I have no words. What do I do?

[justwantavirtualhug]

My husband has disclosed that he applied for, and very unexpectedly got, a mega competitive dream job abroad. Big promotion, great money, wonderful part of the world which we're both very familiar with (South America). He's done amazingly well to get it. But I knew absolutely nothing about any of it.

He wants me to come with him, in fact he has seemingly assumed I will. There's a job arranged for me as part of the deal - a very generous one and I'm so appreciative that the company have offered it. But I love the job and life I have, and while this will be amazing for his career, it will negatively affect mine. I feel I'm having to choose between my marriage and my career.

He is very distressed that I've said I may not come with him. Meanwhile I feel betrayed that he did all this without telling me until now. I tried saying that he has to decide whether he wants his career or his marriage, and he said I was being unfair to ask him to choose. But that's what he's making me do! I know IANBU (sorry for posting here anyway) but I've no idea what to do.

Sorry, this thread will inevitably be a drip feed as I'm completely poleaxed and will probably think of things as I go.

PS: some details changed to keep the Daily Mail at bay, or at least to make sure they're publishing more bollocks than usual if they report on it.

There seem to have been several threads recently about men taking or wanting to take “ amazing “ jobs in other countries and assuming their partners will simply up sticks and go too .
This happened to a friend of mine in the 1980s ( with disastrous consequences) but I can’t believe men are still doing this . Would a woman assume a man would trail after her ?

This is so outrageous, it sounds like the plot of a film or novel. Does he work for a government agency?
I wouldn't entertain him. Talk about controlling, this is off the scale.

Presenting someone with a complete change of life - a new job, a permanent move to a different country- is not the sort of thing you present as a happy surprise.

😮😮😮😮
He didn't even consult you?
I can't get past that.
You are an adult human yet he sees fit to completely rearrange your life behind your back.
It's hard to even understand the terms on which he thinks your relationship should function!

I think your relationship will deteriorate if you go in terms of the fundamentals because to go ahead and do this is not in the nature of partnership. For me too the partner will now go forward disregarding other fundamental things that you should be consulted on. To me it’s the start of the end of the relationship. Unless he can see and own what’s wrong and you start a fresh with a new decision together, ie a new basis of relating

Wow, he's treating you with such a lack of respect, like you're just his pet, don't need to know any of the details, he expects you to just follow him and do as he asks, even when it's to your own detriment. He's a selfish, arrogant pig.

Wow I’d be furious

He’s behaved as if he is the main character and you are just an adjunct.

The company have given you a job without interviewing you for it?? That sounds extremely odd. They may have said there's a position that would suit you but an interview would be the norm regardless.

As you have a good career going here now I'd probably not go. Or if you did, you would need to ensure there was some compensation from him (adding to your pension for example) to make up for that part at least. The sneakiness would really bother me, and that he just presented it as a fait accompli. Not sure what to say on that without further detail as to what he's usually like.

He believes he is the main character , and you just have a supporting role, which depends on his 'storyline '.

Someone who will decide your future for you based only on his dreams will not think twice about unilaterally bailing on your marriage, when not if, it’s what he wants.
He has an absolute disrespect for you as an autonomous adult.

Get put before you have kids

His behaviour is atrocious

I wonder if the company know he had done this - including getting you a job offer in secret!?

This was my thinking too. Maybe he thought his chances were so slim, and he'd be able to lick his wounds quietly if he didn't get it, rather than the two of you get excited imagining a future in South America together and then he'd have to deal with your disappointment too if he didn't get the job. (Obviously this is based on his potentially incorrect assumption that you'd be excited at the prospect)

His reactions now possibly based on him feeling his dream job is in jeopardy - based on his own actions/decisions.

If you own a home in this country, could you rent it out rather than sell, for a year or two, and give the move a try? The possibilities are that you both love it and stay, he loves but you don't and you come home alone, or neither of you wants to make it a permanent move, and you come home together.

If he hadn't done it this way, would you have been excited to consider this move? If you refuse on the basis of being angry about the secrecy around his job application, you might miss out on an amazing adventure and life. And the decision isn't irreversible if you give it a try.

If he chooses to stay, and turn down the job, the resentment will be toxic. Yes, that's his own doing, but something to consider. If you choose to go, do it for positive reasons - otherwise whenever there's tricky times (inevitable in uprooting your life to a new country miles away from family and friends) your resentment will likewise be toxic.

Good luck

Serious case of main character syndrome. Also what are the laws like in the country you'd relocate to? Are there implications for e.g. women's reproductive healthcare, women's rights, police response to allegations of sexual assault, etc? I know you've said you've changed details so presumably may not be south America but there are many places in the world where the kinds of rights we have in the UK are not a given and an unwanted pregnancy for instance may be a huge issue - has the potential impact of these kind of things been considered?

She might be a medical professional or have some other role where she's either well known or the qualification speaks for itself?

OP I would personally never move to South America so this would be easy for me but it sounds like it's something you might have considered if you had been told about it, is that right?

I wouldn't assume malice. Maybe he was scared, excited, didn't know how to broach it etc.

Choose your marriage and go with him. Adventures around the world. Grab the opportunity and go for it.

It's quite frustrating to be unable to defend myself against posts saying I'm inventing this (mostly based on being offered a job without discussing it) without risking outing myself. I'll just say that someone upthread has already said their company does this, and someone else mentioned MoD/other government do it as well, so it may not be common but it does demonstrably happen. I appreciate those who are taking it seriously as I feel extremely alone and unhappy just now.

He is prone to main character syndrome and to being thoughtless. Nothing like this though.

Wow, I cannot get past the fact that he chose not to tell you. That rings so many bells and also feels patronising to me (as if he knew better).

I'd leave him just for his controlling, disrespectful, dishonest behaviour-whether he went ahead with the move or not. A long weekend in Venice is an acceptable 'surprise' to spring on your life partner. Moving to the other side of the world is not.

We had previously discussed doing this "one day", and agreed that "one day" had to be at least several years away because it would screw up my career to do it sooner. He says he forgot.

I wouldn't want to be married to somebody like that. As you say, he has main character syndrome and you are in a supporting role. No way would I live like that. You have options. He's made his choice and now it's time for you to meet yours. Either live your own life of your own choosing or live the life he chooses for you.

How long has he known about it?
How in the marriage in general?

I can maybe get him not telling you when it was just a pipe-dream and he thought he had no chance; but as soon as he got past the first stage, he should have been discussing it with you every step of the way

I would be absolutely gutted and not even want to look at him - furious, shocked, disappointed, conflicted, confused, sad - you must be going through so many emotions right now

He needs to know his decisions so far have been completely wrong and he has shown you no consideration and a complete lack of respect

Taking that out of it - how do you feel about the actual job and life? If it had been a joint decision and you had been involved, would you at any point want this?
If it's a no, your decision is made. Sad as it may be to end the marriage, you want different things in life
If it's a yes, it's trickier. Depends if you can ever move past how it came about (although wow he is going to owe you big time for many years...)

Can you have a couple of days away from him to think it through? Any close friends/family you can confide in?
He cannot expect a decision from you overnight

Ouch that's pretty awful OP, I'm sorry. In your shoes I'd be now be thinking what else hasn't he told me? I think you now have two problems:

• do I want to continue a relationship with someone who would keep a secret this big from me and expect me to just follow what he has dictated for our lives?
• if he had been open and honest with me, would I agree to move my life and job for his work opportunity?

If your answer to either of these is no, then it's not working out, is it?

Of course he forgot. You don’t matter, so it’s obviously hard to remember your hopes and dreams, why would he?