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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum calling my childhood bully "nice" and "respectful"

160 replies

BeckyWithTheGoodBear · 05/01/2025 21:35

Hi, I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

I was badly bullied by a former friend when I was 13. This led to an eating disorder and self esteem issues that, to be honest, have plagued me my whole life.

I'm now mid 40s and my mum is mid 70s. My mum is friends with my former bully's mother and has contact with said bully. I have told my mum recently, in detail, how I was bullied by her but didn't draw a direct line to the eating disorder.

DH, DC and I were over at my mum's house for dinner and my mum starts taking about my former bully. I point out that she bullied me and my mum proceeded to tell my DH that she thinks the bully is nice and that she has always been respectful of my mum. My mum said she is entitled to think this, which I agree with, but I think calling her nice to my face is a bit much.

I've come home and I can't stop crying. I'm not sure why I'm so triggered but I am. I feel so let down and sorry for 13 year old me and feel like my feelings are being brushed under the carpet again.

I know it all sounds a bit petty but I genuinely feel very hurt. I haven't had therapy for my but but I probably should.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 05/01/2025 21:56

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this, fully understand, you've had the rug swept from under you, someone you love and cherish, who is meant to love and cherish you standing with your abuser.

I'm not sure what advice to give but I didn't want to read and run. My first thought would be to explain to mum that the bully is the root of your 13 yr old hurt and pain, and even though she has since been nice to mum, she hurt you very badly historically. Mum will either stand by her view, or change it, I'm not convinced she will change, and I don't know how I'd deal with that. Maybe cut contact for some time, explaining that you don't want to hear about the bully, you need some time to yourself

Ohthatsabitshit · 05/01/2025 22:03

Well she ISN’T nice she is just two faced. She was horrible to you and you are allowed to just respond that she was a vile little arse to you and you don’t want to talk about her again.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/01/2025 22:04

What sort of mother makes friends with the woman who bullied her daughter at school badly enough to lead to life long self esteem issues and an eating disorder, never mind telling her daughter that she thinks the bully is nice? That is such an insensitive and cruel thing to say.

I would certainly reduce the time I spent with her and look into getting some therapy.

Bearbookagainandagain · 05/01/2025 22:05

Gently, YABU.
From what you're saying, your mum has a relationship with this person through their mother (apparently for a long time?) and didn't know she had caused you grief until very recently, 26 years after it happened...

I don't think it's completely unreasonable that she base her opinion on her own experience with that individual in these circumstances. She probably doesn't remember that person as a teen but as the adult she's been for a really long time now.

You need to work on yourself if this is affecting you so much.

Choccyscofffy · 05/01/2025 22:07

I would stop visiting my mum until she stops contact with the bully.

Also do not let Mum visit you.

Don’t cave, even for birthdays.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 05/01/2025 22:09

Your mum is being a dickhead. Sorry to be blunt! Honestly though, that's just absolutely twatty. I would hate anyone who bullied my dd.

Butthechildrentheylovethebooks · 05/01/2025 22:10

No, YANBU. If anyone bullied my DC and caused them to have ongoing issues the last thing I would ever do is describe them as nice or respectful. In fact my DD was bullied some years ago and I won't post here the names I use to refer to those individuals still to this day.

What about respect to you as her daughter?

Tittat50 · 05/01/2025 22:13

Jesus wept. Your mum is very out of line here. Maybe the bully has changed and is no longer a nasty piece of shit but to completely disregard such a huge horrible experience is way out of order on your mum's part.

I get the sense this sort of behaviour is typical of your mum. The fact you question whether you are over reacting also tells me you are probably used to being accused of being ' too sensitive ' or you are ' over reacting ' and you've heard that alot from your mum or other family members. I'd be putting mum at a significant distance and would cut communication down significantly. If she cares enough to ask why I'd kindly explain how incredibly dismissive, cruel and hurtful this behaviour is. She is refusing to even hear you and what you experienced.

Not ok.

Createausername1970 · 05/01/2025 22:13

Your mum has based her opinion on the person she knows now, and from what you have said I think she was unaware of the bullying until you recently told her?

You are basing your opinion on the person you knew then.

It must be extremely hard to have gone through this, and now feel that what happened is being minimised, especially by your own mum.

But I don't think your mum has been unreasonable, she hasn't done anything deliberate to hurt you, it's just circumstances.

Headingtowardsdivorce · 05/01/2025 22:14

Your mum has no emotional intelligence, or very low at least.

Guest100 · 05/01/2025 22:14

If your mum mentions it again tell her you don’t care and don’t want to hear about it. If she mentions it again get up and leave. Even if you are in the middle of dinner. If she is at your house ask her to leave.
Its a horrible situation.

Octonaut4Life · 05/01/2025 22:16

Did your mum actually know about any of this at the time? If it's completely new information to her and you've only talked about it once I think it's reasonable to try to have another discussion with her and emphasize the impact of this ongoing relationship.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/01/2025 22:16

Bearbookagainandagain · 05/01/2025 22:05

Gently, YABU.
From what you're saying, your mum has a relationship with this person through their mother (apparently for a long time?) and didn't know she had caused you grief until very recently, 26 years after it happened...

