Mum calling my childhood bully "nice" and "respectful"

[BeckyWithTheGoodBear]

Hi, I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

I was badly bullied by a former friend when I was 13. This led to an eating disorder and self esteem issues that, to be honest, have plagued me my whole life.

I'm now mid 40s and my mum is mid 70s. My mum is friends with my former bully's mother and has contact with said bully. I have told my mum recently, in detail, how I was bullied by her but didn't draw a direct line to the eating disorder.

DH, DC and I were over at my mum's house for dinner and my mum starts taking about my former bully. I point out that she bullied me and my mum proceeded to tell my DH that she thinks the bully is nice and that she has always been respectful of my mum. My mum said she is entitled to think this, which I agree with, but I think calling her nice to my face is a bit much.

I've come home and I can't stop crying. I'm not sure why I'm so triggered but I am. I feel so let down and sorry for 13 year old me and feel like my feelings are being brushed under the carpet again.

I know it all sounds a bit petty but I genuinely feel very hurt. I haven't had therapy for my but but I probably should.

Tell your mum you don't wish to hear about her friendship with your childhood bully and if she keeps mentioning her reduce contact. Bullies don't bully everyone, they pick on one person. So it's not an achievement on your mum's part that the woman is nice to her. There are enough people in the world that we don't need to befriend people who bullied family members. Even if they may have changed. Doesn't mean we have to hang out with them.

How awful. My DS was badly bullied and I could never be friends with anyone connected to the bully

Exactly all this. 100%

It’s irrelevant if this woman (previous bully) is now a nice reformed character, your Mother should be defensive of you no matter what.
I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced this OP, be gentle on yourself and perhaps take a little time away from your Mother.
Therapy will probably help, but I suspect that your mother may feature heavily in your sessions.

You are not 13 any more and neither is your bully. She’s likely grown up and changed. Explain to your mum how you feel, and while you cannot tell her what to do, you do not want contact with this person and you don’t want to hear about her … then get some help.

I was about to say exactly this. I was bullied and it still affects me occasionally now. Children have ended their own lives due to bullying. I couldn't put my son through what OP is putting her daughter through.

I could never be friends with dd1's childhood bully or her mum. I don't care if she has now become saintly, she still caused dd1 pain in the past and I'll concentrate my friendships on people who have never hurt my family members instead.

There seems to be much more compassion, understanding and kindness from some posters for the bully rather than for the person who was bullied.

You’d have to wonder if it is about a tendency to victim blame/be quite dismissive of people showing any emotion about traumatic experiences or a tendency to identify more with bullies than the victims of bullying.

It is an interesting phenomenon. With MN being the size it is you will get a lot of people with both tendencies I guess.

Assuming the bully is also in her mid-40s, like the OP, it’s perfectly possibly she has little or no memory of being 13 — I certainly don’t. School was miserable. I have forgotten pretty much everything until I hit university and got happy.

I agree with this.
Sorry about what you went through OP

I understand you're feelings, OP. Your mum has disregarded your experience with this bully and how it has affected you. She has let you down by being complimentary of your bully and shown a lack of sensitivity.

Speak to her about it again, when you're ready.

Meh, 20+ years is a lifetime ago. I wouldn't be holding an adult in their 40's responsible for the naughty behavior of a teenager.

If you think you need therapy to get there, that's probably a good idea.

I would imagine that most people would remember bullying someone badly enough to lead to an eating disorder and lifelong self esteem issues for the victim.

I'm not sure I would equate bullying to 'naughty behaviour'. I don't use the word naughty, but would associate it with stealing a chocolate bar from the treat jar, or a young child scribbling on a wall. Bullying is deliberate, targeted and repeated. There's a power imbalance and it is incredibly harmful. Certainly worse than relatively benign 'naughtiness'.

Why do people still not realise manipulative people treat different people differently. Bullies know exactly who they can bully and who to schmooze. So many adult mean girls out there who will have been just like op’s bully when in school.

I guess it's doomed then, this is my opinion, you don't have to agree with it!

@Twinkletoes127 is probably one of the adult mean girls herself. Or a former school bully who thinks the terrorised victims should show clairvoyance and empathy for their abuser, whilst trying to manage the trauma inflicted upon them 🙄

How is this helpful?! Ffs.

That made me laugh this evening, so thanks for that! I am neither, I was very mild mannered at school many moons ago, and continue to be so. I just also don't pamper to snowflakes sobbing into their pillows about being called specky 4 eyes, or skinny beanpole 20+ years ago.
It's utterly bizare to blame someone else for your actions as OP has done. Putting the blame on a child for her life long issues, then sulking because the actual people irl who know her don't agree and can see that this "bully" is in fact. A perfectly normal adult woman.

Nobody is asking you to “pamper to snowflakes” Op has shared her own trauma it was her lived experience so why wouldn't we believe that.

Not all bullying is teasing and not all teasing is bullying, but I'm afraid the impact of the trauma is for the person on the receiving end to decipher. Not the bystander.

Some bullying is pretty vicious and can lead victims to suicide. I bet the teachers and schools where suicide victims attended, initially passed it off as a bit of teasing too.

Even seemingly “normal adult women” can be superficially nice to their mothers elderly friend it means nothing does it.

Maybe, maybe not, but your mean girl came or there , calling me didn't it,where it was not at all called for.

You get to think your way, I get to think mine.
I haven't been mean not once, not will I.

I beg to differ. I think calling the victim of bullying so severe it triggered an eating disorder a “snowflake” is mean girl behaviour.

Now your clutching. Goodnight

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