Mum calling my childhood bully "nice" and "respectful"

[BeckyWithTheGoodBear]

Hi, I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

I was badly bullied by a former friend when I was 13. This led to an eating disorder and self esteem issues that, to be honest, have plagued me my whole life.

I'm now mid 40s and my mum is mid 70s. My mum is friends with my former bully's mother and has contact with said bully. I have told my mum recently, in detail, how I was bullied by her but didn't draw a direct line to the eating disorder.

DH, DC and I were over at my mum's house for dinner and my mum starts taking about my former bully. I point out that she bullied me and my mum proceeded to tell my DH that she thinks the bully is nice and that she has always been respectful of my mum. My mum said she is entitled to think this, which I agree with, but I think calling her nice to my face is a bit much.

I've come home and I can't stop crying. I'm not sure why I'm so triggered but I am. I feel so let down and sorry for 13 year old me and feel like my feelings are being brushed under the carpet again.

I know it all sounds a bit petty but I genuinely feel very hurt. I haven't had therapy for my but but I probably should.

Same!
Her experience of her was obviously different because she presented a different face to your mum.
But in your mum's shoes, as soon as I discovered that while she had been nothing but a week bright up young woman towards me she also was a total cow to my daughter.... My view of her character would encompass that additional information and I would not only see that one dimensional view ever again!!

I would now know her as a cruel bully, because that was the experience of my loved one.
In fact I would think she was spectacularly two faced being nice to my face while making my own DD feel like shit.

I think your mum is taking a cowardly way by choosing not to digest this information. It is more comfortable for her to continue liking this person, it keeps her friendship with the other mum uncomplicated and saves her re-evaluating her relationship with the other DD - your bully.

Which stinks, because she should be on your team.

Your distress, the natural consequence of this lived experience - invisible, dismissed, not worthy of recognition, action or acknowledgment.

Yeah that's crap.

I'd have cried too.

Yabu on 2 counts

1 to judge someone on the basis of what they were like as a kid in the throes of puberty
2 To seek to dictate who your mum should be friends with.

You do know that some bullied children/teenagers have taken their own lives? Are these also the snowflakes that you don't 'pamper' to? Bullying can ruin lives and is often much more than a couple of childish insults in the playground and I'm assuming that the bullying that was directed at OP was much worse than that.

Your lack of empathy and understanding is horrible and you are so smug about it.

By the way, it's 'pander' to. I suppose you would have been absolutely fine if you'd been bullied for your poor reading and writing skills at school.

Your posts to OP are unkind. It's rather ironic that you completely dismiss the impact of childhood bullying, referring to the victims as snowflakes, but you complain about being called a 'mean girl'. Isn't that rather thin-skinned, 'snowflake' behaviour?

1. Everyone goes through the 'throes' of puberty but most people manage not to turn into vicious bullies as a result.
2. OP isn't dictating who her mum should be friends with. She is upset that, completely unprompted, her mum started talking about how nice and respectful OP's childhood bully was, in front of OP, her DH and OP's chldren. That was insensitive and completely uncalled for.

Hey fellow friend, my mum was exactly the same, however mine started when I was 3 years old (I’m now 43). This week I have cut contact with my mother, however that’s about another issue…

My mum has and still is best mates with my bullies mum, weekly coffees, text messages etc. I don’t want to know about what my bully gets up but my mum proceeds to tell me and the moment I tell her I don’t want to know my god it gets twisted to the fact that I’m jealous of her and I want to be like her (wtf) and we both get into a row!

My son is also having a few problems at school and as soon as I was pregnant I vowed to him that I would NEVER do this and I haven’t. I want my son to know I’ve got his back if things happen and thank god he does know.

It is the most toxic thing ever. I have several issues from this such as hair pulling and nail biting which I’ve been told by my councillor that it’s a coping mechanism.

I recommend going to therapy to it will help you

Does your mother have form for ‘poking’ at you like this to upset you??? Either she’s being deliberately unkind or lacks emotional intelligence.

OP sorry this happened to you and these feelings were brought up by what your DM said and hopefully you will be able to heal some of the old wounds that you didn’t know were still there.

