Page 7 | That moment you realise you really do hate them

Thetimeisno · 2025-01-05T22:32:00+00:00

DM is having life saving operation followed by ongoing treatment starting next week. Had a family gathering today as she was too ill over Xmas. DH knew at Xmas it was going to either be today or yesterday based on greater availability. States he didn't know it was definitely happening so booked to play golf and go for drinks afterwards. Asks me yesterday do I want him to come. I say yes but what about golf. He says he can get out of it. I ask later is he coming and he says no he really should play golf 🤬🤬🤬😡😡😡 Also said I may need to make trips back home a day a week to help out DM and his response is 'well it depends what day it is' - we have 2 primary school age children. He barely works, just lazes around the house doing nothing. Will save you the expletives but he's such a lazy........ Think this really is it. I couldn't despise him more.

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 07/01/2025 21:01

Lollipop81 · 07/01/2025 20:22

I have read all your posts and I am so sorry you are going through this. There is absolutely no way he will have the kids 50:50 from what you have put. It will all be your fault though as you will be taking him away from his kids. Men like him won’t take any responsibility for their own actions. You can do this though, you can be strong. Don’t let your kids grow up in the middle of this, you will regret it later on.
good luck to you, you can do this.

Thank you for this. And yes I agree. Just wish he realises this before putting the kids through a battle. His friends and family have no idea of the man he is at home and I can already hear the story he will tell them. It'll be pointless trying to tell them the truth. I have tried to talk to some about it but they just say it's hard with young kids etc....

OP posts:

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 07/01/2025 21:05

DisabledDemon · 07/01/2025 20:59

My, he's a prince amongst men, isn't he! What a catch.

Only you can decide if you're going to part company with him but for what it's worth, you deserve more than this carping, immature whinger.

Do you really want this to be the rest of your life?

I really don't. And this is what is hitting home now. His lack of empathy and care for me is really showing. Imagine old age with someone like this. I really want to feel loved. To be fair I can't imagine a relationship with another man at this moment in time. But maybe self love will be enough as I don't even have that ATM with the constant criticism :-(.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 07/01/2025 21:07

Mopsy567 · 07/01/2025 20:48

Going through this myself. I've had every threat thrown at me under the sun, including telling everyone I'm 'mentally unstable'. He did it during our marriage and has done it during our separation.

Even though its stressful, every day I wake up and I'm so grateful I'm not with him anymore! He is an evil twat and I'm enjoying watching him panic about the future without me doing everything.

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This is what I needed to hear. I know he will be spinning his story and people will turn against me and I will need to resist the urge to scream that he was the abusive one not me. I just wish I didn't have to do any of this and had met a decent guy. But too late now I just need to be strong and put my big girl pants on.

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Fluffmum · 07/01/2025 21:07

Get rid of him

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 07/01/2025 21:14

CheekyHobson · 07/01/2025 20:28

It's so freeing when you accept the fact that you no longer love the person who has made your life a misery for years, and in fact you actually despise them.

I spent years fucking with my own head to rationalise, justify and excuse the ways that my ex behaved out of a misguided belief that I loved him, even as he became harder and harder and eventually impossible to love. Of course, I wasn't the only one fucking with my head; he'd been doing it for even longer than I had.

It was also an incident with an ill parent that gave me a moment of clarity - my dad had a life-saving but high-risk operation that was meant to be three hours long but ended up lasting for eight. My mum was a wreck and my brother had even flown in from overseas to be there for it. All I asked of my ex was that he come home from work a little early, give the kids dinner and put them to bed so I could go to the hospital in the evening to be with my family.

I got home late and so emotionally exhausted that I couldn't even eat. My ex had had an easy night and had been reading in bed since 7.30pm after the kids went to sleep. As I collapsed into bed, my ex said, "Did you bring the shopping in from the car like I asked you?" (He had forgotten it himself earlier, and texted me to bring it in when I got home from the hospital.) I said "Oh... no, I forgot." He silently stared at me until it became really uncomfortable. Eventually I said, "Are you expecting me to bring it in now?" He replied, "I already told you to do it." I knew he was being a dick but did not have it in me to have a fight about it so just got up and went and got it so I could go to sleep. But as I got back into bed, I said, "Do you not think it would have been kind to offer to do that given the day I've had?"

