Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I hit 'send'?

351 replies

Journeyintomelody · 05/01/2025 07:22

YABU - dont do it!!!
YANBU - do it

Context: I have a 10 month old DD. Father was abusive . I received support to leave when I was pregnant. He has not acknowledged birth and has not paid any child maintenance. His salary is £55,000 pa. He has approx £900,000 in assets (private pension, savings, and house). He has two children now at university who don't live with him. He has a financial advisor and is has legal connections (best buddies with a very good solicitor)
I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

Message:
"It's been 10 months and child maintenance arrangements have yet to be agreed. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

If you do not pay an acceptable amount of child maintenance voluntarily, which is a legal requirement, I will contact CMS at the end of the month, who will take into account all taxable income and take the money directly from your salary. (Note this option comes with an additional 20% charge each month). "

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now. My question is does this message sound ok? How should I initiate the discussion. We have had no contact for a year. He was told not to contact me by employer whilst he was under investigation for sexual misconduct. I believe this process has now concluded.

Thank you. I'm stressing out here!

OP posts:
Nessastats · 05/01/2025 07:25

No. Bad idea. I don't know why you've decided not to go straight to cms but obviously that's highly relevant information because you've gone into various reasons why it would be a terrible idea to reinstate direct contact with this vile pig of a man so why you'd send that email instead of using an outside agency i have no idea.

Ilovethatbear · 05/01/2025 07:27

Without knowing why you haven’t gone via CMS it’s difficult to comment.

Leonarda89 · 05/01/2025 07:28

Agree with pp don't have any direct contact and do everything by formal route.

Injectionstoslim · 05/01/2025 07:29

There is no point. He will stall, if he does pay which I doubt then he will stall and hide stuff, never pay on time and randomly stop paying. It’s in your child’s best interests to go to CMS when it became clear after a few months that he wasn’t going to pay.

Mymanyellow · 05/01/2025 07:30

Without the info about why you wouldn’t go to cms it’s a tricky to say. He sounds like a dick so all that message will do is piss him off and won’t work. He isn’t going to say oh yeah do you know what that sounds fair. Let him be pissed off at cms instead.

buttonousmaximous · 05/01/2025 07:33

I wouldn't put the part about costing extra of it goes through CMS it sounds like a threat. Just say calculator says £514, suggest so for £500 per month. He will know of he doesn't pay CMS wi take it.

But agree with others u are setting yourself up to be messed around by not doing it properly.

Original poster
Journeyintomelody · 05/01/2025 07:34

Thanks for the replies. My logic of not going via CMS is because if he demands a DNA test he will be put on the birth certificate/could request access etc. if I initiate contact the worst case scenario will be he doesn't pay maintenance. I am very sure that he would only seek contact so he didn't have to pay as much/to get back at me. I am too scared to apply to CMS.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 05/01/2025 07:34

I think giving him warning that you’re going to do this is a bad idea. It just gives him time to fuck around and work with his adviser to hide his money.

Original poster
Journeyintomelody · 05/01/2025 07:36

The other option is that CMS takes into account income only. There is a realistic chance he will lose/leave his job. He is very comfortable with a paid off house, nearing retirement age and sitting on hundreds of thousands in the bank. I may end up getting nothing or pennies from CMS in this case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Journeyintomelody · 05/01/2025 07:37

@buttonousmaximous that was my worry. I don't want to sound threatening and this message will be read and interpreted by many people for sure

OP posts:
Paradisegained · 05/01/2025 07:37

Journeyintomelody · 05/01/2025 07:34

Thanks for the replies. My logic of not going via CMS is because if he demands a DNA test he will be put on the birth certificate/could request access etc. if I initiate contact the worst case scenario will be he doesn't pay maintenance. I am very sure that he would only seek contact so he didn't have to pay as much/to get back at me. I am too scared to apply to CMS.

That’s no logic he can do that any way. Honestly he go go on the birth certificate - not as hard as you think or even very much effort. Costs him £255.

Birth certificate aside.

He can also request access whenever he likes.

Just go to the CMS. It’s not scary it’s a simply phone call.

Nessastats · 05/01/2025 07:37

Journeyintomelody · 05/01/2025 07:34

Thanks for the replies. My logic of not going via CMS is because if he demands a DNA test he will be put on the birth certificate/could request access etc. if I initiate contact the worst case scenario will be he doesn't pay maintenance. I am very sure that he would only seek contact so he didn't have to pay as much/to get back at me. I am too scared to apply to CMS.

He could do that anyway off the back of your email.

