That moment you realise you really do hate them

[Thetimeisno]

DM is having life saving operation followed by ongoing treatment starting next week. Had a family gathering today as she was too ill over Xmas. DH knew at Xmas it was going to either be today or yesterday based on greater availability. States he didn't know it was definitely happening so booked to play golf and go for drinks afterwards.

Asks me yesterday do I want him to come. I say yes but what about golf. He says he can get out of it. I ask later is he coming and he says no he really should play golf 🤬🤬🤬😡😡😡

Also said I may need to make trips back home a day a week to help out DM and his response is 'well it depends what day it is' - we have 2 primary school age children.

He barely works, just lazes around the house doing nothing. Will save you the expletives but he's such a lazy........

Think this really is it. I couldn't despise him more.

Fuck that! Loads of fucking useless men around! Glad I am single!!

You DON'T need him!

I take it you don't pay for his holidays, so he just doesn't go, right?

why have you had children with this man?

Stop paying for him to 'Fiddle while Rome burns'
Why isn't he working? Let him do the children stuff if he's there and you go to your mother.

All the best for your mom.
He's a prick. He's an arsehole. He doesn't give a fig about you or his children and you resent him like hell.

The problem is what are you prepared to do about it? What's keeping in this marriage except fear for the unknown?

If at all possible, start making plans. You can't unsee this.
Money may be tight, but life will get better. Living with someone you hate is quite a burden.

Does he get involved with childcare/housework given he only works 2-3hrs a day? Do you and the kids splurge on his for Birthdays/Christmas - if so stop it.

You marry and have kids to be a partnership, to share the highs and lows together. You sacrifice your very expensive golf days to provide holidays etc for your kids, creating happy memories with each other. To be blunt you have allowed him to NOT do these things...why?

Love and hate are very much akin and if you really don't have any love for him, then you need to walk away because he doesn't sound like he is showing up for his family and certainly not supporting you at this difficult time.

If you still have some feelings for him, because I know from personal experience that it is possible to love someone but hate the way they now treat you, then you need to sit him down, tell him how your are feeling, tell him he needs to step up NOW and that includes financially. Set boundaries and if he refuses to or reneges on them, that he will be on his way out. Make it quite clear where your feelings are.

Regardless, start making plans for the future as a single parent. It sounds tough but you will be in control, you can plan your own destiny and there maybe a life with love ahead as opposed to living with someone you hate. Do not bring your kids up in that atmosphere.

Why do people post this unhelpful and pointless question on this sort of thread?

It happens every time a poster starts a thread about a useless husband/partner..

God he’s vile

He is financially abusing you and controlling you.
Talk to Women's aid and get advice.
You are not wrong, he is scum.

Fuck off. We marry partners thinking they'll be great husbands and parents only to discover later on, they are losers.

There is a reason why almost 40% of marriages end up in divorce in the UK, with the biggest majority (over 60%) initiated by women.

Honestly getting divorced is easier than you'd imagine. Yes it's an upheaval, yes the kids will be a bit upset.. Write off 2025 and just get it done. Honestly it is SO SO SO much better on the other side. Take it from a divorced mum. I give thanks at least once a week that he is no longer my issue and it's been 8 years :)

I agree with others, your marriage is no way to live. And yes, I too hated my ex before I divorced him, I wished him dead and I know that is unkind of me.

Agree. OP has primary school children. She doesn't say she's planning a third child. If she'd known he was going to be increasingly lazy and selfish, at the time, she probably wouldn't have had children with him. Plus these men are often very effective gas lighters, making the OP doubt themselves, and its only when something so undeniable happens that the scales fall from their eyes.

At a time when an OP is feeling dreadful and wants advice or second opinion to check if she is indeed being unreasonable or not - its a way of putting them down, making them feel worse and an attempt to prove that the poster could see it all coming but the OP couldn't.

OP.. You have a lot on your plate right now with your DM...you have practical things to sort out like telling, not asking that he does the school run one day a week during this time! which probably sounds easier than it will be in reality.
Maybe you should hold fire on any announcements to the Golfing Hero that you are making decisions about your future with him atm, you don't want to add even more stress to a difficult situation with his inevitable drama, before you've really worked out how you want to organise things.
Maybe put this slightly to one side whilst you focus on your DM, your kids and yourself in the immediate future. It will also give you time to think, get profession help and to work out how to best manage the situation.

So he’s lazy, a skinflint, selfish but leaving him might be too hard? I think you’ll find it really easy. He’ll still be this person in 5 years time.

Sorry to hear your mum is ill and hope her treatment goes well. 💐

and the feeling of relief never leaves you

Freedom : the absence of necessity, coercion or constraint in choice or action
/ liberation from the power of another ( as in slavery, quote from Mirriam-Webster )

Hope your DM gets better.
The moment I realised I hate them was shortly after turning 42 yo, it simply just came along.
Not my husband, he's 74 and has done nothing wrong by me.
I'm not surprised you despise that man, I could tell you about dozens (most of them).
When your mother feels better, start thinking about becoming free of him.
🍀

This isn’t an uncommon wish, just mainly unspoken.

I loathed mine. It’s healthier.

Who's paying for his golf? Does he magically find money for this?

There have been many occasions, and stupidly I have just let them all go and got on with life. I think I have become desensitised to things he has done, and almost ignore it now as I am so used to his behaviour. Maybe the breaking point was when our son was sick from an allergic reaction and I was on the phone to 111 to see if I should take him to hospital, and dh still chose to go on his night out (one of very very many, not a special occasion or anything) leaving me to have to sort out someone to look after our youngest while I took eldest to A&E. When he came home to find me and eldest not there, and my brother with youngest, he was mystified as to what was going on. He cannot see further than his own nose. I cannot continue to do this, and am taking strength from those saying divorce is hard but the freedom afterwards is worth every second. Good luck OP, you can do it, and you MUST do it. Best wishes to your mum.

It was when my mum was dying that I realised what a selfish idiot my then partner was. He just couldn’t deal with my focus being on someone else. Everyone said “Don’t make big life changes right now”, but I knew it was the end of the road for that relationship, and it was actually a relief, even though things limped on for a while until I had the headspace to actually deal with it.

I hope your mum’s op goes well. Focus on her, but promise yourself you’ll be freeing yourself from this crap man as soon as you can.