That moment you realise you really do hate them

[Thetimeisno]

DM is having life saving operation followed by ongoing treatment starting next week. Had a family gathering today as she was too ill over Xmas. DH knew at Xmas it was going to either be today or yesterday based on greater availability. States he didn't know it was definitely happening so booked to play golf and go for drinks afterwards.

Asks me yesterday do I want him to come. I say yes but what about golf. He says he can get out of it. I ask later is he coming and he says no he really should play golf 🤬🤬🤬😡😡😡

Also said I may need to make trips back home a day a week to help out DM and his response is 'well it depends what day it is' - we have 2 primary school age children.

He barely works, just lazes around the house doing nothing. Will save you the expletives but he's such a lazy........

Think this really is it. I couldn't despise him more.

In a similar position my dad is having surgery this week and DP is being horrible as per usual. He can’t stand the world not revolving round him and resents a little sick old man being given a crumb of attention. They’re pathetic cowards the pair of them!

My God, another cocklodger. Yes if you break up it will be hard but the alternative is you becoming even more resentful. I used to feel sick at the sight of my ex husband but I got through it. Somehow you just do. 🙏❤️

He sucks already OP so you might as well get it over with. I’m so sorry you’re going through this when your mum is unwell too. But he’s not bringing anything to the party so no great loss once he’s gone. Best of luck x

Partially as he refuses to pay for anything above half the bills e.g. holidays, presents, school trips , other unforseen costs.

What is the point of men like this? From an evolutionary perspective why the fuck have they not yet become extinct?

I am sorry about your mum OP. It’s very clear that you know what you need to do. I would get through the next few weeks first. Good luck.

No but he'd either be having them 50% or need to pay maintenance. Either you get more time or more maintenance, won't solve all your problems but it's something and it's better than living with the anger and the hate eating away at you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this when your mum is sick he really is an arsehole doing that.

What attracted you to him? What were his good points? I dont ask because I'm suggesting you should focus on those and save the marriage, I'm just curious because it sounds like you have such a raw deal here, there must have been something positive.

I hope it goes well with your Mum. Let her be your priority. It is absolutely your partners job to provide loving and practical support during a difficult time, but if he won't - then what is he for?

So what? He doesn't care about you or his kids, why are you worrying about him?

That.

You can only take so much. If he doesn't step up, get rid.

He's a monumental arsehole. Please let this be your wakeup call.

OP, he sounds useless and a complete lazy arse. I wouldn't worry to much about him being awkward. He probably will take it as a gren light to spend more time doing what HE wants to do. Selfish. Put you and your children first. Hope your mum is okx

I’m really sorry to hear about your mum OP, this is the time when I’d expect my H to drop everything and be there for me.

For me it was last February when it was the first anniversary of my best friend’s passing. When she had actually died (she was only 40) my “D”H was cruel and said nasty things about her/death/ bereavement. whenever I cried or got sad about her death he would snap “why are you crying” or be dismissive of my feelings. I felt like I couldn’t grieve my best friend of 20 years.

When the anniversary came, he had brought me flowers and offered to pick up our DC from nursery so I could have the day to myself. I hated him for not showing me this type of compassion at the time, I saw him in a total different way. He was also extremely controlling and this was the straw that broke the camels back.

He refused to go to marriage counselling, so I had my own therapy and by June I had ended the marriage, he moved out in August - the first few months were horrible but it’s getting better and I’ve just had the most chilled and peaceful Christmas. I’m slowly starting to feel like the old me again.

Life is too short OP.

OP. Find a holiday for you and the kids. Tell him you’re paying for yourself and the kids. And it’s X amount for your place if you want to come. If not say you will go without him.

This. Hope you get through these next months OP

Why are you with him?

He isn't supporting you with a family crisis with your DM
He isn't willing to step up and parent his dc while you are otherwise engaged with something important
He barely works

I am not a LTB poster typically but honestly shake your head and don't think being single is worse than this. Autonomy and no one leaching off you is pretty basic stuff. You deserve more from a partner

Hope your dm recovers well.

@Thetimeisno repost on the Relationships board here asking for help on how to split minimising how difficult he will make it for you. The people there have seen it all, done it all and will help you.

You don’t need to do it today, but you can, and should, for yourself and your future,
do it. 💪

I hate him too! I think a lot of people do.

You deserve far more than this. Let this be the year you set yourself free.

@Bornnotbourne Sounds like you need to LTB too! Your P sounds like an arse.

If brains were dynamite this twat doesn’t have enough to blow his hat off. I despair at some men and how they turn out. Lazy arse deserves the shock you give him if you decide to up and leave. Unbelievably selfish he should be supporting you 100%. SMH.

Am so sorry - what a horrible thing to have to go through on top of losing your friend. Well done for making the changes you needed to.

He showed no resistance when I said divorce, sell house etc.
you may find this too OP - mine said I was ‘holding him back in life’
which elicited genuine laughter.

I suspect yours may attempt a similar strategy, being difficult, until you
give him what he wants, freedom to come and go without hindrance
which it sounds as though he is engineering, peaking with this episode.

Unbelievable unless you have experienced this recalcitrant husband syndrome.

We managed fine, moved into a smaller house, halved all Utilities, meat!
washing, stress, you will manage, presents, holidays, reconsidered,
remember the old adage, ‘you have to cut your coat according to your cloth’ -
well mine was a bolero for a about year, but we were relaxed, happier,
you too will be fine.

Then you will look back and wonder why you waited so long.

Or he disappears and refuses to pay. Not all men are decent fathers, and you can end up with neither time nor money.

Me too! Selfish twat

The only reason you should tread carefully re the timing, is if he’s going to make it awkward to care for your mother in the short term - unless you can take them with you?

@Thetimeisno I am sorry to hear about your Mum. All the best to her for the surgery and a positive outcome.

When my Dad was ill, my DH was absolutely in my corner. He traipsed up and down on the train with me to see Dad, he held me when I cried, he treated my family with all the gentleness and respect he had, he took me out for a walk and some breakfast on the day we got the news. . .all this alongside keeping things going at work. It wasn't in the nature of Dad's illness that things would turn out well, but the support I had at that time made the difference between a terrible situation that could be survived and one that was just overwhelming.

If your DH is so inward-looking and selfish that he can't look after his own children so as to free you up to be with your Mum, what exactly is he for? What does he bring to the table other than a high handicap on the golf-course? (I might be assuming too much there of course.)

@Thetimeisno I hope, we all do, your Mum will be fine.

and what @Thepeopleversuswork advises - get through the next few weeks first

(as they will be exhausting) before you put any wheels in motion, avoiding the
divorce Monday bottleneck with overworked, jaded lawyers.

Also, eating properly and sleep will be important for you at this time,
multivitamin/vit C, sustaining your mental and physical health.