Should I hit 'send'?

[Journeyintomelody]

YABU - dont do it!!!
YANBU - do it

Context: I have a 10 month old DD. Father was abusive . I received support to leave when I was pregnant. He has not acknowledged birth and has not paid any child maintenance. His salary is £55,000 pa. He has approx £900,000 in assets (private pension, savings, and house). He has two children now at university who don't live with him. He has a financial advisor and is has legal connections (best buddies with a very good solicitor)
I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

Message:
"It's been 10 months and child maintenance arrangements have yet to be agreed. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

If you do not pay an acceptable amount of child maintenance voluntarily, which is a legal requirement, I will contact CMS at the end of the month, who will take into account all taxable income and take the money directly from your salary. (Note this option comes with an additional 20% charge each month). "

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now. My question is does this message sound ok? How should I initiate the discussion. We have had no contact for a year. He was told not to contact me by employer whilst he was under investigation for sexual misconduct. I believe this process has now concluded.

Thank you. I'm stressing out here!

To clear up the confusion. The refund was part of a settlement. Can you please drop it now? Thanks

What do you mean? I am autistic, so if I've missed a nuance and been literal, I apologise.

I'm concerned that the OP will get into trouble if there are restrictions on her use of her fees refund?

Well yes everyone should pay back their student loan eventually, that's the whole point of a loan - you pay it back. People often save for a house deposit before paying back their student loan. I could pay off my student loan using my settlement money but I have chosen not to. It's quite simple really.

You sound incredible.
Do absolutely anything to keep that man away from your DD, that is the main priority.

Re debts etc, I get why you are juggling things as they are. It's terrifying to have no safety net, I have no idea how anyone could live solely off benefits, especially with children.

Have you lined up your childcare yet? There are often waiting lists. Did you know that UC will help towards some of the cost of childcare, I think you can get free hours from 9 months if you are working and don't forget to apply for the HMRC tax free childcare too.
Childminders are cheaper than nurseries generally but tend to do shorter days/more weeks off/can't cover their own sickness (well mine doesn't).
Sorry if I've repeated other posters, I have only read the ops posts because I could tell the thread was nasty and cynical, you don't owe the vultures anymore information, I'd ask Mumsnet to leave this thread after you are done reading it because it don't want this online forever/ending up in the daily fail or linked/posted elsewhere on FB or other platforms

It's not the existence of the loan. It's the banking of the money that's been refunded to make her ineligible for the thousands of pounds of support she's supposed to be getting. Then compounding that by keeping the loan and making no payments, and depleting the refunded cash to live on.

Hello lovely.
Just wondering if you have reported the abuse at his hands? I ask because if worst comes to worst and he does ask for a DNA test and is out on birth certificate you can exercise your parental responsibility and stop your daughter having contact. From here he would have to go to court for a child arrangements order. At which point you can say that the reason you are declining contact is due to safeguarding issues. If you've reported/ can provide evidence of your abuse and his inappropriate relationships with very young women it would stand in your favour and the court may rule no or supervised contact

Don't pay back your student loan in one go, that is sensible, as you say you will need the ready cash to improve your lot right now.

You sound very brave and a fighter, you've got this, and your beautiful dd should be very proud she has you as her mum.

I agree with this.
Maybe get advice from woman's aid?
I think you can report abuse/violence etc to the police, make your statement but not press charges at this stage.
It might be best to do this as an insurance if he comes after access/shared care at any stage.

Thank you. I have received good advice along with much kindness and support on this thread. It's a shame that a couple of people have tried to derail it at the end. It's a decision that many people struggling with. I bet I'm not the only one internally conflicted re. Child maintenance.

I refuse to adopt a victim mentality and want something better for DD than ending up on UC. Some short term sacrifice will hopefully lead to better things. In the midst of it, however, it's hard not to feel angry towards the system.

I am blessed with a beautiful daughter and need to remember that is the most precious gift.

Oh and you are right about the safety net -It's the only reason I sleep at night.

