Mum calling my childhood bully "nice" and "respectful"

[BeckyWithTheGoodBear]

Hi, I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

I was badly bullied by a former friend when I was 13. This led to an eating disorder and self esteem issues that, to be honest, have plagued me my whole life.

I'm now mid 40s and my mum is mid 70s. My mum is friends with my former bully's mother and has contact with said bully. I have told my mum recently, in detail, how I was bullied by her but didn't draw a direct line to the eating disorder.

DH, DC and I were over at my mum's house for dinner and my mum starts taking about my former bully. I point out that she bullied me and my mum proceeded to tell my DH that she thinks the bully is nice and that she has always been respectful of my mum. My mum said she is entitled to think this, which I agree with, but I think calling her nice to my face is a bit much.

I've come home and I can't stop crying. I'm not sure why I'm so triggered but I am. I feel so let down and sorry for 13 year old me and feel like my feelings are being brushed under the carpet again.

I know it all sounds a bit petty but I genuinely feel very hurt. I haven't had therapy for my but but I probably should.

That's ridiculous. Her friendship is with the person's mother. She presumably just occasionally run in to the daughter. And the bullying happened 30 years ago!

OP, I think it'd be good to have another conversation with your mum, and make it clear the damage that still remains. You can say that you appreciate that this woman will be a different person now, but you'd rather not hear any more about her, or have to think about her again.

Presumably you'd dislike that 13 year old. I wouldn't feel compelled to dislike the 43 year old that she'd become.

OP you said that you 'didn't draw a direct line to the eating disorder', in which case your Mum probably hasn't grasped just how unhappy this girl made you. Rather than doing anything drastic like going no contact, try having a conversation with your Mum, tell her that the bullying was so severe, that it was what led to your eating disorder, and that while this girl has presumably grown up might seem nice now, hearing your own DM tell your DH that she likes her, and that she's nice, etc., really upset you, so please don't bring up her name again. If, once you have put your DM fully in the picture, and asked her not to speak of this woman in front of you in future, she does it again, then by all means distance yourself, but don't just do it without fully explaining to her how the mention of this woman being 'nice', after what she put you through, makes you feel.

Then please get yourself some counselling, as what she put you through is clearly still having an effect, and you need some help to come to terms with it.

But her daughter has recently told her mother in detail how bad the bullying was. I think it is also telling that OP didn't tell her mum what was going on at the time. I assume that she didn't think that her mum would be supportive or sympathetic.

The bully may be a different person from the 13 year old, but she obviously hasn't done anything to make amends or apologise to OP.

Irrespective of OP's mum's opinion of the bully based on the fact that this woman is always polite to her, how cruel and insensitive is she to raise the subject unprompted at dinner with OP, OP's DH and children and tell them all that she thinks that OP's bully is really nice? She can have her own private positive opinion of the bully without bringing this up with her daughter.

@thepariscrimefiles Yes this was my take too. Even if the mother thinks the bully is okay now there is simply no reason for her to bring this up to the OP unprompted. Why did she? I can only assume to cause discomfort or upset to the OP. It seems like she set out to do this which is unacceptable.

This - said firmly. This is a very reasonable response to your mum. It acknowledges that she appears to be a pleasant person so your DM’s view of her is not wrong - but it makes it clear to your DM that she was very unpleasant as a teen and you do not want to meet her or hear about her. Your DM needs to take that on board. If she persists in talking about her after this conversation, then I would progress to firmer responses - end of phone call, end of visit etc

Regardless, OP is not obliged to forgive/ forget, and is still allowed to be traumatised by what this woman did to her as a girl.

What seems upsetting is her mum trying to defend this woman's past actions/ rugsweep rather than deal with the difficult emotions of acknowledging she can like a person who did something so awful to someone she loves.

I have several friends who are friends with a past childhood bully (they are not friends from school). She is a demonstrably different person to them, ironically doing many of the things that she bullied me for. I have no desire to have anything to do with her. If I am asked I will say 'she bullied me in school'. I'm not asking them to change their relationship with her,.but I do not wish to hear anything about her, and have her muted/ blocked on any social.media where she may show up.

OP's mum likes this woman. And cannot reconcile that this woman was really awful in the last to hee daughter. So she would rather her daughter minimise how badly the bullying affected her. That is a betrayal. Not the getting on with the woman (if she did not know about the bullying until recently).

YANBU OP

Bullying can trigger very deep emotions - hurt, distress, anger

seems heartless of your mum

Growing up there was a family two doors away from us, three girls and a boy (the youngest) - I was the same age as the youngest sister. I was bullied by her two older sisters, she tried to be friends with me but sat back afraid of her sisters. The son was a nightmare. Caused fires, called out fire engines on hoax calls. The dad had been in prison and the mum yelled and screamed at people in the street. They once asked me and their daughter to watch a film with them and it was soft porn. The son has had three wives and at the very least been in trouble with the police, may have been in prison, I don't know for sure. He regularly filled up at petrol stations and drove off without paying.

The local facebook "village memories" page says what a nice family they were and how wonderful all of them are. They have cousins who are fundamentally decent. It makes me sick to see people fawning how wonderful the mum and dad were (they've died now). They were all horrors apart from the girl my age, who was just passive, really, but a bit manipulative.

