That moment you realise you really do hate them

[Thetimeisno]

DM is having life saving operation followed by ongoing treatment starting next week. Had a family gathering today as she was too ill over Xmas. DH knew at Xmas it was going to either be today or yesterday based on greater availability. States he didn't know it was definitely happening so booked to play golf and go for drinks afterwards.

Asks me yesterday do I want him to come. I say yes but what about golf. He says he can get out of it. I ask later is he coming and he says no he really should play golf 🤬🤬🤬😡😡😡

Also said I may need to make trips back home a day a week to help out DM and his response is 'well it depends what day it is' - we have 2 primary school age children.

He barely works, just lazes around the house doing nothing. Will save you the expletives but he's such a lazy........

Think this really is it. I couldn't despise him more.

What is it about him that makes him so irresistible that you can’t be without him.
There has to be something surely.

@Thetimeisno if he can’t be arsed to do anything like his share now, he’s hardly likely to step up and look after the kids once you split. He’ll probably just fade out of their lives I reckon.

Yes and he goes to the pub 2-3 times a week.

Bottom line is he will spend money on himself but not on the kids.

Fear of abandonment. Trauma bond. I'm working through it just hard.

It depends what you mean by worse. Most of them are very difficult during the divorce and then do nothing with and pay nothing for their kids afterwards.

But then you are free from all that stress of trying to work around them and cajoling and persuading and reminding them and trying to not to upset them. And having to ask them in just the right tone of voice at just the right time. And begging and pleading . Then shouting in frustration then apologising for shouting. Then trying to be nice again and it still doesn’t work.

Basically living with this great big black hole that sucks up all your energy and time and hope that things will ever get any better than this.

So you probably will have less money but you will get back all that energy and Time and hope. And you will lose a lot of depression and anxiety.

So it’s a trade off . You need to decide for yourself if it will be worth it in the end.

I just feel like I'll never be free of him. He'll always be in my life cos of the kids. And he's already working on them to turn them against me. When I'm not there 24-7 i risk what he will say to the kids without me knowing 😭😭😭

He won’t always be in your life, only until the kids are 18. I know that seems like forever but it isn’t. Do you own your own home or rent? Start looking at the practicalities of leaving him. He may badmouth you to the children but they aren’t stupid- they know who cares for them and who is a lazy selfish knob.

He is just a very difficult man, will only do things his way, what he wants to do and won't put himself out for anyone. I think I would have to have a rigid swop over plan and he wouldnt agree to say swap a day if e.g. it was an important occasion. He won't take them after school activities so I'm not sure what would happen there.

I know in my head I think I know it'll all be better. Like a weight lifted and feeling happier and freer.

I just worry about the kids going to his as he doesn't do the daily duties now and they get upset if he tries to do them now as he has anger issues so they don't want him to now I don't think. He is working them against me too. Saying I'm not good at stuff etc.

Thank you I hope they know. I just know how easily I was manipulated by him so worry the kids don't stand a chance.

We own but I am looking into options. I want to have a watertight plan.

He will say horrible thing to the kids when you are not there. But he’s probably saying bad things about you to your kids now behind your back. But

• when you are separated you can tell your kids the truth

• he will end up not seeing then very often because it’s too much like hard work and he’s bone idle

• he will get a new partner very soon and then he will see the kids even less.

So it’s bad for the kids because they will hardly ever see him and they will work out what a waste of space he is. But the good news is that they will work this out sooner than later, which means they can deal with it.

It’s hard to accept that someone you love is a prick. But at least you can come to terms with and learn to accept it. What destroys your life is staying with a prick and devoting your life to trying to change him and hoping that he will get better.

The logistics may be difficult, but you would still be much happier without him. He has utter contempt for you but is relying on your never doing anything about it.

What you say about his behaviour at work is quite illuminating. He must be absolutely hated by his colleagues and normally these workshy unpleasant people eventually take things too far and disciplinary procedures will be started.

He brings nothing positive to your life or your children's lives. Bite the bullet and tell him that you have had enough and would like him to leave. If he refuses, stop doing anything for him. Don't cook for him, don't wash his clothes, don't buy food for him and don't sleep with him.

