Should I hit 'send'?

[Journeyintomelody]

YABU - dont do it!!!
YANBU - do it

Context: I have a 10 month old DD. Father was abusive . I received support to leave when I was pregnant. He has not acknowledged birth and has not paid any child maintenance. His salary is £55,000 pa. He has approx £900,000 in assets (private pension, savings, and house). He has two children now at university who don't live with him. He has a financial advisor and is has legal connections (best buddies with a very good solicitor)
I am paying myself £500 a month to get through maternity leave excluding housing but including everything else (eg. Food, clothing, toiletries, cleaning supplies, everything for DD)

Message:
"It's been 10 months and child maintenance arrangements have yet to be agreed. Based on your salary and circumstances CMS estimates are:
£118.93 a week or £514.97 a month.

I suggest that an acceptable arrangement would be for you to set up a standing order for £500 per month into my account titled child maintenance.

If you do not pay an acceptable amount of child maintenance voluntarily, which is a legal requirement, I will contact CMS at the end of the month, who will take into account all taxable income and take the money directly from your salary. (Note this option comes with an additional 20% charge each month). "

To not drip feed: please don't say go straight to CMS. I have decided not to do this for several reasons which I won't go into now. My question is does this message sound ok? How should I initiate the discussion. We have had no contact for a year. He was told not to contact me by employer whilst he was under investigation for sexual misconduct. I believe this process has now concluded.

Thank you. I'm stressing out here!

Given what else we have learned I’m now leaning towards don’t contact him and the OP is too. He sounds very dangerous.

How can the finances justify the stress of this man in your and daughter's life? Do you really want to become dependent on him for months nothing that if he changes his situation, you'll be back in a heartbeat where you are now anyway?

You've got £500 a month to live with. It's tough but not impossible. Are you planning to go back to work soon?

Your focus should be on becoming independent and showing your daughter that you can do it as she grows up with you as her model.

This comes from a single mum of two who raised her kids never receiving any maintenance from their father chosing not to go to cms, albeit for a different reason. I managed. They are now very successful young adults and we are extremely close. I know that they look up to me for the choices I made whilst they were growing up. It is worth millions more than any extra that would have come from their useless father.

Dangerous, yes. But also one of the most disorganised (paperwork wise) I know. Also if he did try to get access there is always social services who for a number of reasons may step in

Yes @TableDoorbellSmile I’d definitely not contact him myself. Was more to say it needs softening if @Journeyintomelody does go ahead.

They won't. Just read the threads on here.

Don't contact him and manage on your own if he's such a danger.

Many men view maintenance as "pay per view" when it comes to children.
This has a high chance of him applying for access through the courts.
Courts do not care about maintenance, they care about men, even vile abusive men, getting access to their children.
Having been through family court, you are best trying to keep this child off his radar for as long as possible.
Any communication will be a route to your child having contact with him.
And the real kicker? You protest too much at that and she'll be placed into his care as "you can't be trusted to facilitate a relationship".

This is indeed true. Especially given the circumstances which you’ve disclosed.
Also you don’t have to go to CMS today. Now you’ve decided not to contact him direct, you can ponder whether to go via CMS & weigh up pro’s and con’s.

There’s no wrong answer here, but in your shoes I would push via CMS for maintenance.

You really should not continue posting. You are deeply insensitive and unhelpful. What options? A termination? Don’t project your morality and ethics to others.

Honestly OP go into hiding. Scrape by. Do anything to keep him away from your DD.

Phone CAB tomorrow OP.
Get some initial advice, they may suggest you go to a solicitor specialising in Family Law. Many offer a free initial consultation, you could go straight to one if you prefer. Google FL solicitors in your area.
You need what has happened documented in case he wants contact in the future.
Do this to protect yourself and DC.
I would strongly advise against suggesting a payment plan with a ‘man’ who has no moral compass.
Keep it legal and clear cut. Keep copies of any legal emails and documents received.

I would steer well clear. From your description he sounds predatory and therefore unpredictable. As someone else has said would the benefit of contacting him outweigh the dangers and risk? You need to talk this through with someone in real life.

That’s truly horrendous! All the more reason to go through the CMS and have absolutely no contact with him. Take legal advice to stop him seeing his child if he counters saying he wants access!

Sadly family courts often do give access to abusers, I wouldn't rely on them to protect your DD.

In your shoes I'd continue to hide from him and I would do my best to survive without his money. No amount of money is worth an abuser having access to your DD.

It might be worth joining the forums on Money Saving Expert and see if there's anything you can do to save / make money to make things easier.

My biggest concern that this would trigger him requesting access. Can this be prevented
in advance some kind of court order
prevention due to his past? if he hasn't been charged with anything I don't see legally how access can be prevented if not found
guilty. I would start here before CMS. Wishing you all the best.

Your dilemma is traumatic. I really feel for you and your daughter.

Please think, is the money, despite your financial struggles, worth the pain and trauma for you? And potentially your daughter? How might it feel being completely free of him? You and your daughter not connected to this monster in any way for the rest of your lives? Would that feel better than less financial stress? Do you really want this person supporting you both?

My advice, run. Be free of his hold and build an amazing life for you and your daughter. Good thing will come. Xx

My gut feeling is don't kick a hornet's nest. You're sensible thinking about all the implications.

Are you claiming everything you are entitled to op?

Move as far away as possible then contact cms?

The message to him reads like a threat.
He will be angry also, that you assume to know so much about his financial affairs.

I would be very tempted, if you can possibly afford it, to do everything possible to protect your daughter from him, if he’s as bad as you say he is.

You are threatening him with something that in reality you are not prepared to go through with (for understandable reasons)

There is very little chance that he just rolls over on 500 quid a month with no fight back. I expect he will challenge paternity and ask for contact.

Personally I would value a person like that not being in my child's life more than the money and I would not stir up the situation by sending this text. In fact I would block him.

Honestly he should pay and I am so sorry you are struggling but my advice is do not do anything that could allow this vile man near you or your daughter.

Sending hugs.

I was going to suggest that if he tries to demand contact, speak to social services. I worked with SS through my job on similar cases and they will support you.

if he does contact you and starts to harass you for contact with DD, you can apply to the courts for a non molestation order! Given his history I think it’s highly unlikely any judge would give him contact in anyway other than supervised contact.

I think the big thing that all of these comments are missing are that he could wake up tomorrow and decide he wants to go on the birth certificate and seek access. The only difference is my daughter would have received no maintenance. It's something that is always going to hang over me

What a cruel and judgemental response. There are many valid reasons why women don't terminate a pregnancy, even after rape.

She is thinking of contacting him as she has no money to look after her daughter. I agree that she shouldn't contact him as he is dangerous, but the fact that OP and her daughter don't have enough money to survive as a result of the awful circumstances of her baby's conception is tragic and unfair.

I think the best thing to do if possible is to keep away from him by moving area and not asking for money via any route. I know that makes life harder now with your DD, but it will be much easier than the stress of him asking for contact (supervised or not). Good luck to you!