I don't think it's completely unreasonable that she base her opinion on her own experience with that individual in these circumstances. She probably doesn't remember that person as a teen but as the adult she's been for a really long time now.

You need to work on yourself if this is affecting you so much.

But her daughter has recently told her about the bullying in great detail. Most normal parents would feel really upset to find out about how badly their child had been bullied and the last thing they would do is tell their child that they thought that the bully was really nice.

Her mum needs to work on her empathy and mothering skills.

Prefixing your post with 'gently' doesn't make it any kinder and less victim blamey.

Kitchenspade · 05/01/2025 22:18

Ergh my mum did this. Was all over her Facebook page telling her she was so good and how beautiful and fawning over wedding photos. I get disbelief if I'm doing well in life. We also have the same name which twists the knife a bit more

StillTryingToKeepGoing · 05/01/2025 22:19

So the 13 year old version of this woman was a bully. Have you seen her recently and is she still like she was or has she grown up and is remorseful of how she behaved as a very young teenager ?

MasterBeth · 05/01/2025 22:43

It's insensitive of your mum to say how nice this woman is now but, also, the woman now is not the 13 year-old who bullied you.

I think your idea of therapy is a good one.

RosannaSpider · 05/01/2025 22:44

You're not unreasonable I still have bitter feelings towards people who hurt me in school.

NarNarGoon · 05/01/2025 22:46

If the bullying had occurred recently, or if your mother knew back when you were 13 that you were being bullied by this girl, then I would agree that your mother has no loyalty and is behaving badly.

However, it’s been 30 years. If this woman is the daughter of her close friend then your mother probably has years of positive stories being told to her, as well as her own positive interactions - I think it’s unreasonable to expect your mother to blank a long time friend and her daughter with no explanation for events that happened 30 years ago. Nobody is the same person they were at 13 so it’s highly probable that this woman has grown up and is the nice person your mum knows her to be. That doesn’t take away from your experience of bullying but it’s unreasonable to expect your experience of over 30 years ago to supersede the more recent and years long positive experiences that your mother has with her.

i think you can tell your mother you don’t wish to speak about or hear about this woman, i think therapy would be useful to deal with the long term impact of the bullying and perhaps look into whether you’re truly upset because of this woman or because you feel like your mother has chosen this woman (the bully) over you.

Spirallingdownwards · 05/01/2025 22:49

Createausername1970 · 05/01/2025 22:13

Your mum has based her opinion on the person she knows now, and from what you have said I think she was unaware of the bullying until you recently told her?

You are basing your opinion on the person you knew then.

It must be extremely hard to have gone through this, and now feel that what happened is being minimised, especially by your own mum.

But I don't think your mum has been unreasonable, she hasn't done anything deliberate to hurt you, it's just circumstances.

She has. Knowing that she bullied her daughter she could have simply said nothing at all

Nantescalling · 05/01/2025 22:50

If you never spelled out the connexion to your eating disorders with the bullying, it's time you did. If any of your schoolfriends who witnessed the bullying are close enough to ask, get them to talk to your Mum.

sherbertcandy · 05/01/2025 23:00

I can relate to this in a way as recently saw on a social media a post from a person who bullied me at school. I am in two minds to contact her and explain what she did to me or do I let it go?

mrsm43s · 05/01/2025 23:20

OP, I'm so sorry life has been difficult for you. But, I'm not sure a 13 year old child can be blamed for someone else's lifelong self esteem issues and eating disorders.

pikkumyy77 · 05/01/2025 23:26

mrsm43s · 05/01/2025 23:20

OP, I'm so sorry life has been difficult for you. But, I'm not sure a 13 year old child can be blamed for someone else's lifelong self esteem issues and eating disorders.

Probably it is as much down to an unsupportive mother.

ElsaGreen · 05/01/2025 23:32

Are you sure your bully was the root cause of your teenage MH issues and eating disorder?

Because I think your mum might have had something to do with that too... good parents do not behave the way your mum has.

If my DD told me someone had bullied her I would dislike them intensely - that's the appropriate maternal response.

I think some therapy would be a good idea x

saraclara · 05/01/2025 23:41

Createausername1970 · 05/01/2025 22:13

Your mum has based her opinion on the person she knows now, and from what you have said I think she was unaware of the bullying until you recently told her?

You are basing your opinion on the person you knew then.

It must be extremely hard to have gone through this, and now feel that what happened is being minimised, especially by your own mum.

But I don't think your mum has been unreasonable, she hasn't done anything deliberate to hurt you, it's just circumstances.

That.

The bullying happened 30 years ago. Realistically your bully is probably not the same person that she was 30 years ago. Your mum has a separate relationship with her mum, and is likely only to have met her daughter in passing.

You've only just now told her about the bullying, and without the extra information about how badly it affected you, her response, though not the best, isn't horrendous. To her it will have been in the dim and distant past and she's not to know that you're not over it. She was just making conversation about the middle aged person that she met, who was polite and pleasant to her.