SIL's Christmas tantrum

[maoleis]

My SIL joined us for Christmas Day. She wanted a dairy and gluten free dinner, which we sorted. Then we opened presents. She sulked about what she was given, then abruptly left, telling MIL and FIL that they'd bought her rubbish (she was given really nice stuff). I would have expected this from our little one, but SIL is 40.

On the subject of random crap, SIL gave me an absurd present (think something as bad as a roll of sellotape), with which I of course pretended to be delighted.

I find her such a pain. She holds the entire family hostage with the threat of an emotional outburst, and few people in the family seem capable of calling her out on her BS. Because she's extended family, I bite my tongue, but AIBU to want to call her out? She completely ruined the vibe for the rest of the day.

My DW got a watch. This is something she'd asked for and actually needed.

I should add that there is a glimmer of hope in the form of the new partner. From what I gather, he has a habit of calling SIL out, so I'm following that with interest.

her brother - my DW

Sorry this confused me. By DW do you mean dear wife?

Ask her to host next year and ask for a spa day for yourself next time

Yeah dear wife yeah

It's a bit unfair that your DW congratulated her sister on buying you such a rubbish and insulting gift. Surely she should have been embarrassed rather than complimentary?

I agree. If everyone panders to her childish behaviour she will continue in this vein.

I'm not convinced the new partner will stick around if she continues to behave like a spoiled brat TBH.

My DW is very much at SILs mercy. I've noticed over the years that what SIL wants SIL gets, and this applies across the board with all family members. I have raised this with my DW, but it hasn't ever gone well.

I would have cracked open a bottle to celebrate when she left. Why let her put a dampener on the day after she left? It was up to you all to let the celebrations begin.

I mean, you have a choice.

Call her on it and she will kick off more. Let it slide and she will see herself out.

Your in-laws are probably going for the better part of valour, especially at a time like Christmas when really, who wants a confrontation?

She gave her sis a nice present, so I say suck it up. You are an addition. Are you relying on her for your 'main' present? No.

Do you give to receive? I'm guessing as a mature adult, your answer would be no again.

She sounds miserable and angry about something. Lucky you that you are not similarly afflicted.

I'll be interested to see how that progresses. He's a nice chap, and sadly I've noticed him already starting to apologise for his opinions and thoughts. SIL is mean to him and couches it with 'I'm joking'. I wouldn't stand for it myself, so I wonder what he'll do in the long run. They're currently rushing into buying a house together, having been together a few months, so it's difficult to predict.

I agree. Best to just let her do her thing and reap what she sows. Thankfully everyone else had a good time.

Another vote for your brother (not you) saying given the response to presents given and the gifts received in return we will not be buying adult presents for Christmas in the future except for our parents. We would like to continue to mark individual birthdays but will be guided by everyone else's wishes in this regard.

I know why people are saying you shouldn't invite her to things but also know that in real life that can be tricky. I think ideally you, your DW and her parents need to sit down and decide who will handle any future tantrums....it's between the 3 of them. Either the parents as it's their daughter or your DW as her siblings. Sounds as as if she moaning about her parents gifts but I would acknowledge that it might have been hard for them as you were the hosts. However, if she is to come again you need to understand what their strategy will be. Otherwise they host or agree to come alone

I reacted with "funny" to this post because it's so funny it's verging on the ridiculous. You gave her a SPA WEEKEND and she gave you a notebook and a sausage??????????????

She is the 'Golden Child' from whatever branch of the family she grew up in. No one challenges her on any of her behaviour. You say she's moved closer to where you're living? Then I think you will need to have a conversation with your DW to make sure that you have some simple and straightforward boundaries in place and just implement them when she is around.

I agree. I have a hand in making things worse in this.

We're mid 30s. SIL in 40. We habe a little one (four),

Your problem is the whole family, including your DW and her own partner do not want to do anything about her behaviour, they think putting up with it is the only way to deal with it.

What is the worst that could happen if you started setting your own personal boundaries and sticking to them.

Personally if you had gone to the effort and expense of hosting, and buying her AND her partner a Spa Day... and got a notebook and sausage in return - I would stop buying presents especially for a sulker. Life is just too short.

Whilst I agree with the idea that its the thought that counts - hers was a shit and borderline disrespectful thought. We all agreed to just buy for the children, but I always brought my SIL a nice "hosting" present.

It’s really something you need to discuss with your DP, if it’s her sister.

If she’d rather not challenge her behaviour, then you should seek to understand her reasons and respect this, as it’s her family. But you should make your DP aware of how hard you find it to deal with disrespectful behaviour, which makes you feel uncomfortable, in your own home.

If you find it difficult to spend time with SIL, I suggest leaving it to your DP to visit her in her home, out somewhere or at their parents’ place. On the odd occasions she comes to your home, ask your DP if she minds if you’re out or not expected to interact too much.

Personally, I’d probably just accept what she’s like and not let it bother me. Her problem, not yours.

This.

Do not let her do anything that comes between you and your spouse.

Depending on what her issues are she may actually be trying to provoke a reaction and to then get sympathy as the victim.

I have an incredibly malicious SIL who does everything to interfere and manipulate. If I called her out I can guarantee I would be portrayed as the bad guy.

Reduce contact. Let your spouse deal with their relative. Support them.

Good luck.

Might be worth letting her know that although she is happy to put up with such bullshit it's unreasonable of her to expect you to swallow it down and clap along like a seal.

Might be time to float the idea of you not attending gatherings for which the family loon is in attendance, for fear of youy accidentally telling her what a giant twat she is 😁