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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum calling my childhood bully "nice" and "respectful"

160 replies

BeckyWithTheGoodBear · 05/01/2025 21:35

Hi, I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

I was badly bullied by a former friend when I was 13. This led to an eating disorder and self esteem issues that, to be honest, have plagued me my whole life.

I'm now mid 40s and my mum is mid 70s. My mum is friends with my former bully's mother and has contact with said bully. I have told my mum recently, in detail, how I was bullied by her but didn't draw a direct line to the eating disorder.

DH, DC and I were over at my mum's house for dinner and my mum starts taking about my former bully. I point out that she bullied me and my mum proceeded to tell my DH that she thinks the bully is nice and that she has always been respectful of my mum. My mum said she is entitled to think this, which I agree with, but I think calling her nice to my face is a bit much.

I've come home and I can't stop crying. I'm not sure why I'm so triggered but I am. I feel so let down and sorry for 13 year old me and feel like my feelings are being brushed under the carpet again.

I know it all sounds a bit petty but I genuinely feel very hurt. I haven't had therapy for my but but I probably should.

OP posts:

CrowleyKitten · 10/01/2025 05:54

Squadrona · 08/01/2025 20:44

With respect, you’re projecting. I was bullied in my own schooldays, and my DS was (briefly) bullied at primary before I tackled it via the school — and it’s very clear to me that DS’s bully was a disturbed, neglected child with a mother well known to SS and a father in their home country whom he only saw rarely. He will almost certainly be in a juvenile offenders’ institution by the time he’s 15. My own bully I occasionally see around if I visit my parents. She’s had lifelong addiction issues, and has done prison time.

That doesn’t mean I condone bullying in any sense. Why would I? It had a measurable negative impact on my life and that of my child. But to dub it ‘horrible people who enjoy being spiteful’ is just reductive.

Show quote history

see, here is that weird trend of trying to make out that the bullies are the "real" victims, it's bullshit

CrowleyKitten · 10/01/2025 05:58

Kasparhauser · 09/01/2025 09:40

I was tormented and harassed by one girl at school decades ago, and I was still thinking of her occasionally with resentment, until a recent "old girls' reunion" at our school. And there she was, a perfectly agreeable adult, who had done well academically and had a very successful career, in those respects much more successful than me. She said she'd been married and divorced, and has subsequently been in a long and happy relationship with a woman.

I wonder whether I had exaggerated my hurt as a teenager, perhaps some deep down jealousy, recognising that this girl was a very strong character, and was destined for worldly success. Plus the fact that her father was, at that time, famous and hugely respected, whereas my own father (a loving and kindly man) was modest and perpetually hard-up. Yes, maybe I was over-sensitive and envious, and not the " bullied victim " I created.

it's so sad that you've turned it around in your head to think she's better than you and you were jealous, and that that excuses her being a bully

Anycrispsleft · 10/01/2025 06:21

I can't imagine meeting a bully of my children and thinking "she seems nice, don't know what they were moaning about" - but my mother was like this as well. There were two girls at school who made my life a misery for about 3 years, one of them once did something that actually got her suspended from school and as a result of that my mum spoke to her dad, who by all accounts was lovely. Her narrative from then on was that that girl was being manipulated by the other one, that she was really a nice person at heart but she was easily led. This is a girl who tried to set my hair on fire. But the dad had been nice to my mum, so that was more important [shrug]

I'm pretty jaded about all this stuff OP, so maybe I'm being unfair to your mother and she really is just unaware of the effect of this girl, but if she is anything like mine I suspect that bringing it up with her again will just lead to her digging in and trying to "prove" to you how nice she is now. You're under no obligation to listen to this shite. If the woman has her good points, let people who she hasn't bullied try to appreciate them.

Squadrona · 10/01/2025 07:17

CrowleyKitten · 10/01/2025 05:54

see, here is that weird trend of trying to make out that the bullies are the "real" victims, it's bullshit

Show quote history

Sigh. Try thinking about why you’re so addicted to the ‘bullies are just evil people inexplicably doing evil things because they’re Scorpios’ or whatever it is you actually think.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/01/2025 09:14

Squadrona · 10/01/2025 07:17

Sigh. Try thinking about why you’re so addicted to the ‘bullies are just evil people inexplicably doing evil things because they’re Scorpios’ or whatever it is you actually think.

Show quote history

Some people are just talking about their own experience with bullies and how this made them feel and how it has affected their lives long term, to counter the 'bullies are misunderstood and are probably really nice now' narrative in some of the posts.

OP's post isn't even about her bully per se. It's about her mum's reaction to her daughter finally opening up and telling her about the bullying and its impact on her life and her mum not just shrugging it off but actually telling OP that actually the bully is a really nice person. That's a pretty shitty thing for OP's mum to do. Even if her own experiences with OP's childhood bully are positive, how does it help or support her daughter by telling her this?

I'm sure that some bullies have a terrible home life, possibly struggle at school and take it out on other children. Some bullies have no such issues and just enjoy tormenting their victims.

There has also been a lot of minimising of the long term effects on the victims of bullying which can be serious and life-long. It's not just just someone with glasses once being called 'speccy four eyes' as one particularly clueless poster said.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 11/01/2025 10:29

There are plenty of children who had terrible home lives who didn’t go on and bully other children.

Whilst I’m all for looking for the reason why someone is bullying, doesn’t excuse them and my sympathies lie far more with the bullied person.

If my mum made friends with my childhood bully, I don’t think I could ever forgive her but then I know that she completely had my back and wouldn’t ever do that to me.

JennyTals · 11/01/2025 10:33

You are not being over sensitive
what a weird thjgg bf for your mum to do doing front of your dc
for me that’s where she really really over stepped
I’d tell her how much she’s hurt you and take a break from her

WhatNoRaisins · 11/01/2025 11:20

I'm not a fan of the maybe the bully had a bad home life. That's not their victims burden to bear, that was for the adults at the time to be concerned with.

For many victims the only way to move on is to live like the bully doesn't exist. I no longer wish anything bad on my bullies (well most of the time) but I don't want contact or to hear what they are up to.

OP I get that you can't dictate who your mother is friends with but she should be keeping this part of her life separate if that's what you need.

Squadrona · 11/01/2025 12:45

WhatNoRaisins · 11/01/2025 11:20

I'm not a fan of the maybe the bully had a bad home life. That's not their victims burden to bear, that was for the adults at the time to be concerned with.

OP I get that you can't dictate who your mother is friends with but she should be keeping this part of her life separate if that's what you need.

Absolutely it’s not the victim’s problem if their bully is abused or unhappy. We are ultimately responsible for how we act towards others. My point is only that the ‘bullies are fundamentally evil people who randomly do evil things’ is overly simplistic.

CrowleyKitten · 12/01/2025 04:01

Squadrona · 10/01/2025 07:17

Sigh. Try thinking about why you’re so addicted to the ‘bullies are just evil people inexplicably doing evil things because they’re Scorpios’ or whatever it is you actually think.

Show quote history

you know, maybe it's normal to not have compassion for people that were actively trying to make you kill yourself.

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