That moment you realise you really do hate them

[Thetimeisno]

DM is having life saving operation followed by ongoing treatment starting next week. Had a family gathering today as she was too ill over Xmas. DH knew at Xmas it was going to either be today or yesterday based on greater availability. States he didn't know it was definitely happening so booked to play golf and go for drinks afterwards.

Asks me yesterday do I want him to come. I say yes but what about golf. He says he can get out of it. I ask later is he coming and he says no he really should play golf 🤬🤬🤬😡😡😡

Also said I may need to make trips back home a day a week to help out DM and his response is 'well it depends what day it is' - we have 2 primary school age children.

He barely works, just lazes around the house doing nothing. Will save you the expletives but he's such a lazy........

Think this really is it. I couldn't despise him more.

Also OP, I meant to say, I too pay for most things. I have shelled out for roof repairs, toilet repair (which he broke with his impatient forceful flushing) and new tyres in the past two weeks, on top of hundreds spent on the kids birthdays and Christmas. I even decided this year to show him exactly what presents I'd got for the kids prior to wrapping them so he could see what I'd spent, and he makes no attempt to offer a contribution. Therefore I will be no worse off if he's not here as he spends pretty much all of his money on himself and his hobbies anyway. It is unacceptable, and I need to stop accepting it. Get angry OP, it will give you focus. I have lost the energy for anger and find myself just drifting. Do not do that!

They have two parents. I just spent two weeks looking after my mum. You both need to talk about sharing the load and expectations.

He's so difficult now I think he's going to be so much worse when/if we do split.

Short term pain for long term gain.

I am sorry about your mum, that must be so worrying and then to have a husband who by all the evidence is a total drain on your energy and is no support. If you imagine life without him how does it feel? Sounds as if he would be one less thing to have to deal with. In my experience it is better to be alone and know exactly what we have to do rather than having one's expectations constantly raised and then dashed.

So a round of golf is more important than your DM? I'd hate him too.

On my first wedding anniversary my mum had very serious surgery where she could have died. Not only did my husband not come with me to be around and help me support my dad - he didn’t phone or wasn’t contactable all day. Eventually rang me at 11pm after I’d leant on friends for support in the day.
when I spoke to him about it once I was back home he kinda eye rolled apologised like a teenager.
When I left him 4 years later and he was sobbing with hurt on the floor, I told him that my feelings of love for him began to disappear the night of my mum’s op. Then he began to apologise in such a heart felt way.
I said “this is what I wanted back then - genuine remorse for not understanding how awful it was not to have you to support me that day when my mum nearly died”.
Needless to say I left anyway and have never looked back.
good luck OP with the decisions you need to make - feel your anger x

I have absolutely no idea how they have not cottoned onto this. I have heard how difficult he can be at work - refusing to do things his colleagues are asking him to do. So all I can think it they are scared of him kicking off if they did get rid of him? He of course says he's so good at his job that's why he does it so quick and if course why they could never get rid of him!

I do :-(. Because I want us to have a family holiday. But he just ruins them anyway. I do not want to have holidays with him anymore.

Well he wasn't like this at the beginning!!! I thought I'd won the lottery in the beginning

Cos hes so good at his job he can finish it in a couple of hours apparently!

I really feel for you, OP and I understand your fear of him kicking off/threatening etc but honestly why carry on like this? He is nasty and that is not going to change. As others have said, yes it's horrible going through separation/divorce but it is like walking on air once you're free of him.

Once the hatred and resentment sets in there’s no going back in my experience. Best to get rid asap.

Probably from the pov from another poster ,he will probably become even more vile and parasitic because his host wants to get rid of him. He'll probably make all sorts of threats to get his own way. Then the OP will really see what he is capable of.

But apparently he does have enough money for golf.

No he has me time for the rest of the day as he needs alot of me time he says!

He acts like a moody teenager in the very rare occasion he empties the dishwasher etc. If I ask him to do something his most common response is he has stuff he wants to do e.g. go to the shops (for himself) or have more me time.

I don't think I do have any love let for him. I can stand him. He has treated me with so much disrespect.

I am in therapy and go to a dv support group so working on myself so I can get out.

Thank you your post gives me hope. Do you have to deal with him my much? He's so difficult at the moment I can imagine he's only going to get worse if we split 😭

Wishing you luck, OP. Sounds like, however difficult he may be during the divorce and after, you will be better off. And if he is that lazy, he may find giving you a hard time too much effort. All the best to you.

I'm so sorry this happened. I have had similar happen too. 'oh do you have to take him to the emergency doctors today I was planning to go to the pub at that time'. Wtaf. Yes I have gone total grey rock but it's making me loose myself. Im now in therapy which I think will be my rock over the next few months. It's just all about them isn't it. It's so sad they have no capacity to care for others.

Thank you. So sorry to hear about your mum. I keep thinking this is what will happen to me too. The empathy I've had from other people, including strangers on here is leaps and bounds above anything he has done/said to me.

Oh yes ditto. When the kids were opening their presents he was like 'that must have been expensive'....I asked him to buy one thing (that he knows about) for £30. The amount of moaning I've had over that £30 he spent!

He says he does enough when I've asked him to do more.

But I mean the logistics of drop offs, pick ups, and if plans change. Things where we both have to go - parents evening, school events etc. He won't take them to after school clubs so will they miss out on those if they're at his.

Yup! And drinks don't forget the drinks! 😭

Thank you and so sorry. That's so heartless of him. They really know how to pull the heart strings when they need to don't they. But think such men are incapable of changing. A good man knows his wife needs his support at such time.