term.

Lyra87 · 06/01/2025 09:50

I think this would be in marriage ending territory for me. It's not just that he didn't tell you he applied, he went through all the motions and organised a job for you. He lied, is continuing to lie to you, and he obviously hoped that by springing this on you that he could strong arm you into going. It's a major lack of respect and it would take a lot of counselling and hard work on his part to come back from this. On principal, I would refuse to go as this could become a pattern that he can make these decisions without your input.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/01/2025 09:51

If you go he will do this to you for the rest of your lives together, you will always come second to his whims and wants.
He renegaded on the plan you made together and wants you to take a big hit on your career to suit himself, presenting it to you as a fait au complet so it's harder for you to say no.

Say no, you will regret being tied to this man eventually he has no considerations for you, this isn't a marriage.

CraftyYankee · 06/01/2025 09:52

He forgot that you had a conversation and said no?

Two choices here

  1. He genuinely forgot about the conversation, in which case he is not someone who prioritizes you and your needs

  2. He lied, remembered the conversation and just didn't care about you and what you want when it's inconvenient for him.

Either way this is not someone to follow halfway around the world.

DodoTired · 06/01/2025 09:53

Wow that’s massive. I would be super pissed off. and I would treat it as a very bad sign of situation in my marriage (either he doesn’t respect my agency or actually is prepared to end the marriage)

I would recommend family therapist to discuss this, urgently.

LemonTT · 06/01/2025 09:53

Hwi · 06/01/2025 08:45

Such pisstake only happens in the Foreign Office, or the MOD - where they waste taxpayers' money on making spouses feel 'included'.

Show quote history

To be fair it goes with the territory and would be something you know going into the marriage and relationship. It’s built into their life plan and this type of move is something you expect and want to happen.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 06/01/2025 09:54
  • He said he didn't tell me because he "already knew I'd be excited to do it" but also because he "knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him.
Well one of these has to be a lie. I can’t believe he did such a huge, life changing thing without discussing it all with you first. You could suggest he goes ahead and starts his new job and you’ll see how you feel after 2 months?
Relaxd · 06/01/2025 09:55

It’s a family not an individual decision. I did similar, I guess thinking it wouldn’t happen, and we ended up turning it down as I had not thought it all through fully for both of us and things like both our visas etc soon highlighted issues and that it wouldn’t work well for ‘both’ of us. There are lots of things to weigh up fast so start doing that together. If it doesn’t stack up you don’t go. This process very much helped us work out what would work and I’m pleased to say we are now very happily based overseas a few years later after approaching it as a team. I’ve seen many couples split under the pressure of the overseas move (the job is the very least of the challenges) so you shouldn’t take this lightly. Make sure you understand what you get in terms of support too - will you get an allowance, healthcare, flights home, language training etc? Good luck!

Wibblywobblybobbly · 06/01/2025 09:56

I can understand not telling a spouse about a job that you think you're overreaching for and don't think you will get. I've considered this in the past when I've felt very nervous about applying for something and don't want to talk about it, just keep it to myself. Partly I guess because I prefer to deal with potential failure on my own.

But I would never dream of doing that if the potential new job would have a significant impact on my spouse, let alone if it would involve them moving internationally. That's a big decision which both parties need to enter into willingly.

Menopausalprincess · 06/01/2025 09:56

Setting off as a team to make a new life in a new country is exciting - but only if you both/all know you can 100% rely on each other. There’s no way I’d be doing that with someone I couldn’t trust. Sorry this has happened to you OP, it would be a deal breaker for me..

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