I wouldn’t expect an apology, but depending on the relationship generally with DM now, if you feel able to, could you tell her examples what this person did and how it affected you? That you are still battling some issues from the bullying now and ask DM not to mention her (in a positive light) again as you find it triggering/upsetting?

This 👆 Also it is possible that someone who was a bitch and a bully has become a nice person as a 40-year-old adult.

This is not to detract from your trauma and you can’t be expected to like, or want any contact with her. In your shoes, I would explain to you mother how you feel and that it’s best she doesn’t raise this subject in your presence.

I would feel utterly and absolutely betrayed if my mum described anyone who had bullied me as anything other than scum.
and she WOULD never describe them as anything other than scum.
no matter how well they put on a nicey nicey front, they are still a person that took pleasure in ruining other peoples lives. that's not normal. that's something fundamentally wrong, enjoying hurting other people.

literally the only reason I'm still alive is because I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of "winning"

There is no way you're mum didn't know. She is lying.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work and I wouldn't blame you if you went low or no contact with her.

She was probably your first bully.

My daughter is 12. No way would I treat her like that, much less allow anyone else to.

I don't blame you. I, too, was bullied horribly when at school by the children of a couple of families. They were vile little shits then and I expect they're still vile little shits now.

It took me years to rationalise the situation, although it didn't make me feel any better about it. Frankly, I'd happily dance on their graves.

exactly. I doubt that thing that was fundamentally wrong in their minds that they enjoyed inflicting misery on other people for fun, ever really goes away.

I hope everyone who thought that making me cry and making my life so utterly miserable when I was at school has had a miserable life. like they gave me.

Well your mums never going to know how you feel if you don’t tell her.

You can’t expect her to read your mind, let her know that you feel very let down, how this was your bully and the long term effect it’s had on you and how her choosing to spend time with this woman makes you feel.

okay then. under what circumstances ARE bullying acceptable then?
if there's a perfectly reasonable reason why that nasty person enjoyed bullying them.

that seems to be the current trend.
anything about bullying and they're all so quick to talk about how the bully is the "real" victim.
hardly anybody seems to have the spine to say that there is something fundamentally WRONG with someone who enjoys causing other people suffering.
the people being bullied are the victims. NOT the bullies. they're just horrible people who enjoy being spiteful to others.

bullying isn't "naughty" it's cruel and spiteful.

Hear, hear!

Some of the people on this thread seem to be the type that would watch their child suffering from being bullied and then rush to be friends with the bully and their mum and bang on to their child how lovely the bully is.

With respect, you’re projecting. I was bullied in my own schooldays, and my DS was (briefly) bullied at primary before I tackled it via the school — and it’s very clear to me that DS’s bully was a disturbed, neglected child with a mother well known to SS and a father in their home country whom he only saw rarely. He will almost certainly be in a juvenile offenders’ institution by the time he’s 15. My own bully I occasionally see around if I visit my parents. She’s had lifelong addiction issues, and has done prison time.

That doesn’t mean I condone bullying in any sense. Why would I? It had a measurable negative impact on my life and that of my child. But to dub it ‘horrible people who enjoy being spiteful’ is just reductive.

I believe that childhood bullies can change. As human beings our identities don’t get fixed or frozen at a certain point in time. That being said, a loving parent should have your back.

Is your mother doing this on purpose? Every normal person in the world would be aware that talking about how lovely someone’s bully (or even former bully) is to that person’s victim would be hurtful. The fact this is your mother makes it 10 times worse. What a horrible person your mother is. I’d see less of her.

Your mums a dick!

I was tormented and harassed by one girl at school decades ago, and I was still thinking of her occasionally with resentment, until a recent "old girls' reunion" at our school. And there she was, a perfectly agreeable adult, who had done well academically and had a very successful career, in those respects much more successful than me. She said she'd been married and divorced, and has subsequently been in a long and happy relationship with a woman.

I wonder whether I had exaggerated my hurt as a teenager, perhaps some deep down jealousy, recognising that this girl was a very strong character, and was destined for worldly success. Plus the fact that her father was, at that time, famous and hugely respected, whereas my own father (a loving and kindly man) was modest and perpetually hard-up. Yes, maybe I was over-sensitive and envious, and not the " bullied victim " I created.