Well. That was it. He got up and paced around having a massive rant about how unreasonable I was, how I had forgotten to do what he asked so it wasn't his responsibility to deal with it, that he was all nice and relaxed and didn't want to get up and as I'd just been up myself I shouldn't have a problem with getting up again, that I was bitching at him and making a mountain out of a molehill and I should shut up and go to sleep as he didn't want to hear anything about it. Then he stormed off into the bathroom and slammed the door.

I should have been upset and angry, but the shock of his behaviour actually gave me a moment of clarity and overwhelming calmness that was almost euphoric, like a bright light suddenly shining into every corner of my mind. I thought, "In one of the rare moments that I need some care, this is who he chooses to be. He is a complete prick, I genuinely hate him, and it's no wonder I do. I am done here."

My life is so much fucking better without him.

It really is isn't it. I sometimes feel the strength and think I can leave. And then a little voice in my head (the fear of abandonment voice) says oh it's not that bad, it's not his fault he had a shit childhood, you should look after him and it'll be ok. Need to turn off that voice.

And I know what you mean. I want to say he is clever how he has got into my head but he's not he's just evil. The years I spent trying to make him happy, thinking if I do this he'll be happy, if I do what he asks he'll be happy. I stopped doing that a while ago. I still agree with him on things I don't agree with just to avoid an argument as he can never see my point of view but I don't go and do whatever it is.

And I'm so sorry for what he did. Not only do they ruin special occasions but when you're having a shit time they also go..hang on want a bit more shit to deal with. The lack of empathy honestly surprises me in them, it's so sad this is how they view life.

Wish I had a magic wand to fast forward this year.

OP posts:

bobiebobie · 07/01/2025 22:20

I'm going through this right now after I stuck with the b*stard for almost 19 years. I was like you, making excuses for him in my head, worrying about the fallout if i ended it and scared of leaving our son with him alone and was totally miserable. Like other have said you will just reach the point where you will just have had enough and after you just say those two words "its over" a massive weight will be lifted off your shoulders and you will surprise yourself with how strong you can be. Has it been challenging? Yes! Is it any worse than the crap i've had to endure over all these year? NO!!!! It's so much easier because there is an end in sight! Stop making excuses, it will never be 'the right time", you will never have every duck in a row, you cannot have a plan for every eventuality, just do it and everything will fall into place. You'll be surprised at how many people can see how much of an a'hole he is and will admit this to you once you've separated. You will also be surprised about how much help there is financially out there. This was my main worry along with the shared custody but its all working out one small step at a time, you've got this! x

Imbusytodaysorry · 07/01/2025 23:03

@Thetimeisno Tell him straight if he does not step up as a parent to his kids so you can be there for your parent that you will
divorce him and mean it !

Then do it anyway !

Next time he says you are rubbish at something . Say yeah yeah I am so over your deflection technique. It’s frankly boring, as you are .

Make your leave LTB plan and do it .

CheekyHobson · 07/01/2025 23:07

Wish I had a magic wand to fast forward this year.

@Thetimeisno

Really, don't. The next year will be hard, but it will also be incredibly empowering. When we are in a relationship with someone who we have to treat with kid gloves and walk on eggshells, we give up doing so much for ourselves. This will be a year of making decisions that are in YOUR best interests, and while you will undoubtedly get pushback, you can use the strength that comes from no longer giving a shit about what your ex wants to ground yourself and power through.

Every time you choose a piece of new furniture, or set up a new electricity account, or make a new schedule that focuses on what works for you and the kids, or don't bother to clean up the kitchen right after dinner in order to avoid a drama, or cook a meal that he wouldn't like or sleep spread-eagled over an empty bed, you can think "This is FOR ME."

You'll be doing the same or only marginally more work than you presently are but without the weighty burden of resentment that there's another adult in the house who you're dragging along with you.

After a couple of months in his new house, my ex had the nerve to complain to me about how much the dust showed up on the wooden floors and how he had to vacuum it every week and it took soooo long. I literally laughed in his face because he often used to refuse to do the vacuuming at home because the carpet hid the dust, and the fact that it still made my son and I sneeze didn't matter to him.

barbarahunter · 08/01/2025 09:00

Just to say, I recognise what @bobiebobie was saying. My ex had been so awful for so long by the time I told him it was over, that he really wasn't capable of being much worse. I hardly noticed any increase in the foul behaviour because it had been there all along.

carchi · 08/01/2025 09:41

The fact that he even asked whether you wanted him to attend is enough to make you realise how little investment he has in you. Would you still be with him if you did not have children and joint finances with him ?
If not then take the children and leave or better kick him out and have a better life.

