Mum calling my childhood bully "nice" and "respectful"

[BeckyWithTheGoodBear]

Hi, I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

I was badly bullied by a former friend when I was 13. This led to an eating disorder and self esteem issues that, to be honest, have plagued me my whole life.

I'm now mid 40s and my mum is mid 70s. My mum is friends with my former bully's mother and has contact with said bully. I have told my mum recently, in detail, how I was bullied by her but didn't draw a direct line to the eating disorder.

DH, DC and I were over at my mum's house for dinner and my mum starts taking about my former bully. I point out that she bullied me and my mum proceeded to tell my DH that she thinks the bully is nice and that she has always been respectful of my mum. My mum said she is entitled to think this, which I agree with, but I think calling her nice to my face is a bit much.

I've come home and I can't stop crying. I'm not sure why I'm so triggered but I am. I feel so let down and sorry for 13 year old me and feel like my feelings are being brushed under the carpet again.

I know it all sounds a bit petty but I genuinely feel very hurt. I haven't had therapy for my but but I probably should.

I completely agree. Also, to say that the mum ‘probably doesn’t remember’ the bully as a teen as it was a long time ago is absurd and irrelevant.

Simple, break contact with your mother, friends are more important than family, friends have your back.

And she shares that trait with quite a few posters here. I’ve heard the krays were very kind to their mother.

your mistake op, and I know why you did it, was to tell her and expect her to join the dots and think oh if I say that persons lovely that will upset my daughter.

No, her mum doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to have that conversation and the op will just be left feeling more upset.

It’s been 30 years. Nobody is the same person they were at 13.

Blimey my DC’s are now adults but I still have a mental list of all of the kids who were slightly mean to them.
I was actually talking to adult DC’s about this at Christmas and they thought it was hilarious that I still had plans to run down these kids for events they can’t even remember. I always thought I would be great in the mafia; I’m excellent at holding a grudge.
So I think your mum is being very mean and should’ve on your side.

I agree with this, she is probably being extra nice to your mum on purpose, she could have changed but she still did all that hurt and pain and ruined a chunk of your life so why the hell would you want your mum saying these things about her! My mum has done the same to me, a girl who used to bully me at school, my mum says she works at morrisons and she is such a lovely girl. Their generation lacks emotional intelligence.

I am very protective of my children and even if the once bullies improved, I still keep a very alert eye and never "like" the bullies. This is my nature as a mum, and also I was not protected by my parents as a child this is very important to me. A mum that does not protect her child no matter what age is The Problem, not the bully. Look at animals, also look at people. Protection is very basic form of love and care.
You are now mature and can access therapy. You will understand. I wish you all the best.

If after 30 years you still have this much unresolved trauma over this that it’s bothering you to this extent, you really need to get yourself some therapy.

The person who bullied you was a child, a horrible child I do not doubt. However they are now a grown adult and it is very common that adults who were bullies in childhood are deeply remorseful for their actions and carry a lot of shame for them. Perhaps it would be cathartic for both of you to talk about it and perhaps this woman is in fact really lovely and has grown up to be a good person.

But first you certainly need to get some help to resolve the lingering issues you have attached to this.

Yanbu. Whilst she is technically correct, I don't think that's a typical reaction from any parent. Most parents would feel anger at someone who bullied their child at the time, and likely be wary of them when they were older (or of they think the bully has genuinely changed, at least have the empathy to stay silent about it)

Respectfully, who gives a flying f*?

Maybe not everyone but I’d bet a hefty amount on unpleasant psychopaths who bully a friend into an eating disorder at 13 still being unpleasant people as adults.

No you are not unreasonable. I was not bullied in school but by my Mother In Law. Nice as pie when others where present but when we were alone, oh boy. She would 'phone my Mum and tell her how much she loved me "as if she were my own daughter". Of course Mammy thought MIL was lovely. It was only when my brother saw her in action (with a.n. other) that he realised how vile she was. It took him having a chat with Mammy for her to see the truth. (Sorry for the long story). I do think therapy is an excellent idea, I would also recruit your partner or sibling, a close friend (?) to back you up with M. The bully may have grown into a better human being, that does NOT negate your trauma. Take care my dear. xx

Me too!!!

