SIL's Christmas tantrum

[maoleis]

My SIL joined us for Christmas Day. She wanted a dairy and gluten free dinner, which we sorted. Then we opened presents. She sulked about what she was given, then abruptly left, telling MIL and FIL that they'd bought her rubbish (she was given really nice stuff). I would have expected this from our little one, but SIL is 40.

On the subject of random crap, SIL gave me an absurd present (think something as bad as a roll of sellotape), with which I of course pretended to be delighted.

I find her such a pain. She holds the entire family hostage with the threat of an emotional outburst, and few people in the family seem capable of calling her out on her BS. Because she's extended family, I bite my tongue, but AIBU to want to call her out? She completely ruined the vibe for the rest of the day.

Every meal you eat add a slice of sausage and send pic to sil...

Every family has one of these. Looks like your SIL fits the bill sadly.

Hard to imagine this actually happening in real life!!! YANBU xx

I have a SIL like this. Only met her 5 times in 30 years (she lives in a different part of the UK). My husband doesn't even know if his brother is living with her or not (one minute he's showing my husband divorce papers, next minute another relative says he's going round their house). SIL fell out with my MIL and FIL 30 years ago and she got banned from their house. She also cracked up at her son's wedding saying to the other family on the eve of their wedding 'you lot are a shit family'. When I think about it, I am lucky I am the other side of the UK! Oh, and she made sure that we weren't invited to her son's wedding. But after she cracked up at it I wasn't missing much.

Count it as your Xmas tradition and laugh it off.

No need to exclude her. She seems quite unhappy enough…

I have a SIL like this too. One Christmas we gave her a gift that was very practical (she had just moved house and it was something she had mentioned she needed. Wasn’t cheap so thought we were doing her a favour by getting it). As she opened it I honestly thought she was going to cry with disappointment !!! I have refused to get involved with anything related to her and presents since ……

You are not being unreasonable but it’s not your place to call out her behaviour.

She is a bully and has no doubt been acting this way since she was a toddler and has completely reversed the natural authority of the parents.

I suggest you call a family meeting without her being present and discuss her behaviour, say how it makes you feel and invite comments.

Explain that you are not going to be held hostage to her unreasonable reactions to her presents, (I mean what 40 year old expects presents anyway!!!), and then decide between you how you are going to tackle this childish and inappropriate behaviour.

I wish you good luck and a good result.

YES. Or some drain unblocker.
I had some in my secret Santa with the nice soaps etc. Turns out my nan just put everything she got from the shop in the gift bag in an accidental 'moment'. She is a legend so I gave her a massive hug and said thank you, I really needed some. Your SIL sounds like a complete brat.

This is something my Nan used to do, only it wasn't by accident. We all had some bizarre gifts over the years, but now she's gone it's lovely to have the stories 😊

Isn't 99% or a roast naturally dairy and gluten free any way??

Sounds like she forgot about you and gave whatever she could find. How long have you been married to your dw? I’m guessing long enough that it’s not like she could forget you if you have a dc?

You know that it’s game on now though. Get her a pack of butter for her birthday.

‘Maybe next year I can give her a poem, written on lined paper, and framed, about my experience with said chorizo’.

You’re going to fit right in here.

you cannot be serious, stormed out??

honestly adults sitting around opening present is all too much. open them at home and ask for the gift receipt. my Dps family do and i hate it :(

you can always give a little jokey response. remind her that letters to santa are for children.

idea for next year’s SIL gift: a book called ´things to do while on the loo 🤣

Can you 'add value' and make the sausage into a pen - then give it to her next year?

Like in that vintage clip of Crackerjack (or was it Blue Peter?) that they often show, where the children made instruments out of vegetables.

Who'd ever have thought that disembowelling a carrot and shoving a recorder inside it would sound so terrible, eh?!

What happens if she has dairy? If it's lactose intolerance I would be swapping cups... At least you will know why she has flounced then...
Betting it's an attention seeking tool...

Christmas is a difficult time for single people surrounded by families, it may reinforce in her the fact she is alone, I would try and ignore her behaviour as much as possible and let her family deal with her. You are an in law and I think if you pulled her up on her behaviour it would go down badly
Most families have to deal with at least one badly behaved relative at Christmas

If the gluten free and dairy free are health needs I wouldn't have mentioned them. However all the rest is rude and unacceptable

What form does the tantrum take ?

She sounds like a very ungrateful spoilt brat.! Don't bother giving her a present next Xmas as she is obviously far to superior to be bought for. And if/when she makes a fuss about it, hand her a mirror and say take a long lhard look at yourself princess , we have had enough of looking and listening to your tantrums. Sounds harsh i know but fair world don't revole her!

I can see the OP's point about the effort for Dairy and Gluten free with XMas dinner, you don't realise unless you've had to do it yourself as I did once.

Many pre-prepared roast potatoes have a flour coating to assist in crispiness, you have to be careful a turkey isn't butter basted, careful with starters that may contain bread or milk products e.g. mayo, something to spread pate on which can't be bread. Desserts can be a minefield too; trad Xmas pud has flour, most other desserts available have things like cream in them.

I didn't mind the dairy and gluten free so much, as it was really only the yorkshires that needed to be GF, We steered her away from the cauliflower cheese, and she only eats fish so the butter basting wasn't an issue. We did have to check all the ingredients though.

It's interesting that ADHD and autism have been mentioned. SIL has recently been diagnosed with autism, but I'm skeptical about the whole thing. SIL instigated the process herself, having Googled autism, was quite aggressive in pursuing an assessment (all fine in their own right), but became quite forceful about the 360/informant aspect. They ask your relatives to comment on your development, and SIL spent many hours on the phone to DW and MIL/FIL coaching them as to how they should answer - and they of course complied. I'm from a science background, so I believe assessments should be as free from bias and undue influence as possible. Can't really trust the result if you're telling people how to answer their bit. But, even if she is genuinely autistic, I'm not sure this justifies the reaction. It might explain the sausage.

I agree that it really isn't my place, but I also get frustrated at how unchallenged she goes (and has gone, presumably, for most of her life).

Present receiving and present opening can be really tricky as an autistic person myself.

I wouldn't be too quick to judge the genuineness of her diagnosis It's pretty difficult to get a diagnosis of autism despite the programs on the BBC. They did a massive amount of damage to the Neurodivergent community when it came out.

Perhaps she should be a bit more challenged but understanding autism and ADHD in women would be a really good starting point

That said none of it's an excuse for behaving really badly at the dinner table. One could presume that her rapid exit was related to overwhelm however no one needs to do it rudely.

If she was able to understand her own needs and explain what she needs and how it needs to be i.e. I might need to go and leave after lunch in case it's too much she needs to be able to articulate that to you so that you can help, otherwise you can't be a mind reader

If you really want to help her look up neurodivergentlou on Instagram or Facebook. She puts great content out explaining exactly what it's like to be an adult female with autism.

Keep the chorizo for this purpose and 'regift ' it, (can't believe I used that word,), next Christmas, no need to waste it.

We have been married 29 year
Sdaughter was 21 when we met
She tells people she hates me
I have 2 similar aged daughters of my own and 5 wonderful Gkids
My lot love him and call him Gdad.He is the only Gdad they have and the love flows both ways
she resents this!!

I think the OP would've mentioned a relevant learning disability. I also don't think ADHD, diagnosed or otherwise, would excuse this behaviour from an adult for me. I would be opting not to spend further time with them.