I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

Sounds great why not go?

I think the difficult thing is 'permanently'. I spent many years abroad with my husband's job but they were always temporary contracts with the option to come back to the UK which we eventually did. I don't think I would have gone if it had been a permanent positiion.

She's said why not - because it would negatively affect her career.

Also, I would be very wary that if you agreed to the move, you are essentially approving him making plans and decisions without your knowledge or consent in the future on any scale - how could you manage not knowing what he may be planning at any point for your future, especially on another country if he made a similar plan?

I think you’re right to be bothered that he didn’t tell you. But at the same time, I can see how these things can escalate rapidly from an initial conversation to an offer.

When I was offered an international assignment, the first thing I said was ‘in principle sounds great but my partner and I need to make a decision on practicalities together’.

I went straight home and discussed it. And this was a temporary assignment, so it’s concerning he mentioned nothing of it.

That said, I think I’d be a little free spirited about it and embrace the adventure. It won’t be negative to your career even if it’s a lateral move, because the experience you’ll get from an international perspective will give you a genuine edge / advantage. The intl assignment made my CV far more interesting to companies.

I guess it depends on the dynamic of your marriage otherwise.

I think you've already got to the nub of it here:
"I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do"

Men assume that their careers will always be prioritised. The fact he did all this in secret would be difficult for me to get over.

@justwantavirtualhug am so sorry you feel so alone. Would you take the opportunity abroad if you were on your own or even if your marriage failed whilst you were there? If the answer is yes then it might be worth the risk.

The secrecy is stupid of him. He should have discussed it first.

But as it has happened, ultimately one of you will need to make the sacrifice if you want to stay together. Either you (and him) giving up your current life for a new one or him giving up the job This often happens; one person gives up their life to move to be with the other one and it's obviously only you that can judge whether it's worth it and whether you can make a life abroad. It is a big step.

This decision shouldn’t be on you. I would tell him I’m not going and it’s down to him to choose between his career and his marriage.

This is a shit move on his part, and personally I would not be going with him. Ask him what he would do if this pulled this stunt?

it is misogyny up to and including the part where he’s seen fit to decide what role his company can give YOU to keep you sweet without actually asking you if you’d want to move, leave your life and job and have this job!

Sorry OP. My DP pulled something not dissimilar by agreeing to take a role without consulting me that meant loads of travel away from home. I was told about 3/4 of the way through when it was pretty much settled.
It nearly destroyed our marriage, meant DP barely saw our kids for 2/3 years and caused massive resentment. DP now massively regrets it. Counselling juts about saved our relationship - and made DP realised why they’d been unreasonable - but there will always be a little bit of me that doesn’t quite trust DP not to put their own wants before our families.

Just tell him you aren’t going. That was a prick move.

Personally, I’d be up for the adventure BUT him keeping it all a secret and then being defensive about it is a bit of a red flag. To move to the other side of the world your marriage needs to be solid and you need to be a team. I think the secret/lying nature of the whole application process would worry me that I can’t trust him

Oh and he didn’t ‘forget’ to tell you. This would have been a while process at work j causing interviews, presentations etc

He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you telling him you were happy and not up for moving continents. So rather than risk not getting what he wanted, and spending time getting you on board with the idea of an ‘adventure’ he just went ahead.

I'm 73 and retired so perhaps have a different way of looking at this. Yes, he should have discussed it with you first (MOH hates confrontation so would probably see why he didn't say anything in case it came to nothing) and I can see why you are upset. Firstly, if you are able to take your (justifiable) negative feelings about the deceit out of the equation, if he had talked it over first what would your answer have been? Secondly, thinking with your logical head and not your hurt heart, would this be a good/exciting/profitable move for you both? In other words, is it worth thinking about it before you rush in and end it all? I've learnt over time that it's not about losers and winners or hurt pride, but about the future. Good luck with whatever you decide 💐

It’s not a dream job for OP - OP clearly stated that it would negatively affect their career!!!

I can understand him applying for a job he thought he might not get on a whim - but it is very unlikely, it was just one interview and and offer - and even if it was, the time to tell you was when they didn't automatically dismiss his application.

Also as it is abroad they will have discussed with him, if he (and his family) are happy to relocate so he has discussed this with them but not you.

If he had let you know he was applying and how it was going - would this make any difference to your decision to go?If it was going to damage my career then I would not go - he is the one who is trying to change the current situation.

I suspect if you do go along with it - this will be the beginning of him assuming he can make decisions which impact you both without consulting you before hand.

I moved abroad for a short term contract many years ago. I stayed. I would do it again for the adventure, however I get that your DH has been disrespectful to you and that is hard. Only you can decide if you do want to travel that far.