Namechangedididittoo · 08/01/2025 10:15

WinkyTinky · 06/01/2025 10:44

There have been many occasions, and stupidly I have just let them all go and got on with life. I think I have become desensitised to things he has done, and almost ignore it now as I am so used to his behaviour. Maybe the breaking point was when our son was sick from an allergic reaction and I was on the phone to 111 to see if I should take him to hospital, and dh still chose to go on his night out (one of very very many, not a special occasion or anything) leaving me to have to sort out someone to look after our youngest while I took eldest to A&E. When he came home to find me and eldest not there, and my brother with youngest, he was mystified as to what was going on. He cannot see further than his own nose. I cannot continue to do this, and am taking strength from those saying divorce is hard but the freedom afterwards is worth every second. Good luck OP, you can do it, and you MUST do it. Best wishes to your mum.

My EX was the same.
I was pregnant with our third and they thought she might have a disability they did tests and were ringing that afternoon with results he decided he needed to go out for the day(she was fine)
I was past my due date and he decided to go away for the long weekend and asked a neighbour who I hardly knew (as we had only lived in the neighbourhood 6 weeks)to drive me to the hospital should I go into labour.
the list goes on and on and on
he had affairs and told me if we ever split up it would be him who decided
I was a complete idiot. But I did end the marriage and here’s the twist the neighbour who I hardly knew is now my husband😊

yohohoCrimbo · 08/01/2025 10:31

You've had incredible support from posters on this board. You really must see 2025 as getting your life back. Good luck op. He will not ever change, whereas you deserve to be free.

Your DC will cope. They simply will. My parent tried to manipulate me and lie about my other parent - vicious insidious lies - and even from a very young age I didn't believe them. Your DC will see and know the truth - they are rather savvy at people reading.

The relationship board is excellent for practical advice. Think about moving your Post, or starting another there.

Florawest · 08/01/2025 10:35

Thetimeisno · 06/01/2025 12:44

I just feel like I'll never be free of him. He'll always be in my life cos of the kids. And he's already working on them to turn them against me. When I'm not there 24-7 i risk what he will say to the kids without me knowing 😭😭😭

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Sending hugs and prayers to both you and your mum 🙏🏻, yes he might try and blacken you to your children but in time they will see, my youngest just turned 18 has seen for himself what he’s two elder sibling's saw years ago, split when youngest turned 3.

Its a hard road but it gets easier, financially challenging v bare min maintenance never any money towards birthdays or Christmas , but it’s worth it for the freedom and peace.

Just get through these weeks with your mum, stay put and am sure your family/friends will be your rock and rally round to help you/ye.

Be proud of what you have/are doing on a daily basis especially with all the challenges thrown your way.

Team Mumsnet here for you/your children and your mum. 🎉💕

WinkyTinky · 08/01/2025 14:46

@Namechangedididittoo What a great happy ending!!

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:24

bobiebobie · 07/01/2025 22:20

I'm going through this right now after I stuck with the b*stard for almost 19 years. I was like you, making excuses for him in my head, worrying about the fallout if i ended it and scared of leaving our son with him alone and was totally miserable. Like other have said you will just reach the point where you will just have had enough and after you just say those two words "its over" a massive weight will be lifted off your shoulders and you will surprise yourself with how strong you can be. Has it been challenging? Yes! Is it any worse than the crap i've had to endure over all these year? NO!!!! It's so much easier because there is an end in sight! Stop making excuses, it will never be 'the right time", you will never have every duck in a row, you cannot have a plan for every eventuality, just do it and everything will fall into place. You'll be surprised at how many people can see how much of an a'hole he is and will admit this to you once you've separated. You will also be surprised about how much help there is financially out there. This was my main worry along with the shared custody but its all working out one small step at a time, you've got this! x

Aah thank you this is very hopeful. We've been together 17 years so I feel like I don't even know what a healthy relationship looks like!

And you are right some of his friends have said 'how do you put up with him?' but in a jokey kind of way. He's the moaner of the group who often starts an argument over politics or taboo issues. One of them said on a night out he's had his quota of him for the next few months and he doesn't like seeing him too often! And that was from one of his best friends. I still believe they wouldn't have a clue what he is really like with me and the kids tho.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:26

carchi · 08/01/2025 09:41

The fact that he even asked whether you wanted him to attend is enough to make you realise how little investment he has in you. Would you still be with him if you did not have children and joint finances with him ?
If not then take the children and leave or better kick him out and have a better life.