Thank you. They actually helped me escape. I was in touch with several different organisations at the time. There is a full paper trail. I didn't report to the police though, I'm ashamed to say I just didn't have it in me. There was a lot going on.

You really should report it to the police, even if only so that if someone else ever reports in future your account lends credence to theirs.

That's positive that you have some level of evidence should you need to claim through Child Maintainence and your ex take it further. Did you have an IDVA? I believe they would be able to provide a statement of support.

Get the money either way, you and your daughter absolutely deserve consistency and financial stability

The CMS system is so fucked up.
It makes me so furious that women are penalised for staying and looking after their children and absent fathers get to dick them around. Plus those mothers then require more assistance from the state, and children are more likely to be in poverty which we know is so damaging to their outcomes.

I've got no skin in the game, my circumstances as a mother are entirely different and there are no absent fathers in my circle of friends/families but when I read of the bullshit that mothers have to put up with to try and get a father to financially support his kin it boils my piss!

Maybe one day this will be address by the politicians, and maybe as the birth rate continues to fall mothers and children will be valued by society more (I won't hold my breath) but it's shocking how pathetic the system is if blokes want to wriggle out of any obligation.

Why are you so insistent that i should be getting UC? I don't want to claim benefits. I would still be ineligible for UC even if I paid off my relatively small loan. I'm not going to throw money down the drain to get UC. That would be stupid.

I totally get not going to the police.

Honestly you sound so sorted (probably doesn't feel this way) and you'll be ok.
Life is tough in places and hopefully you're through the hard times and got a wonderful future ahead.

You know what the really fucked up thing is? When it comes to abuse, the abuser has all the cards. I cannot claim what he is legally obliged to pay because he still has power over me. Worst case scenario my daughter is taken off me because I cannot be trusted to support their relationship?! Where is the logic in that? Taking a child away from their mother and into the hands of a sexual predator and rapist. ( That was just a rant, please excuse me)

My last post, but just to add, look after yourself. It's hard being a solo parent. Be kind to yourself, you're doing great. Remember to put your own oxygen mask on first, your DD loves you and you don't need to try and be perfect for her, you just need to be yourself and give her the love she gives you.
Sorry if that sounds patronising, but when kids are little they really just want you, and you to be happy.

Well done OP - this is what I was hoping you would decide. You sound amazing and strong and you will do great for your daughter. I used to find a bit dancing around the kitchen to Beyonce I’m a Survivor and Independent Woman also worked wonders!!!

Top advice. Lately I've found myself dancing to 'the wombles' (DDs favourite) and 'janie's got a gun'. The neighbours must think I'm bonkers but it certainly helps.

Oooo. You could make yourself playlists;

Angry play lists - Kelise - I hate you so much right now and rage against the machine ‘fuck you I won’t do what you tell me’ are two of my faves for that!
Dancing for joy playlists - Wombles is a fab start
Having a good sob playlists
surviving play lists
strong women play lists.

Look up some films with strong female characters. I can recommend Dyad. Two lead female characters. Jodie Foster is brilliant as always. Men are secondary.

Listen to audio books and podcasts by people like Bene Brown.

I can recommend Dr Ramani on You Tube too. She talks about healing from narcissistic abuse. I imagine your twatty ex fits that bill.

A butterfly has to struggle out of its cocoon and if you help it, its wings are never strong enough for it to fly. This year is your battle out of your cocoon. It will make you stronger and you will fly free 🦋

Keep coming here to get support. Ignore the empathy fails of some. Focus on the care and support most of us have for you. 💐

You sound like my kind of person! Will definitely be following up on some of those recommendations! 😜

Hi -

1. you are amazing.
2. add "Shitlist" to your angry playlist, it's by L7.

So impressed by all your posts. Good luck with everything.

I've just added Reasons Why I Drink by Alannis Morrisette to my set. It's brilliantly useful for many an occasion

Go through cms without even contacting him.