Paradisegained · 05/01/2025 07:38

Better to contact him and ask him to support his child please on a monthly basis going forward and to encourage him to have a relationship

Mounjarry · 05/01/2025 07:41

Journeyintomelody · 05/01/2025 07:36

The other option is that CMS takes into account income only. There is a realistic chance he will lose/leave his job. He is very comfortable with a paid off house, nearing retirement age and sitting on hundreds of thousands in the bank. I may end up getting nothing or pennies from CMS in this case.

The reality is that at the moment you aren't receiving anything, and going informally via text you are also unlikely to receive anything, so you don't have much to lose. If he'd rather leave his job then pay maintenance then let him, because although you say he can live off of his assets, he'll absolutely 100% be making his lifestyle worse and spiting himself and you won't be any worse off than you are now. Personally I'd go via CMS, it's wildly unlikely a useless father not interested in his child is going to suddenly be fighting for custody or making big decisions.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 05/01/2025 07:43

Do not send this.

Go through the CMS, it is what they are there for and they will do an attachment to earnings.

But if you don't want the risk then you are going to have to accept that he isn't going to pay.

RedHelenB · 05/01/2025 07:44

If you really don't want him near the baby then I'd suggest no contact at all and yoy bring dc up entirely on your own.
However, I think a child has a right to know both parents and both parents have responsibility for their upbringing Go to the CMS, get the money your child is entitled to, and if the by product of that is your child gets to oniw both parents, it may end up being a positive.

TrackDay · 05/01/2025 07:44

I would go straight to CMS.

Otherwise you risk giving him a head's up to fool with his accounts, like PP have said.

JustMyView13 · 05/01/2025 07:46

Forewarned is forearmed - you’re only showing him your cards by sending this, and he has the means and network to hide assets. Go straight to CMS, permit a DNA test if required. It’s in the best interest of your DC to go by the books here.

Original poster
Journeyintomelody · 05/01/2025 07:47

RedHelenB · 05/01/2025 07:44

If you really don't want him near the baby then I'd suggest no contact at all and yoy bring dc up entirely on your own.
However, I think a child has a right to know both parents and both parents have responsibility for their upbringing Go to the CMS, get the money your child is entitled to, and if the by product of that is your child gets to oniw both parents, it may end up being a positive.

In an ideal world I agree. But this man has sexually abused barely legal girls for a decade. He should be in prison. He is a danger to me and my daughter.

OP posts:
buttonousmaximous · 05/01/2025 07:49

If he is made to pay £500 pm there's a risk he will want contact . He's entitled to request DNA test and to go on the birth certificate if he is a recognised parent. If you need the money you may have to accept his involvement.

cloudydays2 · 05/01/2025 07:50

Journeyintomelody · 05/01/2025 07:47

In an ideal world I agree. But this man has sexually abused barely legal girls for a decade. He should be in prison. He is a danger to me and my daughter.

Show quote history

If this is the case I would cut my losses and go no contact. I wouldn’t be taking a man’s money who has been doing this, yes he should be responsible for the life he created but if he’s a danger then perhaps not.

Biroclicker · 05/01/2025 07:50

Journeyintomelody · 05/01/2025 07:47

In an ideal world I agree. But this man has sexually abused barely legal girls for a decade. He should be in prison. He is a danger to me and my daughter.

Show quote history

So you definitely need to ensure that it is via a legal agency and all documented. This doesn't sound like the kind of man you want to attempt an amicable informal payment with.

winterdarkness · 05/01/2025 07:52

If he's a danger to your daughter, I would not want any chance of him meeting her. I'd cut my losses and not contact him.

Original poster
Journeyintomelody · 05/01/2025 07:55

winterdarkness · 05/01/2025 07:52

If he's a danger to your daughter, I would not want any chance of him meeting her. I'd cut my losses and not contact him.

This is what I would do but I am really struggling on £500 a month for everything except for rent.

OP posts:
TableDoorbellSmile · 05/01/2025 07:58

So sorry OP that you have been through this. In terms to CMS or not, I don’t feel I understand it all well enough to advise.

There is nothing wrong with your message and a reasonable human woukd say ‘Oh god, sorry, yes, I’ll get to that straight away and pay the backlog. Hope you are both doing well.’ But he’s not a normal human being so based on an assumption of narcissistic/fragile ego type traits…

If you do send the message then you might want to soften it a bit to try and avoid his rage. Obviously that shouldn’t be your responsibility, he should control that, but you are out of the relationship and safe and you just want this specific outcome.

So changing the sentence at the beginning to say something like ‘I am just doing some financial admin and realised we have yet to agree child maintenance.’

Going straight in with ‘Its been 10 months’ comes across accusatory and might worsen his rage at being asked for something (I am sighing and rolling my eyes as I know his type so well).

Good luck. I have to say, I think I’d rather be worse off financially and drop all ties, he sounds awful.