I definitely would not be. It's totally that boiling frog analogy. If he had acting anything like this is the beginning I would never had considered having children with him.

OP posts:

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 08/01/2025 19:48

Thetimeisno · 07/01/2025 21:01

Thank you for this. And yes I agree. Just wish he realises this before putting the kids through a battle. His friends and family have no idea of the man he is at home and I can already hear the story he will tell them. It'll be pointless trying to tell them the truth. I have tried to talk to some about it but they just say it's hard with young kids etc....

Show quote history

Aye it is hard with young kids
Especially when you're doing it on your own.
As pp have said through out he really is a waste of space.
If he's working 2-3hrs a day and getting full time wage he could be sacked if his employer catches on to what he's up to.

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:54

Namechangedididittoo · 08/01/2025 10:15

My EX was the same.
I was pregnant with our third and they thought she might have a disability they did tests and were ringing that afternoon with results he decided he needed to go out for the day(she was fine)
I was past my due date and he decided to go away for the long weekend and asked a neighbour who I hardly knew (as we had only lived in the neighbourhood 6 weeks)to drive me to the hospital should I go into labour.
the list goes on and on and on
he had affairs and told me if we ever split up it would be him who decided
I was a complete idiot. But I did end the marriage and here’s the twist the neighbour who I hardly knew is now my husband😊

Show quote history

Oh wow that's an amazing story! So glad you have a happy ending :-). 🎉🎉🎉

OP posts:

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:55

yohohoCrimbo · 08/01/2025 10:31

You've had incredible support from posters on this board. You really must see 2025 as getting your life back. Good luck op. He will not ever change, whereas you deserve to be free.

Your DC will cope. They simply will. My parent tried to manipulate me and lie about my other parent - vicious insidious lies - and even from a very young age I didn't believe them. Your DC will see and know the truth - they are rather savvy at people reading.

The relationship board is excellent for practical advice. Think about moving your Post, or starting another there.

Thank you I really have. Feel so blessed 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:56

Florawest · 08/01/2025 10:35

Sending hugs and prayers to both you and your mum 🙏🏻, yes he might try and blacken you to your children but in time they will see, my youngest just turned 18 has seen for himself what he’s two elder sibling's saw years ago, split when youngest turned 3.

Its a hard road but it gets easier, financially challenging v bare min maintenance never any money towards birthdays or Christmas , but it’s worth it for the freedom and peace.

Just get through these weeks with your mum, stay put and am sure your family/friends will be your rock and rally round to help you/ye.

Be proud of what you have/are doing on a daily basis especially with all the challenges thrown your way.

Team Mumsnet here for you/your children and your mum. 🎉💕

Show quote history

Thank you that's such a lovely post. I really hope they do see through it all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:58

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 08/01/2025 19:48

Aye it is hard with young kids
Especially when you're doing it on your own.
As pp have said through out he really is a waste of space.
If he's working 2-3hrs a day and getting full time wage he could be sacked if his employer catches on to what he's up to.

Show quote history

He really should. I have absolutely no clue how they do not know. I mean he WFH but still they must know the output does not equal 37 hours a week!!!!! 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 08/01/2025 20:05

Hope everything works out for your mum.
Hopefully you have real life support through this difficult time.
I bet boyo isn't stingy with his golf as it's not a cheap hobby but complaining about kids presents, clothes, holidays etc.

Original poster

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 23:08

Youngheartsalittletogetherness · 08/01/2025 20:05

Hope everything works out for your mum.
Hopefully you have real life support through this difficult time.
I bet boyo isn't stingy with his golf as it's not a cheap hobby but complaining about kids presents, clothes, holidays etc.

Thank you. He really isn't! And not stingy about going out for drinks all the time either! If he's spending it on him it's fine!!!

OP posts:

namechangeididtoo · 09/01/2025 08:16

Thetimeisno · 08/01/2025 19:54

Oh wow that's an amazing story! So glad you have a happy ending :-). 🎉🎉🎉

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Thank you.
fate works in mysterious ways 😊

Balancedcitizen101 · 09/01/2025 08:19

Yes he is in the wrong and yes he needs to pull more weight. Amazing how many of these sort of stories involve a golfing husband. It really is the worst men playing it.