I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

I would be so upset about this. So upset I think it would be the beginning of the end.

And, he forgot so well that he remembered enough to not tell you he was applying. What a selfish selfish tosser.

So he's a bald faced liar also. Of course he didn't forget. He just didn't care that it might mess up your career. It's all about him. Sorry this is happening to you, OP. This is one extremely self centered, selfish men. I would seriously reconsider this marriage. Best of luck to you.

Well he's very clearly shown you that his career comes before you, hasn't he?

Genuinely good to hear, if private companies do this sort of thing. Clearly must be well thought out and not loss-making. I stand corrected.

He has zero respect for you. I'd be starting divorce proceedings.

Understand that. The only questionable thing is imagining that the daily mail consider that inaccurate details would prevent them publishing a story. Not sure fact checking is their priority!

But back to your life. It’s a really tough one. If you’re happy where you are, your job, your friends and family and community - I’d be loathe to disrupt it all. Particularly given the job for you is a step down and you’ve no network of friends and Family there. I can imagine a scenario in future where he loves it and you don’t, stranded in a place you dislike and feel lonely.

There’s the other scenario where you’ll love it and the adventure. Make a whole new life, friends and work fulfilment.

The real question is whether it’s worth the risk.

There’s the option he goes ahead on his own, give it a year and see how it works out, he might make a life you want to join, or not.

Of course this issue is made by him not discussing any of this with you. Discussions that could’ve taken place before he applied.

Not sure what I’d do, apart from definitely be cross he didn’t discuss it first and the consequences of this. He didn’t think about you at all. Was he blinded by anticipation. Is that an excuse. So tricky.

x

He's shown you very clearly that his priorities are his career first and his marriage and everything else second. And also that he expects your priorities to be his career first, and your marriage and anything you want second.
He knew you wouldn't want to go, which is why he didn't tell you.
If you go with him, you've basically accepted those terms, so it'll be his career first forevermore, and you'll be expected to trail after him like a servant. And you'll also have also accepted that his duplicity is OK.
A clean divorce with no kids, retaining your own career, independence and social network would seem infinitely preferable.

He said he didn't tell me because he "already knew I'd be excited to do it" but also because he "knew it would cause an argument" depending when I asked him.

Surely it's either that he's sure you'll be excited to do it, or that he's worried it will cause an argument. How can it be both? That's ridiculous. He obviously knew you would be upset.

He sounds really controlling. It's incredibly underhand to go and get the job first without telling you, and it puts you in a very pressured position. He knows this - that's exactly why he did it, as he thought you'd be more likely to go along with it this way.

If my husband did this I would be seriously reviewing whether I wanted to remain married.

You are certainly under no obligation to say yes. He can't just go and make massive life moves on your behalf without consulting you. Stand your ground.

I wouldn't be able to get past the fact that he negotiated a job on my behalf without telling me. He doesn't see you as a human being with agency but, rather, as a problem to be solved.

If it were me I wouldn't go. You have your own career which seems to be very important to you. Let him go to his 'dream job' and decide whether you want to continue in this relationship. You don't have DC so could cut your losses relatively easily.

How fucking DARE he? It show he has no respect for you OP, the fact that he has done all this behind your back and expects you to dutifully follow his lead and be grateful.

It would be game over for me. Let him sod off on his own. Go along with this and it's the green light for him to ride roughshod over you forevermore. Though I'm not sure what else he could do to top this TBH.

Given he’s already shown he’s not relationship focused and not a “team player”, I’d be a bit concerned that your marriage won’t last. In which case you don’t want to have sacrificed your career for nothing, at the time when it’s most important.
He’s shown, it’s all about him! Go if you want to, but go with your eyes wide open.

I’m a woman. I did. We ended up divorced after relocating. All I can say about it is it was an incredibly selfish thing of me to do. A mistake. He is happier now but still…

If he has applied and got it and now you're making the joint decision as a couple whether to go or not I think that's ok.
If he's saying sort of 'stuff you, I'm going whether you are coming or not' that's a different story.
I think I'd be annoyed he didn't share that he applied in the first place but I can sort of see why he might not mention it if was very unlikely anything would come of it. If you fancy and adventure then go for it.

Or as a chattel

A dream which didn't include his wife.
That says a lot.

when does he have to give his final answer about his job? Is his job contingent on you going and taking your job that they have offered? When does he have to start?
Is accommodation etc included? I was one who mentioned their company had done this kind of deal. We included 3 return business class flights back for each partner (not necessarily taken at the same time) and the guarantee of Christmas and New Year in the home country. (this last was added by the very first trailing spouse, and it was agreed to after a bit of back and forth and an agreement to WFH during the public holidays)

etc etc etc. I would want at least 2 months to read and inwardly digest.

(the only way i'd even consider this, btw, is if it was the early 80s and he was going as military attaché to Moscow and i got to go and be a part-time spy too. OTOH i am not wedded to my job/profession and i can pretty much do anything anywhere so i would be sorely tempted by this offer absent all the secrecy)

Going against the grain here, though only you know whether he deserves the benefit of doubt as to his motives. I could very much imagine a situation of my husband doing the same (in fact he told me only when approaching the second or third interview about a potential role in the Cayman Islands) but due to not wanting to get too excited unless it was real, and not wanting me to tell him not to until he'd explored it himself!

Perhaps try to approach this as if it is a fresh opportunity and not already a done deal. In your OP you sound excited about the location and the pay at least, can you review the opportunity with an open mind - after which you may still decide it's not right for you. And if you do decide it's an option, as per a pp, agreeing to it on a temporary basis (eg 2y) and only then reviewing whether you are both happy to make it permenant might be a way to retain some control.

Will you be leaving family behind?

Have you told friends? Aren't they aghast at his high-handedness?

You'll never trust him again - what other decisions might he make on your behalf?

Wouldn't trust him

If, after 2 years he loves the job and the life, he won't want to come back

He says he forgot.

Ha!!
Well, if he really cared about this job he'd have remembered the basic facts about it.

Can't be that important to him if he didn't think it worth mentioning, so I'd just say well done on getting the offer, and if you want me to actually move for a job in future obviously we need to have the discussion before you apply.

I’m assuming it’s a senior role in an international school. They often do a double deal for spouses - in fact it’s pretty much how the whole system works.

It’s not always easy being the rank and file teacher spouse of a senior teacher. In some senses it’s easier if it’s two teachers of the same level as it’s not clear who “got the job” and who was fitted in. Sometimes the job they find for you is one that an existing teacher has hoped to do. There’s a sense if you’re outspoken that you feel able to be so because of who you’re married to. But equally, often it’s fine.

I was a “trailing spouse“ for several years despite having an interesting career - BUT it was my active choice. I knew DH wanted to do it but he didn’t go for it until I gave him the word. In fact his firm started asking if he was up for it just after I had been given MY dream job and I told him I wanted at least a couple of years in post first. I don’t regret my choice although it’s torpedoed my career somewhat. But I have an autistic child who is now home educated so that probably would have happened anyway.

You just have to say no, and I would suggest immediately going into couples counselling to deal with the fallout. He had to understand he has bungled this. Can you imagine what his employer would say if he was honest with them and told them he had to turn the job down as he’d gone through the whole process without telling his wife? He’d look a fool. There’s a reason for that.

I agree with this post.