SIL's Christmas tantrum

[maoleis]

My SIL joined us for Christmas Day. She wanted a dairy and gluten free dinner, which we sorted. Then we opened presents. She sulked about what she was given, then abruptly left, telling MIL and FIL that they'd bought her rubbish (she was given really nice stuff). I would have expected this from our little one, but SIL is 40.

On the subject of random crap, SIL gave me an absurd present (think something as bad as a roll of sellotape), with which I of course pretended to be delighted.

I find her such a pain. She holds the entire family hostage with the threat of an emotional outburst, and few people in the family seem capable of calling her out on her BS. Because she's extended family, I bite my tongue, but AIBU to want to call her out? She completely ruined the vibe for the rest of the day.

Of course! I hadn't considered that. 🙄 Apologies.

We have one in our family. Has to cause a drama at every family gathering, even funerals. The rest of the family treads on eggshells around her and try and placate her to avoid a blow up.

To get through these events my dh and dc take bets on the first blow up. I won this year with the "ungrateful dc" rant.

I really wish everyone would just call her out on her behaviour but she's one of those people who loves being a victim. It would be useless. She's never wrong. Everyone must pander to her. So we just have a laugh at her expense now to get through it.

People really need to stop pandering to people like this. It's why they continue to behave appallingly.

And she seems to need help.
😕

Why didn't you laugh at the present as you unwrapped it? Like really belly laugh at such a fucking awful present as a roll of sellotape (or similar, whatever she gave you). As soon as I would have opened it, had I been in your shoes, I would have just burst out laughing.

As for the food, I'd make a suitable meal for her that meets her dietary requirements but I wouldn't make it for everyone. The meal at Christmas is for everyone, if someone has requirements separately to that, they can have a smaller option prepared for them, or they can bring their own food and you'll reheat it but I would no longer go out of my way for her.

When she told her MiL and FiL that they bought her rubbish presents why didn't someone say out loud "SiL!!!! That's a terrible thing to say! Have you never heard the saying 'If you've got nothing nice to say, say nothing' or even 'when you get something as a gift you say thank you" - well, now you have, so if you have nothing nice to say to FiL & MiL about their gift you simply say thank you to them. As an adult you surely must have heard those sayings by now?" Call her out, indirectly at first, and then more directly over time about what she says, how she says it and how she behaves.

She holds the entire family hostage with the threat of an emotional outburst

More fool them for enabling it

The obvious answer would be not to invite her ("because we know you don't enjoy it") but failing that isn't there anyone prepared to have a quiet word?

So many questions here. Where was your brother? Why hasn’t she been called out? Why didn’t you tell her the present she gave is shite when you had an alone moment with her? (So as not to make everyone else feel awkward!).

one thing in clear, staying quiet and enabling her behaviour is precisely why she continues to behave this way. In a way you’re asking for it. Get a spine to stop her ruining anyone else’s future Christmas’/ birthdays/ christenings and holidays etc and give her a sharp word. Tell her she won’t be invited in future if she continues this pantomime.

if she’s like this in front of you all, God knows what she’s like in front of your brother behind closed doors.

I doubt she'd change as a result of being called out, people rarely do. Agree with PP I'd avoid her as much as possible and if I needed to give a reason why then I'd be honest and say that you don't want to deal with the tantrums.

The only way you can survive this kind of behaviour is limiting exposure when you are feeling fragile or using humour to dispel the intensity.

Next year buy her a wig or incontinence pads and get a timer - see if you can beat last years record flounce then crack on and enjoy yourselves. Don’t take it seriously. Her issues, are just that, her issues. You have 354 days to go…. 😂

Given that we are now in January, I would say the moment has passed. Otherwise you're just extending the drama.

But fwiw no I don't think you should bother. It won't change her behaviour. If simply being told that she was acting like a prat would fix this, it would be fixed by now.

If you do say something she is more likely to use it as evidence that she's a victim and cause more drama as a result. You can change how you do things going forward though. Don't make any special effort for her.

BIL is like this, after a few sherries he starts banging on about the small boats, I am sorry but I indulge him mercilessly as it adds entertainment value to an otherwise beige day! If you see her as the entertainment it won’t be too hard to enjoy yourself 🍿

Tell her that next year's gluten free option will be 'Going somewhere else'

Imo you obviously regift her what she gave you next Christmas....

Dying to know what the sellotape-equivalent crap present was. A Pritt Stick? Tell her she's not invited in future and ditch her drama.

Regift with a smile, and say you thought last years gift was so useful and thoughtful you have decided to invest in the same for her 🕺

Has db been in touch since? Was he there?
Did she want someone to rush after her flouncing off, begging her to come back?
I've known the type. The invites dry up in the end.

I think people who act like this must have a right mealy-mouthed family around them.

If ANYONE acted like that in our family they’d be mercilessly ripped apart!

You should all get a backbone and tell her what an ungrateful douche she is.

My sister hasn't spoken to me in 14 years because I ignored her tantrum at Christmas.

Her loss. She'd always been indulged in her temper tantrums and I felt that at the age of 41 she was old enough to deal with someone having a different opinion to her!

Why didn’t you come out with “well whilst we’re on the subject of shite presents………”

Next year, buy a novelty stapler, pencil or something similar themed to your sellotape.
'I thought I'd carry on YOUR tradition of buying joke stationary. This reminded me of you, and I'm sure you'll love it!'

I think those in the pictures are actually quite fun!

"She holds the entire family hostage with the threat of an emotional outburst, and few people in the family seem capable of calling her out on her BS."
No she does not. They allow themselves to be 'held hostage' through their unwillingness to tell her the truth, that she is being a pain in the arse.

I mean, really - a 40-year old woman makes a fool of herself tantrumming? They should point and laugh - brutal, but it'll put a stop to her behaviour.

You are part of this enabling, by the way. When you "pretended to be delighted" with her "absurd present". You did so rather than "calling her out on her BS." Why? Don't point the finger at others for doing the same as yourself.

"Because she's extended family, I bite my tongue"
Well stop biting your tongue! As extended family it should be easier for you to point and laugh, frankly.

I think we might have the same SIL lol

Low or no contact is the only answer. Don't invite her places, even Christmas.

Why call her out? It'll just give her more ammunition to be a victim. You're just playing into what she wants.

We’re a very robust lot and at least one of us would have told her she was rude and ungrateful about the gifts she received. If she stropped off we’d just get on with our celebrations. People like your SiL are just attention seekers and I refuse to placate their childishness

We have a manipulator like this. Ours is way worse. It gave us quite a lot to talk about over Christmas and it taught my dc about life’s dodgy characters from them participating in conversations and I have started to find it a bit funny as well as tragic.