Mum calling my childhood bully "nice" and "respectful"

[BeckyWithTheGoodBear]

Hi, I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

I was badly bullied by a former friend when I was 13. This led to an eating disorder and self esteem issues that, to be honest, have plagued me my whole life.

I'm now mid 40s and my mum is mid 70s. My mum is friends with my former bully's mother and has contact with said bully. I have told my mum recently, in detail, how I was bullied by her but didn't draw a direct line to the eating disorder.

DH, DC and I were over at my mum's house for dinner and my mum starts taking about my former bully. I point out that she bullied me and my mum proceeded to tell my DH that she thinks the bully is nice and that she has always been respectful of my mum. My mum said she is entitled to think this, which I agree with, but I think calling her nice to my face is a bit much.

I've come home and I can't stop crying. I'm not sure why I'm so triggered but I am. I feel so let down and sorry for 13 year old me and feel like my feelings are being brushed under the carpet again.

I know it all sounds a bit petty but I genuinely feel very hurt. I haven't had therapy for my but but I probably should.

If somebody upsets my child, I struggle to forgive and forget. I’d rather someone upset me.

A man once cut my leg with a beer bottle on a drunken night out years ago, I still have the nasty scar. I didn't report it as he was from a local family and didn't want to cause trouble.
My mum still sees him around as she goes to the same pub quiz as him and always has to tell 'oh your friend was there last night' with a laugh as though it is funny!
I have told her 'if someone cut my child's leg open, I wouldn't speak to them again'... she says 'well it would look odd to everyone if I just ignored him!'
Very strange.

I would be very tempted to contact that person but would you be prepared if they responded negatively?

Your mother might have found her nice now but it's a way of phrasing. She could have said "it looks like she has changed" and I don't think you'd be as triggered. Explain to your mother how bad you feel and ask her to never mention her again. YANBU OP. ❤️

The fact that you doubt yourself and what is right, by saying that ‘it all sounds petty’, suggests to me that you may still have self esteem issues.

As a mother myself, if anyone had bullied my child to that extent, there is no chance I’d want to cross paths with them again. If I saw them in the street, I’d offer a smile and hello but that’s it. No matter how convincing they were, I’d not trust them again.

your mother is either extremely naive, delusional, in denial, is insensitive or uncaring about your wellbeing, or actively trying to hurt you. Whichever one it is, you are absolutely in the right place to draw boundaries and keep a distance, for the protection of your wellbeing and your children. Show yourself and your children, that you matter.

Well don't let yourself be a victim again. Not that you did the first time, but as you are now an adult, tell your mother exactly how she made you feel. Tell her what happened and her words and friendship with the bully's mother, and the bully herself, makes her a shit mother. Why should you suffer alone again.

OP you need to make it very clear to your mother how bad the bullying became and what happened as a result of it. She may be pleasant to your mother but she made your life hell. Tell her that her reaction to this woman is deeply hurtful to you and that you do not wish to discuss this person ever again and you are shocked at your mother’s attitude towards this. I am sorry this happened to you op. Your mother is bang out of order

It may be that it isn't just the bullying which has affected you, but also lack of emotional support. I can't imagine that your mother was very supportive in your teenage years, if she can't be more sensitive to you, no matter what she thinks of your former bully now.

It's not an appropriate adult response to dislike someone because another person told you to. That's weird teenage pack mentality and not at all normal.
Op has had an immature emotional reaction to something that happened a long time ago. Op hasn't bothered looking into why the other person may have 'bullied' them. I'm going to throw it out there, but there are 2 sides to every story and it's possible Op is over reacting to being teased as a child.

If this isn't satire, the human race is doomed to become a world of isolated crazies

Yes. It is bad enough to get bullied, but then later to have mum shrug her shoulders…not great. I’ve never quite understood why people think bullying is Ok if enough time has gone by.

If my daughter told me she was bullied like this I would be heartbroken and I would confront them asap

I really feel for you.

My brother did something similar to me and it caused me real pain. I think people seem to think they can sit on the fence but when someone has caused pain to someone else it is right to actually get off the fence!

Anyway, your feelings are completely legitimate. And I also have childhood bullying I haven’t dealt with. It would be good to know what the best thing of therapy would be to heal those wounds.

I still have some bitter feelings against my old school bullies and some of them were teacher.
Which led me to not be keen on teachers and not trust people.
30 year on still have these feelings.
My school years were just awful.
Ans like you op my mother never believe me.
I cut her off completely.

I don't think I could ever have a good opinion of someone who had bullied a family member, but it seems that all too often disclosure results in a first reaction of disbelief. Its a classic that victims of family or close friend child abuse may not be believed when they disclose to their family as adults. Not to defend your Mum but I suspect the disbelief can stem from guilt. Having said all that you need to do what is best for you right now.

You are allowed to feel upset about this, but if this was over 30 years ago, and your mum has only recently become friends with the mother and through her met the bully, I suspect she has trouble connecting the two. Sure she was a bully at 13, but she's 40~whatever now, a different person.

I'm probably explaining myself badly, but if you haven't dealt with this to the point you're crying all evening about it, then I'd hazard a guess you weren't completely open with your mum about how much it hurts (maybe it hadn't even occurred to you until your mum brought it up?!). Unless she knows it's still an issue, then it's easy to pass it off as teenage shenanigans, especially if the ED wasn't linked to the bullying (by your parents).

I am sorry this has upset you, and I do think your mum could have been more tactful, but I also think this is something you need to make your peace with, both with a frank and open conversation with your mum and maybe some therapy to help put those feelings to rest.

There are women, now in their 60s, who were vile to me as teenagers. I don't care whether they have changed, or how much, the damage was done and I wouldn't have anything to do with them. My mum would have my back.

I'm sorry you went through this, really: I had a very similar experience. I'm afraid your mother is the bully you really should be focusing on.

@Twinkletoes127 I don’t think the emotional immaturity on this thread is coming from @BeckyWithTheGoodBear. If a friend told you that someone had badly harmed them when they were younger do you think an emotionally mature response would be to say “oh I like that person she is caring and nice”.

It really is not. People have emotions about experiences they have, the emotionally mature answer is “God I hate that for you, that must have been extremely difficult.” ie a bit of empathising and emotional understanding of the person’s point of view.

You can then work on with perspective changing about someone being a child and the potential for change but you do not invalidate the person in front of you and their experiences as the first course of action unless you lack empathy and emotional maturity.

It's more probable that she isn't a lovely person now. She is in regular contact with OP's mum but hasn't used that connection to contact OP to apologise for her behaviour when they were teenagers. She is showing no signs of remorse at all.

Oh and just for the record not all bullies change and they are often very manipulative people, while of course especially teenagers have the capacity to change the teenager who abused my sister and I continued on doing it into adulthood so that is something to be aware of too.

JFC, the bullying was bad enough to cause a life-long eating disorder for OP.

Are you actually saying that the bully is the victim here because OP hasn't bothered to find out why this person 'bullied' her?

OP hasn't asked her mum to dislike her bully. She is upset that her mum is telling her how nice her bully is, which for most normal people, is a horrible thing for a mum to say to her daughter. Her mum didn't have to mention the bully and her opinions about her in front of OP, her DH and her children.

Your view on past events, including the use of inverted commas when you refer to the 'bullying' OP experienced, is victim blaming at its finest (or worst). I honestly don't understand posters like you. What satisfaction do you get by being so cruel and insensitive to someone who is talking about really difficult experiences and relationships?

This. Your mother sounds like a bully herself.

Hi OP, I've a feeling that your response may have more to do with your mum and your relationship with her rather than the person that bullied you. Was she supportive and were you close growing up?