He brings nothing positive to your life. Make a plan to end this relationship.

He is a vile piece of shit.

Your kids won't want to be with him when they're older I bet. I imagine that will start long before they turn 18.

Get yourself and them away from him.
He won't want them 50/50 anyway as that will impinge on his "me" time and golf?

He's a vile piece of shit.

The ladies of the Aqua Tofana fame had the best idea.

Do we need a modern version?

Aqua Tofana was a poison used in 17th-century Italy. Giulia Tofana supplied it to women seeking to escape abusive marriages. It was given in small doses so it mimicked the symptoms of natural illnesses and allowing the victim to die without raising suspicion. Personally I think Giulia should have been canonised! All hail St. Giulia.

.

I know! I really don't know how he gets away with it. He still WFH but surely his manger must know. Some days he'll go out for half the day and he doesn't have emails on his phone!

I've cut back on what I do for him but not that much. I can't stand conflict so do the bare minimum to stop him kicking off. The constant moaning really is tiring tho

I think this probably will happen. He is a clone of his dad and funnily enough he can't stand him!!!

He said the other day he would want them 50:50 (I think he probably read about maintenance payments!). After only looking after them both by himself for a total of 3 times for a few hours over their whole life I tried not to laugh in his face. He has no idea what it is to be a parent as he hasn't partaken in being one

CMS doesn't care about his willingness so he will be forced to contribute...

Hes saying he wants 50:50. Then I don't think he has to pay does he? After looking after them by himself for a total of 9 hours on 3 occasions!!! He ain't got a clue what it takes to look after kids!

I just mean he won't pay any extra. Say if there's a school trip or the clubs they go to etc. But I pay for everything now anyway so it won't be much different!

He's literally the tightest bloke you've ever met!!! Moans every time he spends money. Joy to be around 😂🤣😔

After only looking after them both by himself for a total of 3 times for a few hours over their whole life I tried not to laugh in his face. He has no idea what it is to be a parent as he hasn't partaken in being one

Oh I recognise this OP. I've had three hospital stays and one holiday where he's had to look after both kids in the space of 17 years and I got home to chaos on each occasion. Absolutely no clue. It's actually funny that they think they can suddenly become the parent they should always have been when demanding 50/50.

OP I want to recommend a youtube channel to you, in Shorts, he is brilliant -
(or to anyone else in this miserable but not uncommon situation )- its called
chrisgqperry

also of course the redoubtable Natalie Lue at Baggage Reclaim

This will not happen, he is bluffing, as many do.

😂🤣 it is completely delusional.

The three times have been times my DM or DF have been ill and it's always 'what time will you be home?' asked over and over again. They are ill he should be saying 'take as long as you want and I hope they are ok'.

If that’s the case what makes you think he will suddenly be able to look after 3 children 50:50? He might want to do that but he will quickly give up when he realises that it actually requires effort to get kids to school for example. If he doesn’t take them to clubs on his contact days you can re-arrange them to other days. There is a solution to every obstacle you put in front of yourself.

As for avoiding conflict and wanting a quiet life, teach your kids that life is too precious to put up with people who suck the energy out of you for the sake of a quiet life. If you can’t leave him for yourself, do it for your kids.

I strongly don't think he will be able to and my solicitor strongly advised me not to even do every other weekend with him as he will not be able to cope and the kids will suffer. Wheels are in motion I just need everything in place before I can leave.

Yes with the clubs if he does start with one week on one week off they may miss a couple of weeks but then he'll probably be like fuck this 50:50 is too hard. Or my solicitor will have started proceedings to stop him having them that amount. My poor babies can't suffer at his hands too. He is honestly evil inside.

When we split my ex said he wanted 50:50 of our high school aged kids. Like you OP I found it hard not to laugh.

For the first couple of months had them once a fortnight for tea ( a frozen pizza). At that point he was paying child maintenance and he tried to deduct the cost of the meal from how much he paid.

Then his affair partner moved in to his place and he went to seeing the kids for coffee about once every three months.

Several years down the line he sees them once or twice a year for about two hours.

Mr 50:50 dad of the year 🤣