It's so freeing when you accept the fact that you no longer love the person who has made your life a misery for years, and in fact you actually despise them.
I spent years fucking with my own head to rationalise, justify and excuse the ways that my ex behaved out of a misguided belief that I loved him, even as he became harder and harder and eventually impossible to love. Of course, I wasn't the only one fucking with my head; he'd been doing it for even longer than I had.
It was also an incident with an ill parent that gave me a moment of clarity - my dad had a life-saving but high-risk operation that was meant to be three hours long but ended up lasting for eight. My mum was a wreck and my brother had even flown in from overseas to be there for it. All I asked of my ex was that he come home from work a little early, give the kids dinner and put them to bed so I could go to the hospital in the evening to be with my family.
I got home late and so emotionally exhausted that I couldn't even eat. My ex had had an easy night and had been reading in bed since 7.30pm after the kids went to sleep. As I collapsed into bed, my ex said, "Did you bring the shopping in from the car like I asked you?" (He had forgotten it himself earlier, and texted me to bring it in when I got home from the hospital.) I said "Oh... no, I forgot." He silently stared at me until it became really uncomfortable. Eventually I said, "Are you expecting me to bring it in now?" He replied, "I already told you to do it." I knew he was being a dick but did not have it in me to have a fight about it so just got up and went and got it so I could go to sleep. But as I got back into bed, I said, "Do you not think it would have been kind to offer to do that given the day I've had?"
Well. That was it. He got up and paced around having a massive rant about how unreasonable I was, how I had forgotten to do what he asked so it wasn't his responsibility to deal with it, that he was all nice and relaxed and didn't want to get up and as I'd just been up myself I shouldn't have a problem with getting up again, that I was bitching at him and making a mountain out of a molehill and I should shut up and go to sleep as he didn't want to hear anything about it. Then he stormed off into the bathroom and slammed the door.
I should have been upset and angry, but the shock of his behaviour actually gave me a moment of clarity and overwhelming calmness that was almost euphoric, like a bright light suddenly shining into every corner of my mind. I thought, "In one of the rare moments that I need some care, this is who he chooses to be. He is a complete prick, I genuinely hate him, and it's no wonder I do. I am done here."
My life is so much fucking better without him.