Your mum has been insensitive here.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

I was viciously bullied (also by a former friend) between the ages of 12 and 16. She physically assaulted me more than once, psychologically terrorised me, and led a hate campaign that led to other girls bullying/assaulting me, too. I also struggled with food issues, I became borderline agoraphobic, and my hair was thinning due to stress. I'm in my mid 30s now and, like you, the effects of that experience have followed me throughout life.

By freak coincidence, my bully is my sister-in-law's sister-in-law (my brother's wife has a brother, who is married to Bully). For several reasons, my brother didn't put two and two together for a long time, and he only told me because we were both non-negotiable guests at their wedding so he had to warn me. I avoided all pre-wedding/Hen-related events because she was also invited, and I had multiple panic attacks in the lead up to the day itself.

That was three years ago and it still bothers me that my brother hangs out with Bully. In fact, he and SIL just spent Christmas at her house, celebrating and doing "family" things with the only person in this world I truly hate. I try to remind myself that he is a few years younger and so wasn't really aware of the bullying as it happened but he's a grown man now, who knows exactly what she put me through back then. I hate that he's willing to overlook it.

This.

It's because she's your Mum and she's supposed to have your back. That's why it hurts so much. I'd go low contact with Mum.

Oh bullies know fine well who they have to be nice to. And who they can persecute. I would check out that therapy.

You shouod not be allowing someone, who you haven’t seen for 30 years, have this level of impact on your life. You are an adult now, and able to process this as an adult. As long as you are still crying, or avoiding social functions etc, you are allowing the bullying to continue.

I was badly bullied at school, emotionally and physically, but have worked it through with therapy and self-help, and I don’t give a tut where my bullies are, what they are doing, ever anyone says about them, they have no power over me.

I had a somewhat related experience as a youngster; I had a great friend who lived just opposite us, but my mother considered them a bit rough and made effort to have me not go and play with them.

there was someone else who lived down the street whose parents she considered "respectable" enough to be associated with, and I was friends with them for a bit but as they got older they became quite a bit of a bully, especially when we were attending high school together.

they say you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends, but it seems that wasn't true either and I was made to hang around with this arse for longer than I really wanted to, and resent that i wasn't "allowed" to be friends with my real friend because she thought the other kid came from a better upbringing.

Hi all,

Thanks for all the replies and opinions. I agree that it is something that I probably need to work through. I didn't realise I was still so bothered by everything until my mum's words at dinner. I also feel like my parents didn't really support me, or even really recognise my issues, when I was a teenager so it raised some complicated feelings within me.

I'm normally very close to my mum but I haven't told her how hurt I feel. She called me today and I didn't mention it. I think she knew I was upset so she didn't bring it up. An apology would be nice but I don't think that will come and it will be buried.

I wouldn't care, I'd belt the living daylights out of said bully!!

I really don't see how you can say 'I'm normally very close to my mum but I haven't told her how hurt I feel'. If you're really that close to your Mum normally, then surely you should be able to tell her exactly how what she said made you feel. Obviously I realise that as a teenager it may have been more difficult to make it clear to your parents how bad the bullying was, and how upset it was making you, but you're an adult now, talk to your Mum, tell her how bad it was, and how you feel now too. Communication is key to good relationships, you simply can't expect anyone to read your mind or anticipate how you feel, you really do have to tell them.

You’re upset because your mum had basically invalidated your experience entirely.
I experienced this, so what happened to you didn’t matter/was fiction.
(She didn’t want to be affected by it)

The thing is, people who are bullies at 13 aren't always when they are adults. Some can be very different - it's not that uncommon for bullies to have had their own growing up issues they were not handling well, because they were children.

You mum met this woman as an adult, and her experience of her is differernt than yours.

Your mum is your mum, so it might be worth telling her how upset you feel. Not in a "your opinion is wrong" kind of way, but tell her that you are struggling with it, regardless of what this woman is like now. It will allow her to e sensitive to your feelings and also, she might be able to support you.

But I think you should probably address your feelings about the bullying with someone like a therapist.

If I were ever to come across the utter shits who bullied my grandson for years I certainly wouldn't hold back on mentioning the fact whether they were 25, 35, or older.

This.

Don't change your relationship with your mother. If you hadn't told her about the bullying until now, that's really not fair to her. She has a different view on your ex-friend because she, like you and the rest of us, have grown into different people with age and life experience.
I understand you feel resentful because you believe this person is the cause of your eating disorder, but you have not had therapy and don't mention having had professional intervention to help you with it.
Rather than brood over this and spoil things with your mother, why don't you seek the help you should have had as a teenager?

I don't think your been unreasonable at all I think you should approach this bully and tell them how they made you feel as now they would probably have children of there own they would understand bullying more approach your fier get it out in the open and also go and get some help you will feel so much better with someone to let it all out too who really understands and who will sit and listen goodluck hunny😂

Your mother is entitled to this that someone who bullied her daughter is nice? You have to talk about this to her. She only cares about how nice this vile bitch is to her.