SIL's Christmas tantrum

[maoleis]

My SIL joined us for Christmas Day. She wanted a dairy and gluten free dinner, which we sorted. Then we opened presents. She sulked about what she was given, then abruptly left, telling MIL and FIL that they'd bought her rubbish (she was given really nice stuff). I would have expected this from our little one, but SIL is 40.

On the subject of random crap, SIL gave me an absurd present (think something as bad as a roll of sellotape), with which I of course pretended to be delighted.

I find her such a pain. She holds the entire family hostage with the threat of an emotional outburst, and few people in the family seem capable of calling her out on her BS. Because she's extended family, I bite my tongue, but AIBU to want to call her out? She completely ruined the vibe for the rest of the day.

I would have expected this from our little one

Really?! I wouldn’t.

At least you have the perfect reason to never spend Xmas with her again. I’d definitely have pulled her up on her present giving - if she can dish it out she should be able to take it!

If she comes again tell that if she doesn’t want what the rest of you are eating ( and most Christmas lunches are pretty much gluten free with very minor adjustment ) her her festive lunch will be a bowl of soup followed by a bowl of jelly decorated with a sprig of holly as you can’t be arsed to cater for her because she is so rude and ungrateful.

If she wants something else she will need to bring it and cook it herself.

i assume this is your DH’s/ DW’s sister and the FIL/ MIL is the SIL’s parents? If that’s the case it’s either your DH/ DW says something to her or your keep quiet. It’s not your family and this dynamic has probably been going on long before you married into the family, so it’s unlikely to change.
its easier for you to see how dysfunctional it is as you are an outsider. If you do raise it I suspect SIL will play the victim, her parents will stand up for her and who knows what your DW/ DH will do!
you just need to grit your teeth and come up with a bingo game to cope with it or not spend Xmas with her again.

Unless you've no choice because she's directly said something to you personally, then I'd keep out of it. She's your in laws and DHs problem to deal with, they've had a lifetime of her, and I doubt any intervention you could make will help now. A good chance of making things worse tbh, as if she has them so manipulated then its likely you'll end up the villain of the piece and a rift could result. I think you and DH just need some boundaries about if and when you're prepared to entertain her or otherwise be in her company.

Just don't spend Christmas with her next year.

My DSiS and BIL are a nightmare at Christmas. They take the largest glasses of bubbly, help themselves to heaps of roast potatoes so there isn't enough for everyone else. Give everyone literal crap, when others buy them thoughtful pressies. BiL drinks too much and we have to listen to him droning in and on. This year my DD broke something by accident and he totally totally humiliated but banging on and on about how special this item was (it really wasnt) and that she should have been more careful. That was the last straw, I totally lost it with him and we left a day early. We are not spending Christmas with them ever again.

Is she independent? Self Sufficient? Able to look after herself? or does she have issues which need support? That's something I would take into consideration,
If she is well able to look after herself. I would leave too much involvement until the next time you have to host, Then I would call her and discuss how she made everyone feel at the last one.
If there's any sign of remorse or promises to do better, then meet for coffee and see how it goes.
If there's no remorse, anger, or Oh but I'm the victim here.. then tell her for that reason she cannot come... but offer to meet up in neutral ground where you will see her as long as she behaves herself.
She will probably take offense at whatever you do.

Why do you care if she tantrums and storms off? At least you didn’t have to put up with her after that.

Don’t invite her again as she can’t behave.

Great opportunity to say we won’t do adult gifts next year and make it clear she’ll need to make alternative plans as as you won’t be inviting her and as she didn’t enjoy Christmas 2024 at your house. Don’t put up with it.

I wouldn’t raised if with her now. If she mentioned anything about how “unfairly “ she was treated I would say something like : It’s not true actually. We made you a meal as your requested and we tried to get you nice presents. But of course next year let’s not do presents”
Im not sure about not inviting her as she is a family so I guess she’s coming anyway? But if she will do any food related requests you can always look honestly if it’s too much and tell her if it’s so. I mean if she is allergic to something or stick to vegan diet I will accommodate as with any of my guests but of course there might be limits in life sometimes.