Gently. Bullshit.

I would have to agree with this post.

I'd sit my mother down and tell her to listen, really listen to what you're saying.

Tell her what the bully did to you, how your self esteem was affected and how the bullying lead to your eating disorder. Lay it out really clearly for her to be able to see that the joined dots lead from you (the bullied) straight to this other person (the bully).

I'd then tell her that if she cannot and will not stand up for her daughter, then her daughter cannot and will not be in contact with her until she does. I'd put it in such stark terms that she has no wiggle room. Your mother picks - her daughter or the person who bullied her daughter.

Then I would have no guilt whatsoever in walking away if she went for the bully. Let the bully step up and look after not only her own mother but yours too!

You're entitled to your feelings, but kids are stupid (meant in the nicest possible way!) And don't always understand the impact that their words and actions have on someone. I have a friend who was badly bullied in school - she had a noose round her neck, held down and had hair removal cream smeared on her arms, rugby tackled in the corridor...it got so bad that she turned to drink and eventually tried taking her own life. She got better, had therapy and came to terms with everything. Years later, she came face to face with one of her bullies. He saw her, and went over to her to apologise for everything he had put her through. He wasn't the same person.

I do think you should seek therapy so that you can move on with your life, but this person probably is a lovely person now; they're not 13 anymore

That sounds horrible OP I know how crippling being reminded on childhood bully's can be.

Have you spoken to your bully since childhood or are they aware of the impact they had on your life? I ask because in my mid twenties I wrote an email to my childhood bully explaining their impact but wishing them well. I didn't expect a reply and only did it for a release but they did get back to me and apologised. I was then able to find some closure.

Oh darling, you most certainly aren't unreasonable. But I can assure you, your bully probably has never been nothing but kind and respectful to your mum, so your mum now finds it difficult to fathom how she could have possibly bullied you liked ypu say and you can't fathom her ever being kind and respectful. Neither of your are assholes. You've just both experienced a very different person. Oh and you have every right to tell your mum that's not a conversation you'd like to have

And "they only hurt their own kind"... This narrative of the Krays drives me mad

@BeckyWithTheGoodBear Your mum is an effing idiot, and nasty to boot. She is defending the bully and expecting YOU to change your opinion!! . I couldnt get past that.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable! I was bullied at school too. This also led onto depression and eating disorders for me too.
I understand that the bully isn't the same person as she was 30 years ago. None of us are.
However, these experiences often sadly stick with us, though. I'm so sorry you're going through all this, I really am.
xx

I'm also going to suggest that the people who are saying that YABU here may also be the people who managed to negotiate primary and secondary school and possibly longer without ever having been bullied and wouldn't have experienced what it is like to be bullied.

My mother used to come out with shit like yours, OP. It's important to understand that your mother will not change, no matter what you say to her. And then you decide what you want to do about her. it may be that you continue to argue and get upset or you can stop contact with her. I don't exactly know why, but my tactic many years ago was to stop listening to her and stop caring what she thought. Her opinions were all shit - have a look at what else your mother goes on about, I bet a lot of it is a load of crap. It's a shame not to have a supportive mother to turn to and I have always envied those with nice mothers, but there we are.

@BeckyWithTheGoodBear that is very upsetting. My parents did a version of this with the person who abused me and my sister. It was complicated by the person being a family member but they absolutely made my not just getting over it the problem rather than the behaviour of the abuser as some people have done here to you on this thread too.

Someone else put it well you likely struggled as much with your mother’s deficiencies as a mother as you did with the bullying. Certainly I could not have gone to my parents with the abuse I was experiencing due to what I can see now was my having a good handle on their significant character and parenting flaws as a young child.

It is very triggering and upsetting and I am sorry you experienced that at 13 and the rerun now with your Mum who clearly lacks empathy and emotional maturity.

Bullies are good at manipulating. She will have wanted your mum to think she’s “nice”. Your mother has been played by the bully. However I would expect more emotional maturity from your mother. It was hurtful of her to say what she said. it sounds like your mother suppressed the more difficult emotions and muddled along and your left with all the emotional baggage. You need to find a safe place to put it all down and take the weight off your shoulders. Counselling might be helpful.