Should I hit 'send'?

[Journeyintomelody]

YABU - dont do it!!!
YANBU - do it

Context: I have a 10 month old DD. Father was abusive . I received support to leave when I was pregnant. He has not acknowledged birth and has not paid any child maintenance. His salary is £55,000 pa. He has approx £900,000 in assets (private pension, savings, and house). He has two children now at university who don't live with him. He has a financial advisor and is has legal connections (best buddies with a very good solicitor)
I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

Message:
"It's been 10 months and child maintenance arrangements have yet to be agreed. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

If you do not pay an acceptable amount of child maintenance voluntarily, which is a legal requirement, I will contact CMS at the end of the month, who will take into account all taxable income and take the money directly from your salary. (Note this option comes with an additional 20% charge each month). "

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now. My question is does this message sound ok? How should I initiate the discussion. We have had no contact for a year. He was told not to contact me by employer whilst he was under investigation for sexual misconduct. I believe this process has now concluded.

Thank you. I'm stressing out here!

I would go to cms. Do not contact him. I am entitled to slightly more this and my ex earns slightly less from using the government calculator. Maybe it varies from situation.

Don’t try to negotiate with an abuser. Maintenance and access are two different things. You need to go through CMS if you want to have any hope of seeing any money.

Just go to CMS he can ask for access anytime anyway

That’s a really good point.

hes sexually abused people?!
what?!

Yes. He has. For a whole decade. He's got away with everything with a slap on the wrist and is sitting pretty on piles of money.

in your shoes I’d get along without the child maintenance and maintain no contact/keep him off the birth certificate - I don’t think you can have it both ways, ie demand financial support yet deny access … well, via a solicitor you may be able to, but frankly if you don’t want him in your and your daughter’s life, then you need to find a way to manage without him, surely?

Even more reason to not message him and hope he'll be amicable. If you need the money CMS is the only way, if you're concerned about this meaning he can then have contact then you need to speak to someone.

I'm sorry- but I would rather struggle alone if it kept an abusive parent out of my child life. Why would you stir the hirnets nest? What will you do if he says yes ok but wants access?
Personally I'd keep very quite and ideally move so he couldn't ever find you.
The money isn't worth it.

Why would he willingly pay though if he’s not on the birth certificate and you don’t let him have contact? I understand why you don’t want him to have contact, I wouldn’t either, but then I don’t think you can expect him to pay unless it’s court ordered that he won’t get contact.

I would not want him anywhere near me or my daughter
I would not poke the beast
Therefore I would find a way to manage without money from this awful creature.
Easier said than done, I get that.
Can you go back off mat leave earlier if you are really struggling, or cut your spending in some way?

It's a legal obligation. Contact and maintenance are too different things. It is unfair to say I am demanding money. I am giving him an option to pay less than he is legally required

If he sexually abused you, you should go to the police. Sorry you are in this position.

Boom.
@TwilightSkies is exactly right, OP.
You’re giving him a chance to hide his money and assets.
Don’t do that.

I tried the "approach him first" route with my EXDP, wasting 6 months of my life while he stalled. I then went to CMS, and he firstly tried to pretend he was self-employed, and almost succeeded, then I sent them his PAYE payslip 🤣🤣🤣

Don't send the email, go straight to CMS and don't waste your time chasing him for something he's never going to do.

P.S. CMS will only order a DNA test if he denies paternity, to establish liability. He doesn't automatically go on the birth certificate, he would need to apply to do that.

You don’t owe this man any favours.
The advice is overwhelmingly in favour of going via CMS, and not trying to establish informal arrangements.
Do you feel persuaded not to send it, or are you gonna send anyway?

Definitely reconsidering. I am listening and taking on board all the comments. It's really hard and I am scared. It's a lot to think about.

Sorry you are in this situation op.

He may not want to lose his job at this point if he is funding two uni student as that costs a lot.

I was raped ffs ..

You’re giving him an opportunity to play “oh I’m poor,” is what you’re doing.
Don’t hand him the shovel so he can bury his wealth to hide it from you — by warning him in advance that you’re coming after him.
Those are the actions of an amateur.
At least speak to a solicitor before you go off half cocked.

I can’t believe you made OP spell it out 🤦🏻‍♀️

Go straight to CMS. He doesn’t care about his kid so why will he care about your email.

OP CMS or honestly go it alone.

I ended up going it alone as a lone parent, no CMS etc in the end for similar reasons.

If what you say is true about him, I would not be putting your DD on his radar at all. You would have to then get a CAO in place etc then if he tries to get on the BC.

Really tough situation OP