I was going to suggest one of those see through toilet seats with barbed wire embedded in them !!

It sounds like a win that she stormed off, you all didn't need to allow that to 'ruin the day' though, she had left the room by that point. We have someone similar in our family, won't eat the same food as everyone else, won't allow us to cook alternatives, won't even eat with us so eats alone at different times. It is controlling and bizarre but I remind myself I tolerate her a few times a years, she has to live with herself daily. She does have some great qualities too so that is enough.

Smile and wave. Be polite through gritted teeth.

if you (quite reasonably) call her out you risk the focus shifting to you and depending on the level of denial in the family getting dragged further into the mess.

Your DH has to set some boundaries with his family, particularly if there are children who are having their Christmas spoilt. I have an absolute horror of a 40s SIL who lives with PIL and kicks off about everything (MH issues diagnosed, but a lot of unpleasant control and interference that is unnecessary). DC remove themselves and I follow. PIL will do anything to shift the blame to others. We hardly see them anymore.

Sympathies, but be careful. Let her show herself up and don’t let her cause you anymore problems.

Ffs, call her out! Everyone needs to tell her she’s embarrassing and needs to grow up. Also tanting about her present when giving sellotape is a bit hypocritical

Ah she sounds a delight! I always cater for everyone's dietary requirements or even just what they enjoy but I'd never bother if it was met with such rudeness. How mean.

I had a video call with my friends adult DD a few days ago and she went to her boyfriends on boxing day and there was murder between SiL/MiL who usually get on fabulously, so I think there is definitely a heightened sense of tension during Christmas. It's so much pressure on women mostly and I think sometimes they snap under the tension of it all.

This is my MIL, though she is usally great at xmas to be fair. Everyone walks on eggshells around her. I have stopped and don't care any longer. I'm at the stage that if it costs my marriage I don't care. Equally, when my husband runs to me about something his mother said, I tell him it's his problem and he helped create a monster. The whole situation becomes insufferable when this kind of narcy behaviour kicks off.

Why are you letting her? You can’t control how she acts but you can control how you participate.

People like this get away with it because no one tells them to knock it off. The question is, are you willing to risk a rift with more people than just SIL by doing so?

I'd be willing to countenance a rift, so at minimum I would refuse to host her next year, on the basis that, despite great consideration being given to her dietary requirements, she was very rude to her parents, spoilt the day and you don't fancy a repeat. Or even better, get your DH to say this to both her and his parents ('Im sorry, neither Maoleis or I are prepared to have Wendy here next Christmas after the way she behaved. You are of course still welcome.')

The only issue with this is that it would be a fantastic present!

Again SIL..shall I get your coat for you? Its becoming a regular event this your tantrums,let me get the door for you. Would have been my exact response there and then and bugger the consequences.

Absolutely pathetic (your SIL that is)

Yes. But the person concerned will claim ‘mental health issues’ . This seems to be used as a trump card to excuse any behaviour, however dreadful.

Just send a message

"Dear SIL we held a sweepstake on how long it would be before you threw a tantrum. I won so 👍"

@itsjustbiology, I think you're on the right track; it might give her (brief) pause for thought if she begins to realise how predictable, and tiresome, she is.
Maybe a call to your husband, "Ten minutes, you win!" implying that you have been playing a secret game of "twat bingo" and he has filled his scorecard.
She's going to be annoyed with you anyway, so to quote the old saying, "Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb".

Rather than calling her out - which will delight her as she will be happy for the drama and opportunity to victimise herself, stop hosting her, go low contact and give her as little attention as possible. If your DH insists she is invited tell him to sort her a dairy free meal and inform him he is responsible for getting her a gift. If she throws another tantrum like that completely ignore her and engage with your kids as if nothing is going on. That's the only way to deal with an adult toddler.

The only question should be who calls out her behaviour, you, FIL, MIL or DH. Or her own DH/DP if she is married or in a long term relationship.