My main piece of advice is that should you decide to go, you do not sell up before you leave. Rent out your home so you have somewhere to come back to if things do not work out.

That - and to tell your DH that he is NEVER going to pull a stunt like that again.

My first thought was also - why did he keep this from you? The reasons you report are disturbing.

He said he didn't tell me because he "already knew I'd be excited to do it" but also because he "knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him.

So the first answer says "because I know you better than you know yourself and I don't need to consult you or even tell you" and the second answer says "It doesn't matter what you think or how you feel just shut up and do what I want and smile. Oh, and I'll hide important things from you to get what I want without a fuss". Plus he "forgot" about a previous conversation where you told him that what he wants didn't suit you. "Forgetting" what you actually want is convenient for him. He gets to do what he wants instead and pretend it's also what you want and what a great guy he is.

Each of those answers separately says "I am controlling and dishonest" and together they say "Dump him". Tell him "yep, lovely opportunity for you, off you fuck. Send a postcard".

I think, understandably, you’re in shock right now so I wouldn’t make hasty decisions. How soon would he be expected to start?
if you were up for it could be an exciting move.
would the impact on your career be as bad as you think or might the overseas experience actually enhance your CV?
I have friends who were in a similar situation (but discussed before he applied) and she stayed here to maintain her career - however it was in education so she Was able to fly out for all the holidays. So it can work. I also know people who made the leap, sometimes not over enthusiastically and found fabulous new opportunities and challenges.
Take your time to decide.

Just to support the OP about the job this idea of giving the trailing spouse a job was very common in universities and may still happen. Also I had a friend who was a medic and her husband was offered a dream role as a surgeon overseas but part of the deal was that my friend had to agree to take a role as a GP in a very deprived area where they couldn't get medics to work. They went because he agreed it all on her behalf!

You've already said to him that he is making you choose between your marriage and a career and he's been very clear he expects you to prioritise the marriage (in a way which he is clearly not willing to do). I think the relationship is done because if you go you will always be wondering about what is the next 'surprise' he will land on you.

I know you've said no plans for children which is good because he is showing you that nothing will be more important than him

The thing about his reasoning is that it is deeply flawed.

If you would be happy about going and happy that he had organised the new job for you why would it cause an argument?
If he knew that you wouldn't be happy about going, or happy that he had organised the job for you, of course it was going to cause an argument because you would essentially be dropping everything you have dear to you, to move half-way around the world for his job as your job would be considered a 'nice to have' or a job for the little woman so you would be completely understandable in your anger and frustration towards this man.

I think you have to have a long hard think - very unlike what he has presented you with. Take your time to decide what is right for you as he clearly hasn't a bloody idea what is right for you. You get to decide that. Not him.

Take as much time as you need. Do what is right FOR YOU. If that means staying, that means staying and you have your network of friends and support right there. It has to be right though for you.

Best of luck making your choice.

Based on this, you remind him of this conversation and tell him it's not an option for you to go at this point.

You could consider him going and doing a long distance relationship till the point when it might make sense for you to go there as well. But that's a big ask of both of you.

But ultimately, you made a decision that it wasn't an option at this stage, so he needs to understand that he has reneged on that agreement.

Personally, I wouldn't go if my career was important to me, and I also would struggle to get over the lying and attitude he's displaying now.

He didn't consider you at all. I would find it hard to get past that. This is huge.

Wow. That's inconsiderate to say the least and I would be seriously questioning the relationship.

I would take a step back and think about YOU first:
(i) is the job offered to you something you would seriously consider given the location and opportunities
(ii) what would life look like if you do not go.

Then you have choices:
(i) go
(ii) don't go and split
(iii) he doesn't go and life carries on as you are for now.

In any case with all three options there needs to be alot of discussion and understanding on both sides. Certainly with options 1 and 3 one or other of you will be resentful and you would need to work thru that.

Sorry that you have been put in this position, its unacceptable that he just presented the fait accompli.

thsi is a whole FIELD of red flags. My late DH got a similar offer from his public sector employer and he told me at the point of "I have been approached to apply for this"

In fact, he's already chosen, and he chose his career.

Thanks again everyone for all the comments. A few people have asked how I'd have felt if he'd asked in advance or if he'd let me know he wanted to apply. It would still have meant a sacrifice for me, which we'd already agreed not to make at this point (but probably down the line). It would have been a lot easier to consider taking a hit sooner for a husband who had included me and treated me like an equal. I'm genuinely proud of him for getting this amazing job, despite the way he's gone about it, and we could have thought about it together. But I just feel so manipulated and upset.